*Tire Screech*

So, Chris and I connected! Things were happy! All was well!

The next day we had a field trip. It was only a couple of blocks away, so we decided to walk rather than use our dwindling bus hours. Many of our students walk to school anyway.

We walked down with no issue. On the way back, though, we were within sight of the school when Chris suddenly ran out into the road for no reason. With cars coming.

I was in front of him and didn't see it happen, but my co-teacher let out a yell and he jumped out of the road. Thankfully, the cars were able to stop (and not hit each other either), but it was much too close for comfort.

Mrs. M latched onto his arm for the rest of the walk (only a couple of minutes) and took him straight into the office. He never was able to offer an explanation for why he did it. He did admit that, as an eight-year-old who walks to and from school every day, he knows he shouldn't have done it.

So, note to self: baby steps.

Also, props to Mrs. M- who may have freaked out, but still managed to not curse in front of her students. Even though it was close. :)

Happy Day

Little Chris and I have struggled to form a bond, but earlier this week, things were different.

After a professional development meeting on "dealing with difficult behavior issues"- ironically enough- I went back to the room to find Chris not doing his work.

This is common, but I gently encouraged him a couple of times, and then finally squatted down next to his desk to help him get started. I tried to get him to "race" me and see who could find a certain word first on his desk, or let him say the answer verbally while I moved the pieces into place. I joked with him, I put the pieces in front of his face and made goofy faces. He laughed a little, and eventually even got working on his own. After much intensive, one-on-one encouragement, he finished the cut-and-paste project independently.

After that, he refused to get started on the next paper (which he should have started probably an hour prior). I was a little frustrated, because I felt that I'd worked hard for probably at least thirty minutes just to convince him to do one of the things he should have been doing anyway, and then someone said something that made him upset. I talked to him for a couple of minutes, but he seemed to still be a little on edge when we split into our small reading groups.

He came back after the reading group with a principal escort. Apparently he had to be written up in his small group. I was disappointed; I had felt accomplished that I'd put this off for as long as I had. Chris rarely does his work and frequently gets upset when we confront him about it. This morning of us working together, me convincing him to work without him breaking down- it was a victory! It was a step toward our goal, and it seemed partly canceled out by his discipline referral.

In the afternoon, we started again. I was determined to build on the good parts of the morning. We took a spelling pre-test, and he decided to lay on the floor, refusing to get up and try the words. Both teachers talked to him gently, and encouraged him to get up and do his best. My co-teacher eventually asked if we needed to call his mother, which usually helps motivate him, and he got into his seat. The students know our policy is not to repeat words during the test, and when no one would repeat the first two words for Chris at that moment, he threw his pencil across the room. I picked up another pencil and came up behind him. I offered the pencil and told him to try the third word. He was bewildered (because he thought I had gotten the same pencil he threw so quickly), but took the pencil and got started.

After the test, we were sitting down for some standardized testing. I knew there was no way that Chris- although he seemed calmer- was in a state to do his best on the test. While my co-teacher got the students ready to start, I asked Chris to go in the hallway with me.

He thought he was in trouble at first, but I told him I just wanted to talk. I asked him about the test, and as it turns out, he didn't realize it was the pre-test. He was frustrated that he hadn't studied enough and didn't know how to spell the words right. Once I told him it was just the practice test, he seemed so relieved. He started to smile.

I told him that I was so proud of how hard he'd worked that morning on the contraction cut-and-paste, and asked him if we could make a deal. If he worked really hard to follow directions and do his work the rest of the afternoon, I'd give him two pieces of candy.

He went back in and did great on the test, even when I asked him to make his handwriting a little neater. In my math small group, he started to play around until I reminded him of our deal. He said, "Oh! I forgot!" and instantly sat up to get started. I praised him probably ten times that afternoon when he did things well. At the end of the day, he came up to me excitedly. "Did I do it?"

He did. And I could tell he was proud, especially because he didn't have his medicine that day. I gave him the candy, and he happily bounced into line.

It was one day, but it was progress! An otherwise rough day felt positive- and all because, for the first time, I really felt like I connected with this kid.

Connecting...

A boy in our class who I'll call Chris has a label and a file. In general, he fits in with other students in the class, but occasionally, he gets very upset over something and shuts down.

One day, my prompting for him to get working on morning work and my asking if he needed my help to get started led to him growling at me and crawling under his desk. I let him cool off and my co-teacher (who sometimes reads my mind before I say a thing) went to get the counselor. She returned a few minutes later, saying the counselor was on her way.

But he wasn't done. I encouraged him to fix his morning work as we went through it together, and he crawled out from under his desk but began stabbing his arm with his pencil and scratching his face with his fingernails. I took away a pair of scissors and his pencil, and kept watching the door for the counselor, but I wasn't sure what else to do.

A different day, he was sitting with us at the rocking chair, and in the middle of my reading, with no obvious trigger, Chris walked over and positioned himself underneath his desk. He seems to feel safe there, but I haven't yet figured out exactly what causes this sometimes-behavior.

In general, he is not disruptive; however, he frequently chooses to do no work whatsoever. He doesn't feel like it, and will throw a fit to avoid doing his work. I worry that while he does have an emotional condition, he has realized how to use it to take advantage of his teachers.

Today, I worked with him a lot. It was the first day since he moved here that I feel like I've had a connection with this kid for longer than 5 minutes. It's exciting, and I know I shouldn't expect too much tomorrow, but I'm still hopeful!

P.S.- Hopefully tomorrow I'll get a chance to post more details :)

The Simple Things

I'm exhausted.

I don't know if it's the pre-Spring Break timeframe, or what- but our kids have been just crazy lately. I have generally been of the opinion that repeated behavior problems mean that you (the teacher) need to do something differently. We've been having repeated issues since at least December.

So- Mrs. M and I tried to start a classroom mini-economy, where students could earn coins for doing the right thing. Initially, we wanted to keep it all positive. Later, we added fines to the mix.

This seemed to motivate students for a couple of weeks at the most, although they still really enjoy shopping at the store. Later, a student stole from another's bank. I think at this point we are mostly keeping it going because it's a good continual review of counting money.

We were already doing "team points," where students could earn points for their team. At the end of the week, the team with the most points won some kind of small prize (candy, pop, or a snack we bought). The same teams tend to win repeatedly, and the same few who can't behave tend to spoil it (when together, alone, or separated into groups). Now, teams can't shop in the store on Fridays if they don't have at least ten points.

The school-wide system is to use tickets for good behavior. We haven't done well with these, but we started to give away a ticket for every student left on green at the end of the day. We included a money bonus for days on green.

Our last attempt of change has been to add "free recess" on Friday. This is partly for our own sanity, as we have a very active group. However, we put the letters to "free recess" on the board and they can have letters taken away or they can earn them back.

This week, we have started to time when we have to wait for students to be ready to learn, and we are taking that away from recess. (This has been a particularly rough couple of days. We really don't like taking away recess, usually.)

I think part of our problem is that we have so MANY things going on. For misbehavior, students can be asked to move their circle. (If they move down twice, they have to take home a Think Sheet to be filled out and signed.) They could also lose a team point, lose a letter towards recess, lose recess time, or be fined. For behaving well, students can gain team points, gain money, earn back a letter, earn back some lost recess time, or get a ticket.

It is a lot. Sometimes I think simplicity would be better. But it sticks out in my mind that we have focused on each of these single strategies for a week or two, and none of them have shown many results.

Consistency is key, and I realize that. I realize that the combination of individual, small group, and whole class consequences could lead to a lot of inconsistency. I'm just not sure how to fix it, other than to enforce our consequences. We are also starting two students on individualized behavior plans. I think if these two improve their behavior, many of the other students' will follow. I'm hopeful, but I'm still tired.

Today we had problems with students not falling out of their seats to make others laugh. We are so tired of having to enforce consequences for the simplest things, like sitting. We are so tired of having students repeat the rules to us, or having to ask them to show us the right way, having to practice procedures repeatedly, or needing to state our expectations repeatedly for routine tasks like lining up.

Any suggestions are more than welcome. I'm sick of coming home angry and frustrated (and my fiance probably is, too). If my lead teacher and I can't get this figured out together, I don't know how I'm eventually going to deal with this kind of thing as the sole teacher in my own room.

I just want a day where we can teach. And I'm not sure what I need to change to get us there.

A Day in the Life...

Sometimes I feel like my days never end.

If you go here, you can read about a kindergarten teacher's day. Whew- makes me tired just looking at it. By second grade, I only rarely have to deal with "accidents," although we've had a few, and we haven't gotten to go to a planetarium (I wish!). We do have two teachers in the room, but it's still a long day, especially now that our school added an extra hour to the day!

7:55- Arrive at school. Check mailbox. Turn on computer. Write date on the board (4 ways- in cursive, manuscript, abbreviated, and in just numbers). Put out sticks for students to make their lunch choice. Sharpen pencils (after retrieving some from student desks). Check my e-mail. Record where students were on the behavior chart from the day before, and then move up the circles. The other teacher got morning work done, printed, copied, cut, put on desks, and put into a SmartBoard file as well as making sure that we had everything copied for the morning and plans done for the afternoon.

8:15- Kids come in. I pay them 10 cents each for having their homework and reading book. One girl's homework is wet because her sister set her backpack down outside. I leave it out to dry. I break up the circle crowded around someone with a handful of Bakugon cards and remind students to get to work as Mrs. M takes attendance, fills out the lunch count, and fields most of the random questions we get in the morning.

8:25- The bell rings and everyone should be in their seat, working. The announcements come on. It's Friday. Lifelong guidelines. School song. Ticket draw winners for each room. Pledge of Allegiance. Moment of silence. Be safe, Be responsible, Be respectful- and go!

8:35- Go over morning work. Do Calendar.

8:55- Read Aloud by an author we get to meet next month. Mrs. M reads as I check off homework and grade homework and morning work.

9:10- Review vocabulary words using picture cards. One of the words is "precious" and 3 boys won't stop talking like Gollum from LOTR.

9:15- Vocabulary Test. File folder "offices" up, no talking. Read the test aloud.

9:20- Students lead counting by 10's, 100's, 5's, and 2's, while jumping up and down or doing some kind of exercise.

9:25- Tightly scheduled Restroom Break. Wait for another class to finish by playing the Quiet Game. The next class has to wait on us. While we're gone, Mrs. M grades the vocab quizzes and puts them in the gradebook (with amazing speed).

9:30- Spelling Test. Same rules, except with more checking for cheaters with a list inside their desk. Come up with example sentences that are not interesting enough to prompt student talking (surprisingly difficult).

9:40- Reading Comprehension Test over our weekly story in the basal reader. Read aloud the writing questions and remind for the millionth time that their sentences must have a capital, a period, and make sense. Some still forget to do that, or to put their name, or to do every page of the test. Students, for once, read quietly after finishing. This is rare.

10:10- Prefix review and game on the SmartBoard. Recite meanings of pre, re, and un. Two students see a frog on the screen and start making frog noises. I warn them to stop or I take away a letter of our "extra recess" on the board. Everyone wants to come up and touch the SmartBoard to play the game. One girl cries because she doesn't get a chance to come up (a regular occurrence). The frog noises start again. I take away a letter. Other students glare at this student. He yells at them. I explain to him that they are not happy because he did not make a good choice. He continues to argue and yell. I ask him to move a circle and ask the rest of the class to look at the board. We try a third grade game, and they are excited to prove to me that they can do it even though they are in second grade. (And they rock.)

10:30- Introduce suffixes, which we are working on next week.

10:35- Call students to the rocking chair. Count down for them to get there. Announce they need to do a "self-check" so they are sitting criss-cross-applesauce, on their pockets, with their back to the yellow wall. Read aloud the reading story for next week, stopping to ask questions and stop the talking- which doesn't leave us enough time for centers this morning. Mrs. S grades the spelling and reading tests and puts them in the gradebook.

10:55- Students go back to their seats to preview the story in their reading books. (We talk about what "preview" means because of the prefix -pre.) Some forgot their book and have to share, which somehow breeds drama. A page is torn and I tape it.

11:00- STAR Reading. Kids are split up by ability throughout the grade level, so many students leave the room. 4 kids come to my table. I gather everything a girl will need to "be the teacher" today. This is "her" chapter of the book. She has prepared. She has written a quiz. She will sit in the teacher chair and decide who earns a piece of candy at the end, and she does wonderfully. I sit in a student chair and let her lead us through the lesson I modeled. The kids crack up at me, especially if I misbehave (usually in the same way the "teacher" does). She decides I was good enough to earn a piece of candy, though, and I give her an extra special treat for being such a good teacher today.

11:30- Mrs. S does a read-aloud from our chapter book at the rocking chair. I make a list of things we need to do this afternoon during prep.

11:37- Kids get their coats and line up. The line is straight and quiet. We add a letter on the board.

11:40- We leave for lunch. I stay with them for lunch duty while Mrs. S goes to eat. I help open ketchup packets, I stop students from breaking their styrofoam trays into pieces, I salvage a piece of pizza that had milk spilled on it, I give a hug, I talk to kids, and I help direct kids away from where another teacher cleans up a spill (while yet another teacher takes the kid to the office for dropping his lunch tray intentionally and squirting the milk out after he got mad that he supposedly didn't get the lunch choice he ordered). Later, as the kids line up, I give our students a countdown to line up correctly before I take away a letter. I take away 5 minutes of recess for a boy who hit someone else in the stomach.

11:55- Even before the kids are all lined up, I leave to walk to the other end of the school, pick up my rolling cart, and go teach kindergarten STAR. When we get down there, a substitute hasn't shown up yet for a teacher who left sick. (She shouldn't have been there in the morning, but she came in for half a day so she could write plans and get things ready for the afternoon.) The substitute's group is 12 kids, and they can't be left on their own, so we cancel STAR. One girl from my group really wants to work with me, and she could use the one-on-one help, so her teacher lets me pull her out anyway. We work in the hallway because she thinks it's exciting and we practice her letter names and sounds. I quiz her. She quizzes me. She's getting really good at her letters! I stop to talk to her teacher for a minute. Her teacher tells me the girl's grandmother would like her to stay an extra year in kindergarten, which would be great for her (she's finally making some progress!). She tells me the grandmother is taking care of the girl because the mom is dating someone of a different race who doesn't like her having a white daughter. As the grandmother said, "How can you say your daughter is too white for you?" But Grandma is taking care of her, and reading with her, and practicing her letters and math- thank goodness.

12:20- I go back to the room to see a sub looking around aimlessly. Mrs. M is collaborating with the other grade-level teachers this afternoon, but is at lunch and hasn't yet put out any plans. I put away my cart, grab my lunch, and go to find Mrs. M. (She was on her way back anyway.)

12:30- I'm finally in the teachers' lounge, but there are no seats open. Once I get a chair from the other room, I can sit and eat. Ahhh.

That's just the morning, and honestly the afternoon isn't terrible (double special day!), but I figure you get the idea. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, and when I stop to think about it, it's no wonder- and that's with two teachers.

All of you out there who make it on your own classroom... hats off, and enjoy your weekend! You deserve it :)

Oh, uh, WHAT?!

I have lunch duty and I actually love it. Our lunchtime is rarely crazy, so I generally get to circulate through the cafeteria and talk to kids in a totally different way than we talk throughout the rest of the day. I've gotten to know kids that I wouldn't otherwise know.

Every once in awhile, though, you hear something that you don't expect.

Yesterday, a girl says "His dad is bad," pointing at her neighbor. She goes on to explain, "He killed a guy last night."

And he turns to her and covers his mouth with a finger to shush her. He doesn't look scared that I'll find out, but he does want this to be a "secret," or so it seems.

Now is this some made-up story a kid's telling to brag that his dad is cool? Is this some reference to a video game taken seriously? Is this exactly what it sounds like?

I have no idea at all, but I was definitely surprised and made sure to report it to our school counselor. Because it may have been completely fictional, but I would still rather tell someone than make an assumption. Sometimes these kids have to deal with knowing some pretty heavy things.

the positives

I was hoping to do this at some point, but Katy has asked for people to do the opposite of her last entry. Instead of jealousies, list your blessings and the things you are thankful for- and I fully intend to take her up on it.

If my count is right, I posted 21 jealousies- so my goal is at least 22 blessings. BRING IT ON.

1. My apartment. It's nicer than any of my college apartments!
2. The students in my class. They make me laugh constantly and can be very sweet to me.
   
3. The teacher I work with. She is a great teacher, and treats me as both an equal colleague and a friend.
   
4. My job. Job searching was tough last summer, and I know many people that are struggling to find work still. I am so thankful to have any job, much less a teaching one where I can ease into full authority while in the same town as my fiance.
5. Because of my job- the money I have. I'm just out of college, so it doesn't seem like a lot now, but I have plenty to get by with everything I need and some beyond that.
   
6. My fiance. All around me, I've seen crazy relationships- and we are so awesomely far from that. He's sweet, takes care of me, respects me, listens to me, and makes me laugh.
7. My family. My mom still does whatever she can to support me, even when things haven't exactly worked out the way she planned. I'm so glad I have brothers, and a huge extended family that cares so much and has so much fun!
   
8. The many teaching blogs I read. It's amazing what I learn from them and how much they crack me up.
9. The pets my family has always had. When I go home, the two dogs are so excited to see me, and the cat loves to cuddle at night. Nothing makes you feel more loved than dogs greeting you at the door!
10. Football. Seems silly, but it's something that my fiance, family, and me all enjoy- and I get so much enjoyment out of following it and watching it, especially with people I love.
11. My education. I've been blessed to have so many unique experiences, especially as I grew up- everything from Space Camp to Paleontology Club to working for biology camps.
12. It's almost Spring. I enjoy the snow and pretty winter time, but by the time Spring gets here, I'm ready!
    
13. Spring also means my birthday! I don't care if it means I'm getting older- it's nice. PLUS I'm going to get a spread of birthday goodies at school from one of the other teachers! :)
14. I'm not one of those crazy wedding-obsessed girls. That not only helps with the budget, but it also helps my sanity and makes me not be a Bridezilla to the people around me. Instead of caring too much what people will think or if it lives up to my princess dreams, I get to think about what actually means something to Ryan and me, and have fun making it happen.
15. The Ship of Fools/ Purdue Improv Club. I met my fiance at one of their meetings, but I've also met an awesome roommate, a swing dance partner, and a generally fabulous and funny group of friends. Plus, it gives me something to do on Friday nights. Yay social life!
16. My other friends. I have one girlfriend who loves to be random and spontaneous as much as me. I have a girlfriend who I've known since kindergarten. I have a guy friend who sings musicals with me. Even the friends I don't see often, I love to pieces.
    
17. Dancing. Since the time I was three, it's been something I love.
18. Music. Every time I'm really upset, I'm amazed at the power of music to completely complement my mood.
19. Books. I have loved them for as long as I remember. Even in diapers I'd pick up a book and lie next to one of my parents to copy them. As a child I always had a stack of library books. Now, books for fun are a precious escape.
    
20. My photos. I don't know what I'd do without all the pictures I've taken and all the pictures that were taken of my family when I was little.
21. Ryan's family. Honestly, I would be grateful if they just didn't dislike me, but they're also so welcoming and fun to be around. Being with Ryan was already pretty awesome, but getting to be part of his family is an extra bonus.
22. My church. While my faith can waver, I cannot imagine my life without the wonderful people who went to the church I grew up in. I have so many memories of their friendship and love.
23. My health and the health of those I love. I know that, ultimately, my health keeps me able to do everything else.

See? I can still be positive. :) It's not that hard. There are so many good things happening in my life. Even on my moody days- deep down, I know that my life is full of things to be grateful for, and it's only fair I give them the same blog-attention as my jealousies and worries.

Jealousy Jane

Bird on the Street is one of my favorite blogs. I started reading when the author was a teacher, and followed as she became a parent of a special needs child. It is absolutely captivating to read her insight and optimism, her realism and disappointments, and the successes of both her and little Charlie.

In this post, she said: "Sometimes I think it's good to get stuff off your chest--it lets you breathe. I want this blog to be about living joyfully and sometimes you have to bare your soul a little to get to the joy." After that, she went on to list some things of which she was jealous. And because I've been thinking too much the past few days, I was inspired to do the same. Yes, I've gone a little overboard.

I'm jealous of:
- Women who are confident in their bodies- who wear shorts without feeling self-conscious, who can think swimsuit shopping is ever a joyous experience, who don't have to change outfits over and over again before they decide they look passable. (Note: This is not necessarily women who are "attractive" or "ideal"- though I'm jealous of them, too- but it's women of any size or shape or looks that FEEL attractive and love their bodies no matter what.)
- My brothers, who can eat whatever they want, and three times as much of it as I would eat, and still stay on the low end of healthy weight. (My little brother has been told by the doctor that he should TRY to gain weight, and it's been a challenge. A CHALLENGE.)
- Women who may not be confident in their bodies, but do something about it- who have the motivation, the persistence, and the courage to plan and work and sacrifice to be healthy and meet a goal.
- Women who don't let their insecurities invade their relationships and friendships to the point where jealousies, frustrations, and paranoia arise.
- People for whom faith is constant and feels certain.
- Teachers with a calm, obedient classroom- who don't have to yell at students on a regular basis, who can get more teaching done than disciplining, who can still be in a good mood at the end of a day, who have the patience to deal with the everyday.
- Teachers with their own classroom. (While I love the teacher I work with and in most ways wouldn't want my own room, sometimes I wish I had ultimate authority and the chance to do it all my way.)
- Teachers who make it look easy. I know it's not- ever- but some teachers are just so talented. See also, teachers who can go into a principal evaluation without being terrified.
- Teachers with tenure, or at least more than half a year of seniority. Or anyone with job security, really.
- People with dogs and cats. Can't tell you how much I miss having one when I come home.
- Women with a true girl best friend- who run to one person with any big news, who can talk about boys without a second thought, who they don't have to share with anyone else, who they can regularly spend lots of time with, and who have someone that knows them almost better than they know themselves. It's even better when you know that you've earned that kind of friendship, and lately I'm jealous of people who feel that way, too.
- People who have plenty of money- who don't have to worry about debt or payments, who don't have to be cheap sometimes, who can buy the expensive things they've wanted for so long without reservations even when the money is in the bank, who don't have to worry about compromising or putting off a wedding because of finances. (Yes, I know most of this is just being new to the adult world.)
- People who will get to have their father walk them down the aisle and dance with them at their wedding.
- People who have close relationships with their siblings. With one of my brothers, I almost dread seeing him in person because we usually end up fighting and I usually end up feeling terrible.
- People who feel a deep sense of deserved appreciation for whom they are and what they have done.
- People who are in a close-knit group or club- who spend so much time with the same people that they feel like family and even when they annoy you, you love them. (I miss marching band, drama club, winterguard... all of it.)
- People who are and feel smart. I used to feel smart and I miss that feeling.
- Neat people. Punctual people. Organized people.
- People who have the commitment to spend time and money doing enjoyable things- seeing more plays and musicals and concerts, regularly reading books for fun, dancing, traveling.
- People with the energy and time management to come home from a full day of work and actually get something done.
- People who don't go into random times of being moody and thinking too much. Sometimes for days at a time, I'm in a funk and can't seem to snap out of it.

Most of the time, I'm extremely positive and optimistic. I know that overall, I have a great life and a lot to be grateful for. All things considered, I don't really have reason to complain and I know that.

I'm not fishing for compliments. I know many of these things are well within my control to change. Some are materialistic, some are selfish, some are wistful, some are unrealistic, and some are just plain stupid. I hate that most of these are on my list.

So... here's the optimism. Hopefully someday I'll be able to use them for good? In the meantime, feel free to share the jealousies you need to get off your chest.

Decade-nce?

Yes, I'm almost a month late. Get over it.

New Years'! Woo! New decade!

One of the blogs I read inspired me to make a post about how my life was different a decade ago. And, wow, what a difference.

Then: I was 12 and in eighth grade in middle school.
Now: I'm 22 and a graduate of college.

Then: I lived at home with Mom and my brothers. My dad had only died one and a half years before.
Now: I live in a new city where I've primarily lived for five years. One brother is eight hours away, and it's been over 11 years since my dad died. I now live with just my fiance.

Some other differences then:

I spent just about all of my time on AIM. Now I use Google Talk sometimes, but not all that often. I just don't chat much. I didn't even have Facebook, and now I'm sadly addicted. I didn't have a cell phone.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and now I am a teacher. I had never had a job other than babysitting, and now I have one of those real adult jobs, complete with benefits.

I was dating my very first boyfriend (for the first time). I hadn't even had my first kiss. Now, I've been with the same guy for over four years and we're engaged.

I was in dance and cheerleading. (Yes, cheerleading- my one and only year. And I really enjoyed it.) I was the only French horn in band (and got a solo in Centuria). I was in A Christmas Carol in drama club. Now? I... don't do any of that, unfortunately. But I do swing dance!

I went to Huntsville, AL that year to visit the U.S. Space and Rocket Center. Now I'm considering a trip with my fiance to see one of the last flights of the Space Shuttle.

The Blogger blog I had was solely to talk with my good friend, who had moved to Austria. I had a best friend that I spent tons of time with. I have good friends now, of course, but no one that I spend all of my time with. No house that I spend as much time in as my own.

I watched some TV, but not near as much as I do now with DVR and TV on DVD.

Gas was cheap, but I didn't know it or care because I didn't drive.

I felt smart. I still had some time to read for fun. When something upset me, I wrote. I did really well in school and my teachers loved me. Now some of those teachers are my Facebook friends, and I wish I had more time to read for fun.

Some things don't change, but a lot do. 10 years is a lot- almost half of my life- and it was kind of fun to look back at my 12-year-old self. :) I've grown up a lot, mostly for the better.

5 Things I Haven't Done...

That everyone else seems to have done!

1. Seen more than 5 episodes of The Simpsons.
2. Eaten White Castle.
3. Been to a frat party.
4. Had a cup of coffee.
5. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower or Catcher in the Rye.

Inspired by one of the blogs I read... as seen here.

Wild Card Weekend Wrap-Up

Well, that was a bust. The Bengals lost badly. The Patriots lost pretty badly. The Packers managed a comeback after being behind by a LOT- and then gave it up in overtime.

At least the Packers' season ended with an Aaron Rodgers sack. It seemed fitting.

I did at least want the Patriots to lose (my, was it sweet to see Tom Brady actually take some hits without getting "Brady rule" calls all day); I just didn't think it would happen. I was happy that the Bengals loss, if it had to happen, came at the hands of Purdue's Dustin Keller. (Although I like Mark Sanchez, he is getting way too much credit for doing nothing other than not screwing up the work of the defense and run game.)

Anyway. So far the Cowboys' win over the Eagles is the only one of my playoff predictions to see the light. Plus, my favorite team and my fiance's favorite team are now both out of the playoffs, so it's been a bit of a gloomy weekend around here.

*sigh* There's always next year, eh?

NFL Playoff Predictions

This is a weird Wild-Card weekend, for sure. 3 of the games are not only rematches, but rematches only a week later. It was hard for me to tell, even with teams I have watched a lot, what these games really meant. I’ll also admit that my picks are undoubtedly biased by the amount of games I watch and information I read about the Packers (and, honestly, Vikings as well- the NFC North blog I read is fantastic). I also know more about the AFC North, especially the Bengals, thanks to Ryan being a big fan and also the NFC North playing them this season, and I live smack in the middle of Colts country.

Also, please disregard my pre-season predictions (earlier in this blog). Some were not bad… others were terrible. And I apparently forgot to pick a second wild-card team in each conference.

That said, I’m going to do my best.

Jets @ Bengals

I cheer for the Bengals, so this is a scary match-up. I want to see them win, but last week’s loss was crushing. The Bengals defense needs to shut down the Jets’ running game, which would force Mark Sanchez to make risky throws and turn the ball over. The Bengals need the offense to click, and luckily should have multiple important players returning from injury, particularly Peko (a major run-stopper). Although the Bengals have more than enough reasons to play with emotion (Vicki Zimmer and Chris Henry, not to mention a 19-year playoff drought), they need to calm down. They saw what happened last week when they didn’t play Cedric Benson, so I hope the Bengals will commit to the run game. I do think they can pull it off, but it will be close. Bengals, 21-17

Eagles @ Cowboys

Last week, I was shocked at the disparity between these two teams. The Eagles have been solid, but the Cowboys have incredible momentum at this point in the season. Tony Romo, in particular, is reigning in his gunslinger ways and has a career-low number of season interceptions. Hopefully Anthony Spencer (go Purdue) will help put the pressure on the Eagles offense, and DeMarcus Ware has made a huge impact when healthy this season. The Eagles will put up more of a fight, but it won’t be enough. Cowboys, 28-24.

Ravens @ Patriots

Patriots will struggle incredibly without Wes Welker. The Patriots will move Randy Moss and Kevin Faulk around, but the Ravens will have a much easier time covering the electric Patriots offense. Tom Brady won’t be any worse for the wear, but it will be harder to make the big plays without Wes Welker in the slot and drawing coverage off of the other receivers. The Ravens will surprise a lot of people by holding the Patriots at bay, but the Ravens’ run defense matches up well and forces Tom Brady to make a couple of picks. Patriots make it through by the skin of their teeth. Patriots, 18-17.

Packers @ Cardinals

The turnover differential, to me, is the biggest factor here. Charles Woodson has led

the Packers to a +24 turnover differential, while the Cardinals are at -9. The Packers offense depends entirely on the offensive line. They are much improved, but they still don’t guarantee much room for Grant to run or much time for Rodgers to throw. Luckily, Rodgers was one of the top passers in the league even while getting sacked over 35 times in the first half of the season, and the receiving corps is strong but varied. The Cardinals have a good but injured secondary, which just won’t be enough to cover Jennings, Driver, and Finley adequately- and Jones and Nelson to boot. The Packers’ punter is terrible, so the Cardinals will try to take advantage of good field position. Charles Woodson has said he will be covering Larry Fitzgerald a lot- what a great matchup- and Clay Matthews should continue to make a huge difference throughout the playoffs after leading the Packers with 10 sacks. I am completely biased, and I realize that last week Leinart played instead of Warner for much of the game, but we still looked great against them- not only last week, but in the third week of the preseason while both teams had their starters in. Packers, 31-21.

In the next round…

Cowboys @ Vikings

Both NFC matchups are the same story- one of the top teams throughout the beginning and middle of the season who has sort of dropped off in the last few games against a team that had something of a slump before turning it on at the end of the season. The Vikings are a force to be reckoned with, though- Adrian Peterson’s powerful run game is complemented well by not only Brett Favre’s passing to Offensive Rookie of the Year Percy Harvin, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice, and Visante Shiancoe… but also Chester Taylor’s run-pass combo threat. I- unfortunately- don’t think the Cowboys can shut down all of that. Barring major injuries, I don’t see the Cowboys being able to pull it off. Vikings, 34-16.

Packers @ Saints

Again- this is the “hot” team versus the “great” team, and in this case I’m actually going to take the upset. (Yes, probably that bias again.) I know the Saints sat some of their starters in the last few games- but even before they did, it wasn’t looking great. I think Woodson and Sharper are going to have an interception contest, which will be hard considering the caliber of the quarterbacks. But seriously though! Both have played for multiple teams, including the Packers. Both are “getting old” (33, 34)- and yet were selected to the Pro Bowl this year after having fantastic seasons. Sharper has had an injured knee, but I think he’ll still play, and I look forward to the matchup. This won’t be a case of crappy defenses- rather, it’ll be a case of defenses playing well to force turnovers and score themselves. Anyway- both of these teams have great passing games, and while I think the Saints generally have better balance, I see the Packers defense scoring enough to take the edge. Multiple lead changes make it a hard game to call. Packers, 44- 37.

Bengals @ Colts

The Colts do have an MVP Quarterback, and for once I’ll say that he earns the praise he’s getting. I believe he is the primary reason that a new head coach had little or no impact. Essentially, Peyton is calling the plays and running the team anyway. I also think that, for once, the Colts didn’t have it easy. They had a lot of games against a variety of teams come down to very close calls that they could have easily lost. (I, for one, turned off the TV with no hope left during Monday Night Football when they ended up coming back in the last few minutes.) The barrage of injuries the Colts faced left a lot more of the work up to Peyton, and The Robot did come through. (He has always done well, but I have always said it’s hard to measure his singular greatness while he is surrounded by and protected by so much other talent.) This one’s tricky for me. I think the Colts are a better team, but it does concern me that their momentum has been stopped with resting for the playoffs. Still, I think after a rocky start, the Colts will wake up and slide through. Their offense- Dallas Clark, I’m looking at you- is able to make it happen when the Colts need it most. They won’t be playing Vinatieri, but their other kicker will make it anyway. Colts, 20- 17.

Patriots @ Chargers

Mum’s been the word about the Chargers, despite an 11-game winning streak coming into the playoffs. They remind me a little of the Patriots during the “dynasty” (ewww) in that they don’t have all that many super-standout players, but the talent is spread around the team. L.T. is still a good rusher, but he has been stopped (even by, say, the Redskins). Not a good sign for the Chargers- but they have Darren Sproles, as well, and Philip Rivers, and Nate Kaeding… and this, I think, is where the loss of Wes Welker kills the Patriots. They aren’t a bad team by any means, and no one wants to face the Patriots in the playoffs- but they’re not who they have been the past few years. They weren’t vying for ‘perfection,’ and they lost to the Jets, Broncos, Dolphins… some decent, but not great teams. I think the Chargers have them. Chargers, 24- 17.

Conference Championships

Packers @ Vikings

At this, all I have to say is… again? Ugh. A part of me loves the chance to beat the Vikings again, but a loss? The entire state of Wisconsin may as well take a sick day on Monday. Anyway- in all seriousness, I think this would be a different game. The media coverage would be the same (and unbearable), but these two teams have not played each other since Week 8, and the Packers’ offensive line has stepped up considerably since then. The sacks taken by Rodgers were cut more than in half in the second half of the season. While I think the game will be close and I really really want the Packers to win, I don’t think our defense has the skills yet to shut down Adrian Peterson and the passing game. Vikings, 33-24.

Chargers @ Colts

So we’re at this again. The Colts have an unfortunate history of being knocked out of the playoffs by the Chargers in the last few years. (If it’s not the Patriots, it’s the Chargers.) Both are great, well-rounded teams, but I think the Colts are primed to

make it through this time. Their almost-loss the week before will scare them just enough to bring back the precision we’re used to seeing from this team. The Colts’ defense will step up to make some critical stops. Colts, 17-13.

The Big Game

Yeah, I lost too, just by typing that.

Vikings vs. Colts

I would be cheering for the Colts so hard in this one, but when it comes down to this matchup… ugh. It’s really tough to say. I think so much will depend upon injury, especially with the Colts. Addai is injured frequently, and I like Donald Brown but he can’t be a No. 1 yet. The Colts are very lucky that Manning rarely goes down, because the end of the season made clear that Purdue’s Curtis Painter is not ready for the big leagues, much less the Super Bowl. So much depends on players like Freeney, Mathis, Sanders, and Saturday- all of whom have been injured this season, I believe. The Vikings are probably more likely to be injured at quarterback (old), but he’s also less likely to play it safe and sit out. For now, I don’t want to, but I think I’d have to call it in favor of the Vikings. They are such a well-rounded team and while the Colts are, too, the Colts have had many more super-close games. At some point, they’ll probably lose one of them. Vikings, 34-30.

cascabeles, cascabeles, tra la la la la!

Boy band or not, I am reminded every year of the vocal talent of 98 Degrees when I listen to their Christmas album. Yes, a few of the songs are original pop and not especially wonderful (did we really need two versions of This Gift?), but they do pleasant versions of many classics. They're rarely overworked, there's not excessive use of a drumset beat, and the two a capella songs on the album (I'll Be Home for Christmas and Ave Maria) display beautiful harmony. The voices of this group blend so well, and I love that they gave the bass voice a solo for once!

Cheesy as it may be at times, I love getting out this CD every year.

Other top Christmas music:
- Mannheim Steamroller- my dad's music of choice on Christmas morning.
- The Nutcracker Suite- the regular one, and the version by the Brian Setzer Orchestra (after years of ballet and band, I can't resist it)
- Celine Dion- These Are Special Times
- Josh Groban- Noel (as well as O Holy Night, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, and Believe, all of which can fit as Christmas music but just aren't on that CD)
- Sleigh Ride- another one that I like more for having been in band
- Silent Night/ Night of Silence. (Night of Silence is a song meant to be sung with Silent Night, and it gives the original some gorgeous overlapping harmony.)

I'm also anxious to hear Andrea Bocelli's Christmas CD, because- well, it's Andrea Bocelli. He's a bit too classical for my taste usually, but I imagine his voice will be perfect with Christmas music.

Anyway- I'm starting to get way in a Christmasy mood. Any Christmas/ holiday music recommendations for me to look up?

Review Games

If you're a teacher and need some kind of review game, please consider this:

http://www.superteachertools.com/jeopardy/

I created a math review for the past six weeks, and the kids loved it. Of course, you can really only use this if you have a projector of some kind. This worked wonderfully on a SmartBoard, and didn't take me much time at all to set up.

I've made PowerPoint Jeopardy games before, and even with a template, they take some time. Plus, the Flash game keeps score for you. The kids got a huge kick of seeing the score change (of course, it probably would have been good for the students to add up their scores for practice- but I only thought of that now).

The kids love playing a game, of course, but this particular one was a great way to spend a rambunctious Friday afternoon reviewing math concepts. The SmartBoard made the questions huge and easy for everyone to read, and all I had to do was tap once on the screen to move to the next page.

On Friday, I tried out the game while I was leading the class. Normally there's a lead teacher, but she was gone and so the sub was mostly observing as I taught. It went so well, and really confirmed that almost every student really knows these concepts. I'm so glad I found this site, and excited to move on to some new standards!

*One hint: If you're working with second graders like I am, I wouldn't try to follow the traditional Jeopardy format of answer and then question. They didn't know the show, so I think it would have been extremely confusing.

almost there

This summer was full of dread. I was worried I wouldn't get a job. And then, beneath that, there was an even bigger worry. I would get a job, but I would be terrible.

Student teaching wasn't super smooth. I discovered quickly that while I'm a natural at the teaching aspect, the organizational side of teaching- which is every bit as important- is seriously lacking. I quickly found myself to have piles of papers, I nearly forgot to put a chunk of grades in the official gradebook, and I was swimming in too much work.

One of my biggest realizations was that every lesson doesn't have to be the brilliant, show-stopping, groundbreaking lesson. I would have a lesson mostly planned out, go to finish the final touches a few days before, and think of a new and much better idea. I'd completely revamp the lesson, which of course required immense preparation, and stay up late the night before finishing it.

I couldn't keep this up. At the end of student teaching, I was doing a lot more basic, simple lessons. The extravagant lessons just weren't viable to do often, and I had to reign in my ideas to be more reasonable. Had I continued the way I was teaching, I would have easily been burnt out, but it was really hard for me to stop. It felt like giving up on my best ideas to not teach them.

I had to simplify things and figure out a better system for me. I improved by the end of student teaching, but I knew I still had a lot to learn. The thought of my own classroom was exciting, but after student teaching wasn't perfect, it was also incredibly terrifying.

What if I'm not good enough? What if my students don't do well? What if I can't control the classroom? What will the parents think? Will I keep my job?

Finally, after increasing worry all summer, I heard something back from one of the tens of schools to which I applied. I had landed an interview. Time to show the principal that I felt confident and competent- joy.

But I did okay. I explained to the principal that I'd learned a lot during student teaching about the art of teaching, but more importantly about myself as a teacher. I had learned many things I wanted to do or not do in my own classroom to make it work for me. I also came away from student teaching knowing that I have a lot more still to learn, and so I emphasized to the principal that while my youth and inexperience might be a weakness, my passion for improving was a definite strength.

As it turns out, I'm now in an interventionist position. It's amazingly well-fitted for me at this point. I am essentially an assistant teacher in a specific classroom, which feels very similar to student teaching. I have opportunities to lead the entire class, and many opportunities to work with struggling individuals and small groups. I'm still teaching, but I don't have all of the responsibilities of my own classroom just yet. I have a tremendous opportunity to keep learning from a more experienced teacher, and at the end of the year I'll be teaching my own class for six weeks.

I can't think of a better job to help me transition to a full-time classroom leader. Obviously, there are times I wish for my own room. I feel like an almost-teacher at times, but for now I'm hoping to take everything I can from the experience. So many qualified people I know simply haven't found a teaching job this year (including my own mom), and I'm thankful to have a job. Especially one where I can teach!

Football Predictions

I love professional football. The NFL eats up a very good deal of my weekend time each season, and I get sad for the end of the season.

My family's full of Packers fans, so I know I have strong bias- but I also think I do a pretty great job of staying abreast of the NFL in general. I'd hoped to read up a bit more and watch more preseason games before doing this, but having a real job has gotten in the way. That said, right before the season really begins, here are my season predictions:

AFC East (Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets):
Patriots will dominate, sadly. I don't like them (and they lost one of the few players I liked in Tedy Bruschi through retirement), but their division is just plain weak. I do think Mark Sanchez will significantly help the Jets- they looked much better last year while Brett Favre was healthy, and I'm excited to see Dustin Keller (Boiler Up!) become an increasingly dominant tight end. Little sad they let Bubba Franks go, but that's just some old Packers loyalties :). T.O. just doesn't have the talent around him on the Bills to make a huge impact on the team, but I'm sure his numbers will still look nice for fantasy. Dolphins will continue to climb, which I don't think many people will suspect, but won't improve near enough for a wild-card spot, much less beating Tom Brady & Co. They'll be consistent, but not annoyingly perfect. Dang it.
Winner: Patriots
Runner-Up: Dolphins

AFC South (Texans, Colts, Jaguars, Titans):
I like the Colts- I do. But this is a tough division in the past few years, they're aging and without Dungy or Harrison, and I think they've lacked the kind of precision they had before in the preseason. Maurice Jones-Drew, barring injury, ought to finally get the numbers he deserves now that Fred Taylor is out (although I was very sad to see him go- the two had a fantastic on-and-off-field relationship and he was a classy guy). I think the Texans have been building for some greatness the past few years, but I think the Titans will hold on. Yes, Haynesworth is a big loss- but Nate Washington and some DT depth are good gains, and one of the Titans' strengths last year was a solid, well-rounded team. With less superstars, you have less vulnerability to personnel changes.
Winner: Titans
Runner-Up: Colts

AFC West (Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers):
Broncos are seriously going to miss their old offense. When shootout style play is a commonality and you suddenly replace Jay Cutler with Kyle Orton, your team is going to have to change. (I'm a Purdue fan- but Orton is just not on the same level as Cutler right now.) Never mind Brandon Marshall's serious discontent, which will surely lead to less chemistry, if not a trade of one of the league's top receivers. I've hardly heard of any big Raiders changes, and considering their position last year, that's not good. Let's see as much passion on the field as in the stands, Oakland. Chargers are overrated as usual- I just don't see Philip Rivers as a top QB, and L.T. is aging and always injured, or so it feels. Lucky for them, they are solid enough to beat out a weak division. I think the Chiefs will be a surprising challenge, though- Matt Cassel has shown some strength and I think a fresh coach and GM might help shake up the team in a good way.
Winner: Chargers
Runner-Up: Chiefs

AFC North (Ravens, Bengals, Browns, Steelers):
I'll admit- Ryan completely surprised me with a statistic about the Bengals' defense last year. Almost top ten?! But that makes their record a little scarier still to me- if Carson Palmer goes out, an otherwise solid offense with a good defense still looked pretty rough. Assuming Palmer stays healthy, though, I think the Bengals have had a fantastic draft and offseason that might pay off. Chad Ocho Cinco's team attitude is telling, I think. I still think the team management leaves a lot to be desired, but the talent level should push them far. The Steelers, though, have 20 of 22 starters returning, plus a few strong newcomers (or IR-returners). As much as I don't like them, I just don't see them losing this division, even with the Bengals finally giving themselves a shot and the Ravens becoming more than just a defense. (I think Joe Flacco will prove to be a little flake-o.)
Winner: Steelers
Runner-Up: Bengals

NFC East (Cowboys, Giants, Eagles, Redskins): Still an incredibly strong division this year. The Cowboys earn a lot of flak, but I think they have the talent if they don't fall short. I think the loss of T.O. will end up hurting only a little, because the Cowboys really needed to ditch the drama. Tony Romo will really have to step up if he wants to make headlines for anything but his girlfriends, and I think he just may do it. Plus, Wade Phillips is seriously on the line, so hopefully desperation from him and embarrassment from a disappointing end of last season will lead to stepping up. Redskins are another team that have improved significantly in the past year and Albert Haynesworth ought to be a big addition, but I can't place them as a contender against these other teams. The Giants are barely removed from a Super Bowl, and other than the loss of Plaxico Burress, seem to be hiding under the radar as usual. That seems to bode well for them, especially if they can still get into playing the underdog- but I wonder who in their offense can bring the potential to score that Burress had. Eagles still look good, though, but so much depends on not getting injured. Brian Westbrook is great- or completely out. That's not going to cut it, especially when your passing game isn't consistent. I think this division is crazy close, and a critical injury or acquisition on any team could throw my predictions haywire immediately. And they may well be wrong.
Winner: Cowboys
Runner-Up: Eagles

NFC South (Falcons, Panthers, Saints, Buccaneers): The Falcons were seriously good last year. A rookie quarterback took hold of the offense with stability and strength, and a balanced offense made things all the better. Add Tony Gonzalez into the mix, and everyone else in the division should be a little scared. Look at what Gonzalez has done in his career, and the caliber of offenses that he's been doing it on- and then imagine what he'll do here. Unfortunately, my confidence ends with the Falcons' offense. Defense is a big worry. Similarly, I love Drew Brees' play. I think the team is SO CLOSE to being phenomenal, but it's bad when you have Drew Brees' almost-record-breaking numbers and your defense still can't keep you in the game. The Buccaneers are making some serious rebuilding strides, but they don't have a QB that will really be able to take advantage of Antonio Bryant just yet. Their defense isn't the worst in the league, but it will have to compete with some amazing offense and I don't think it has much of a chance. The Panthers still have Julius Peppers and Jake Delhomme, plus they just picked up Tyrell Sutton (a Packers recruit who I really liked at RB). I think a 12-4 season isn't likely to go that far downhill.
Winner: Panthers
Super-Close Runner-Up: Falcons

NFC West (Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, Seahawks):
I want the Seahawks to do well, and I think they'll be a lot more respectable than last year. Unfortunately, Matt Hasselbeck isn't out of the woods injury-wise, and I'm not sure the 'Hawks have enough backup to do decently once he's gone. I miss Mike Holmgren, too. Cardinals will be strong. They probably won't make it as far as last year, but I don't expect them to be a one-hit-wonder. Kurt Warner's old, but he can still play, and Larry Fitzgerald and the rest of the offense are a major boon to the team as a whole. The Rams just aren't doing enough, and the 49ers are trying, but Michael Crabtree is being frustrating. I think this division will honestly be pretty boring.
Winner: Cardinals
Runner-Up: 49ers

NFC North (Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings):
I think the NFC North is going to suddenly be one of the best in the league, which is somewhat surprising considering last year's close but relatively mediocre records. I think the strength of teams should lead to two NFC North teams making the playoffs, but I'm unsure if it will really happen. I think the strength of the other teams will make all records a little lower and might make it difficult to fit into a wildcard spot. Playing the AFC North will help in some ways (Browns, anyone?), but also means playing the Steelers (ouch). Anyway, the Bears have brought in Jay Cutler and may have a truly great QB for the first time in... a long, long time, if not ever. He's going to throw a lot to the TE, and Devin Hester will finally seem like the speedy receiver that everyone has predicted for so long. The Bears have tried to improve their receiving situation and repair their defense, and they'll be good- but I still think their receiving core pales in comparison to others in the division. The Vikings, on the other hand, were a solid team that wasn't missing much except for a quarterback. The addition of Brett Favre perturbs me on a personal level, sure- but it also made the Vikings a much stronger team. I think he'll likely suffer from injury again, but in the meantime he'll do just enough to make the Vikings a top team. Finally, I am completely biased, but I think the Packers are going to eek this one out. Looking at their preseason, they have really impressed me. I was the first to admit that I thought the Packers would struggle early on due to their switch to a 3-4 defense. Even at the beginning of the preseason, I told myself that we were only looking this good against crappy teams- but then we played the Cardinals. And we weren't perfect, but we held our own against the Super Bowl runner-ups. The sheer number of turnovers the Packers have managed to cause and recover in the preaseason have given me a lot more confidence. Oh, and of course there's also the fact that Aaron Rodgers and the offense have looked sharper than anyone else the entire preseason. I don't think it's a stretch by any means to consider the Packers for the win, even without my cheesehead bias. It'll be close, though.
Winner: Packers
Runner-Up: Vikings

To recap...

AFC Division Winners:
Patriots
Titans
Chargers
Steelers

AFC Wild Card: Colts

NFC Division Winners:
Cowboys
Panthers
Cardinals
Packers

NFC Wild Card: Vikings (with Falcons sooo close)

AFC Champ: Steelers
NFC Champ: Packers
Super Bowl Champ: Packers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez

Okay, so by the end of this I think my predictions were getting seriously affected by my personal fandoms, but whatever. I don't think any of them are unreasonable, even so. Gametime in less than an hour. Let's do this!

hope?

A couple of years ago, I wrote about some of my religious background and current struggles:
http://jennifer-annecdotes.blogspot.com/2007/09/religion-part-one.html
http://jennifer-annecdotes.blogspot.com/2007/09/religion-part-two.html

Recently, I found an article here that caught my interest because it reminded me of my own religious views at the moment. I think it's valuable for any person to read that has struggled with doubting faith at some point.

Below is an excerpt that I found interesting:

I took a class called “The Problem of Religious Diversity” that quickly had me believing that just about any belief system could be true and that no one could prove anything. It never occurred to me until then that people who believed something other than Christianity had the same reason for believing their faith as I did for believing mine.

I don't think these things were that hard for me to realize, but I do think they're much of the reasoning I have for looking at things the way that I do, in general. (Even when I've been my most religious, I've never felt that people who believed another religion were necessarily wrong.)

[H]onestly, I didn’t know anything anymore and nothing was real.

This- this is how I've felt. It's not that I disbelieve, or staunchly believe. I just don't know, and it's a strange feeling when I have always believed so strongly.

God won’t fit inside our heads, and if He does, we’re missing something. And I knew all I’d been waiting for was to know that to admit doubt was not to lose faith.

And this- well, I found it to be a profound expression of things that I believe. I don't have to have God all figured out, and I'm really not sure that it's possible anyway. I firmly believe that doubt is a part of any real faith. Thomas is the noted example, but there is, and should be, some Thomas inside of us.

Some people want to find 'proof' of God. There is a 'museum' dedicated to creationism. There are so many people who tell me they believe in God because it's written in the Bible.

Who says the Bible is any more truthful than any other book, and particularly any other Holy book the world over? Who is to say that the Bible is more reliable? The Bible is merely a book, and a book of words that have been translated throughout languages and cultures and thousands of years. There are many different translations of the Bible that say different things or at the least have different connotations. Who is to say that one single Bible, one single denomination, one single faith is correct?

The thing is, you can't prove the existence of God, and I think that's the whole point. If you could prove God, believing wouldn't be a choice. If God was like, say, gravity- that everyone can experience for themselves and feel for sure- it would take no leap of faith to believe. But instead, we have free will, and the only evidence we have is an old book and some feelings. You can't quantify the evidence, or know 100% for sure, and therefore it takes some effort and some hope to really, truly believe.

It is my belief that if you don't have some reasonable doubt once in awhile, you're only going through the motions and doing what someone told you to do. This may be a very, very occasional doubt for you- but I think if you don't challenge what you believe, you're not being honest with yourself. And you're not allowing yourself to change your faith, which means you can't be growing in it.

Then again... while I'm not afraid to doubt, doubt of the magnitude I have felt for awhile now is extremely uncomfortable. It feels awkward and foreign, even now to some extent. More and more lately, I have found myself fighting against the religious conventions some people believe so strongly but with which I disagree. It frustrates me incredibly that so many people are so vehemently close-minded, and I think this frustration has only served to drive me further from the church. I don't want to be a part of anything like that.

Since graduating this year, I've joined the droves of Americans that are searching for a job to no avail. In the past week, just as I began to consider accepting a situation I really didn't want for many reasons, I received a call about an interview for a much preferable position. Both interviews for this job could not have been scheduled more perfectly around my time-consuming summer work. Things are looking incredibly positive at this point that I will have a job next week.

I have been praying more lately than I had anytime in the past few years, both for myself and friends. It could well be a coincidence, of course, but things are really seeming to turn around. Whatever the reason, I am thankful and hopeful it will continue. Despite my doubt, I can't shake all of my faith. I'm still struggling with indecision, almost two years after writing my initial entries here, but I'm doing okay. If nothing else, I'm more accustomed to this new position in the middle of the religious spectrum.

At Mass, I wrote in my journal, “God, see that I’m trying.”

I could not echo his sentiment more.

pomp & circumstance

Graduation is a funny thing.

It's an arbitrary day, where we're handed a piece of paper that somehow represents 4+ years of work at some level. We wear a gown and funny hats, and everyone cheers that we made it. We managed to get through the requirements that someone said we should.

And then it's celebrated wildly.

For me, graduation has always felt funny. I'm sure that part of the issue in high school was that, as a band member, I had attended three other graduations, and this felt just like another one, really. It was long, it was boring, and I walked across a stage and shook someone's hand and suddenly I was supposed to feel different.

Well, I didn't. And I didn't again for my college graduation. I think graduating is an accomplishment, but I guess it's hard for me in both cases to feel like I was challenged. In high school and in college, a few classes were difficult, but not most. College can be difficult, but most of my education classes just plain weren't. It was expected I would do fine in both high school and college, and that I would graduate. And I did.

High school graduation was a bit more exciting. I was never a kid who wanted desperately to escape my hometown, but college was still an enticing prospect in my mind. College graduation was somewhat different in that I wasn't a big enough part of any group on campus to get a send-off of any kind (unlike high school, where there were a few special graduate events), and I didn't have any plans lined up for the future. High school graduation was a step towards something new and different, and college is, too- but it's a lot scarier.

I'm in no hurry to grow up and be an adult. I've graduated, I'm engaged, but there's a part of me that would love to spend another year or two just like I am now, without having to start a real job or pay for everything myself or deal with all the real world things that come with adulthood.

I think that could all be exciting, don't get me wrong. If I had a job, and I could start setting up a classroom and planning great curriculum and decorating a new apartment- it'd be scary, but there would be an element of fun.

Without the job, I can't start setting up or planning, and I don't want to commit to a new place to live. Without having a job, I have to experience all of the aspects of the real world except for the fun ones.

And no one seems to understand why I can't get too into celebrating my graduation. Completing my major doesn't feel like a particularly surprising or commendable accomplishment for me personally, and now that I've graduated, I have little to look forward to besides a so-far-fruitless job search in the current economic times. Congratulations to me?

June 4th, 1998

Note: This is an extremely long post, written more for me than for any reader.

I was eleven years old, and it was the last day of school. The last day of elementary school, even! I woke up with one of those Christmas-morning sort of moods, where you don't care that it's early because it's going to be a good day!

And the morning was going swimmingly. For once, the first outfit I tried on looked great, and I was ready with enough time to spare to have breakfast before the bus came. Even in fifth grade, I was rarely ready to leave early- but that day, eleven years ago today, I was. It was a good day- no, a great day- and I was so excited.

The last day of school was a blast, too. Mr. Quinn must've known that there was no way he'd get us to do much of anything that day. I remember spending the morning helping him move things to his new room downstairs and then playing games. At one point, the principal came to our room.

My brothers and I had never liked her. Mrs. Kinder could be kind of scary, stern woman and whenever we saw a "KinderCare" we made jokes. We were probably too mean, but even though I didn't like her much, I wasn't at all scared when my teacher asked me to leave with her.

I wish I could remember what his face looked like when he told me, but I was too busy brushing off the taunts of my friends. I wasn't worried- I was a "good kid" and knew I hadn't done anything to get myself in trouble- but they still "ooohed" at the fact that I was sent out with the principal.

When I got to the hallway, Mrs. Kinder told me that we'd go pick my brother up from class, but otherwise remained fairly stoic. It wasn't out of the ordinary for her, so I followed without a worry. When Bill wasn't in his classroom but instead outside, she led me out the door. We walked around the school, passing my classroom's window. I waved to my friends, grinning that I was outside in the beautiful weather while they were stuck in class. Eventually, we'd circled the school and discovered that Bill's class must have gone inside. As we came in, we realized someone else must have sent a message to his class, and Bill was walking in the hallway ahead of us towards the office.

A single student was in the hallway, getting something out of his locker, and Mrs. Kinder told him, "Go stop Bill," so he started to walk. And only then, when our strict principal told him to run in the hallway, did I realize that something might be wrong.

The boy stopped Bill, and he walked in with us. Mrs. Kinder led us to her office and opened the door. Inside sat my mother, with tears streaming down her face, and my pastor. My first thought was that my aunt or uncle had died. They were always in and out of the hospital with sudden and serious health problems. To this day I don't know why it didn't cross my mind that my dad wasn't in the room.

We were told to sit down, and we did, but we were both on edge. My mom took a deep breath, and she told us that our dad had had a heart attack that morning. I can't remember her exact words, but I know she choked on the words a little when she told us he had died at the hospital.

I burst into tears immediately, and my brother sat, rigid, without a word.

After a few minutes, I returned to my classroom. Thankfully, the class was gone and I could clear out my desk without seeing anyone. Before I left, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a quick note to one of my friends telling her what had happened. It had barely sunk in, and I remember struggling to put it into words.

We went home, and my little brother was waiting with my grandma. He was just finishing first grade and was excited to be home early. My family stood awkwardly by our front door, almost like visitors, as my mom told Steve. Watching him take the news was harder, I think, than being told myself. His tiny body seemed to crumple with the news, and he bawled. I wrapped him in a hug as tightly as I could. I think we all did.

My memories of the next few days are spotty. Mom and I underwent the painful task of going through photo albums to make a couple of poster boards, and she went to make arrangements. I remember going in to see my dad in the casket before the viewing. It didn’t upset me as much as I thought it would- he didn’t look like himself, really, although we did have him dressed in a shirt he wore often and the suspenders he wore almost constantly. Lots of people sent flowers, including my class at school (I still have the flowers in my room) and my dance studio.

During the viewing, I can remember my extended family trying to distract my brothers and me in a back room. At one point, they took us across the street for ice cream just so we could get away for a break. I also remember, in a very fifth-grade fashion, trying to avoid being out with my mom when boy classmates came to the viewing. Instead, hiding in the back just prompted my uncles’ teasing that a boy was there to see me. But lots of people came- our close friends, lots of people from church, and even business associates of my dad’s. The biggest surprise, for sure, was one of my dad’s teachers from when he was in school- he’d remembered him being a good kid and wanted to come.

At the viewing, I learned that the worst thing to ask someone after they’ve lost a loved one is “How are you?” … because, really, what are you supposed to say? “I’m great, thanks!” sounds terrible, but you don’t want to make the person feel bad by replying “Absolutely awful; thanks for bringing it up.” There’s no answer that feels both honest and kind, but somehow that’s all anyone can think of to say to you.

The funeral was the next day, and before it, my family got one more chance to spend a little time alone with my dad’s body before they closed the casket. I remember this, and each taking a moment to say a goodbye of sorts, but the actual funeral is completely blocked from my memory. I know “On Eagle’s Wings” was played, mainly because both of my parents love that hymn and my mom still cries just about every single time she hears it. I don’t remember any sort of eulogy, or what happened as a part of the service. I just remember the casket being carried out at the end and our family getting into a crappy limousine to go to the cemetery.

Times like those- in between the serious times- it seems like we tried to talk about anything but my dad. It was awkward and it was hard, but joking around was easier than stewing in grief any more than we already were. So we did- we joked, and tried to mean it when we laughed.

We did laugh a little, genuinely, when my uncle pulled on a handle to get out of the limo and it broke. None of us were sure what to do with the handle, so he snuck it back into place and we all got out of the limo.

It didn’t take long for everything to hit home again, and after waiting on a string of cars to arrive, we watched my dad’s casket descend with red roses on top.

The rest of the summer is a blur. My family cancelled our vacation, and ended up scheduling one for December instead so we could avoid being home through Christmas and my dad’s birthday (the 26th). We never spent all that much time talking about things as a family. In general, I think it was easier for all of us to pretend, for awhile, that nothing was different, and after we were used to dealing with it on our own, it was even harder to bring up. In the fall, I started middle school and while my class knew what had happened, not everyone in the school did, and that helped. I didn’t want people to know, to pity me, to treat me differently. I didn’t want anyone to see me as fragile, because I wasn’t. I could take care of myself, and even if things were rough, no one else had to see it. I much preferred to control it- to keep it all inside until later, when I could deal with it alone and on my own terms.

It’s still sometimes hard to think about how sudden the whole thing was. My dad had been healthy. He wasn’t as skinny as he could have been, but he’d been to a physical two weeks before he died and the doctor saw nothing wrong. The autopsy said a heart arrhythmia- an uneven heartbeat- caused cardiac arrest. There was no clot, no clear reason for the sudden arrhythmia. I know enough about biology to realize that it probably wasn’t, but it seemed, by all accounts, an entirely random occurrence.

The memories I have of my dad are spotty and fading, which makes me feel guilty (although I know I shouldn’t). But I still get upset from time to time, especially when other things trigger it. The tiny bit of wedding planning I’ve done has been a joy- I would love to do something to honor my dad, like play Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again (a song from Phantom of the Opera, which he loved, sung by a girl about missing her dead father) or something- but I’m afraid that I’ll start crying and never stop.

I don’t think I deal with things in the healthiest way I could, but I feel like I do what tends to work for me and, at this point, what I’m used to. By now, I’ve lived as many years without my dad in my life as I have with. It’s hard to… miss him, exactly, when it’s not like I’m used to having him here. Life is just really different at this point. My memories of my dad come from when I was an elementary school student, and now I’m old enough to be an elementary teacher.

My dad’s death is without a doubt the most influential event in my life, but it’s hard to say exactly what influence it has had. I mean, I know I’d be really different if it hadn’t happened, but hell if I know how. And while things get easier as time goes on, they are never easy. (If they start to feel that way, I just feel guilty about not being more upset.) June 4th is usually rough, especially if- like today- I don’t have anything keeping me too
busy to think much.

Simply put, at this point I’m not sure I’m missing my dad as much as I’m missing the opportunity to have him in my life. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but I feel like… I don’t even know what I’m missing, and I’m jealous of people that get the chance to have their dads around. Eleven years is long enough that it’s already hard for me to remember what that’s like.

Snow at Louveciennes

My foot sinks into the snow, destroying the smooth perfection. The road is clear, as no one has ventured out this early in the morning. I feel alone in the world, as though everyone else is asleep. The snow has slowed to a soft flurry, but the sun is still fighting unsuccessfully to tear through a thick gray blanket of cloud. For now, we are trapped beneath the blanket in this quiet world of snow. The evergreen trees in the distance, wearing a coat of needles, mock the cold leafless ones, but the bare branches have tiny icicle jewelry sparkling in their defense.

Beneath my umbrella, wrapped in a warm scarf, I am cold- but there is no biting wind, and I relish the feeling of each tiny snowflake on my cheeks. Everything stands still but me; this pure perfection is mine, and mine alone. Even the birds are huddling in their homes for warmth.

I decide to follow suit before my silent solitude is ruined. I go inside, kick off my snowy boots, and put another log on the fire before crawling back into bed. My boyfriend, still half asleep, wraps his warm arms around me and I drift off, dreaming of my own exquisite winter wonderland.

Written for my art class as an art criticism exercise of entering the "World of the Work." Inspired by Alfred Sisley's "Snow at Louveciennes," shown above. I'm not incredibly happy with it, but it'll do for a quick in-class exercise in writing.