exhausted.

It has been a crazy week.

Last Thursday, I checked my phone and had 3 messages at lunch. I never have more than one message, and even that is rare. Mom was desperately trying to get ahold of a family member who had called her, and I had a bad feeling even then.

When my cousin called back, she said her father had two brain aneurysms discovered a few days before,  and they had led to a massive stroke on both sides of the brain. When we got the call, he was on life support but declared braindead.

They kept him on life support until they could find enough patients for him to donate multiple organs, but the funeral happened in a matter of days.

I know they can't be pleasant for anyone, but funerals are tough for me. My dad died when I was young, and every funeral I go to reminds me incredibly of that rough time. I'm still nowhere near over it (even though I recently reached the point where I'd been alive longer without my dad than with him). I have trained myself, basically, to push back the grief when I need to. Or even when I just want to. Most days nothing really gets to me- and even if it does, I'm usually able to move on through my day and deal with it when I get home.

A funeral is a giant reminder of everything. I can't push it back, or get away, or concentrate on something else. It's there, staring me in the face, with every awkward hug and each line of "On Eagle's Wings." Every second I can't manage to distract myself, I become 11 years old again and can't stop crying. The grief that normally lies dormant and dull suddenly becomes sharp and insistent, especially when there's a picture set out of my dad and uncle together when they were young and grinning.

For me in this case, the person's death was sudden but not entirely shocking, as he'd suffered many health problems in the past. But my heart ached for his family. His kids are only in their 20's, and yet both of their parents have died in the past 5 years. I know how much it hurts to lose your dad, but I can't imagine how the pain would magnify if my mom weren't here either. It doesn't feel fair that they have to deal with that.

I did my sub plans on Monday, drove home to beat the snow, spent most of the day at the church, drove back, and taught again on Wednesday. My week felt strange and 'off', and I kept fighting off really thinking more about what happened so I could get through the week. Honestly, during the days I didn't think I could deal with it and still teach. And after work, I've kept myself distracted as much as possible because I haven't really wanted to deal with it.

Throughout all of this, my grandfather has been in the hospital, too, dealing with a plethora of ailments that seem to be worsening and complicating each other more each day.

I got a message yesterday that my mom and her siblings were driving down to Florida immediately. The doctor gave word that Grandpa's chances weren't good of making it out of the hospital. They're fighting a monster case of pneumonia for a chance to fix his heart, and he's just been moved to the ICU where they are trying 'last chance' options.

I feel like I don't know what to do, because there's really not any concrete thing I can do but pray and it doesn't feel like enough. I feel guilty because I keep putting everything out of my mind, even though I know that tends to be how I deal with things until I can't do it anymore. I can't stop worrying about my cousins and my grandma and my mom and everyone who is closer to the situation than me. I'm sick of having to keep my phone in my pocket at work because I might need to take an emergency call or check it and find a message that something else has gotten worse.

I don't know what I want to come of writing about all this, but I needed to. Either one of these situations would be hard, but I'm really struggling with facing both so close together. If things get worse for my grandpa, I'm afraid I'll just... unravel. Hopefully the antibiotics will start working soon.


P.S.- I know I have some friends who will want to pray and think of me, but please don't. If you want to do something like that, think of my grandfather and my cousins, grandma, and mom. They are dealing with a lot more than I am right now.

the positives

I was hoping to do this at some point, but Katy has asked for people to do the opposite of her last entry. Instead of jealousies, list your blessings and the things you are thankful for- and I fully intend to take her up on it.

If my count is right, I posted 21 jealousies- so my goal is at least 22 blessings. BRING IT ON.

1. My apartment. It's nicer than any of my college apartments!
2. The students in my class. They make me laugh constantly and can be very sweet to me.
   
3. The teacher I work with. She is a great teacher, and treats me as both an equal colleague and a friend.
   
4. My job. Job searching was tough last summer, and I know many people that are struggling to find work still. I am so thankful to have any job, much less a teaching one where I can ease into full authority while in the same town as my fiance.
5. Because of my job- the money I have. I'm just out of college, so it doesn't seem like a lot now, but I have plenty to get by with everything I need and some beyond that.
   
6. My fiance. All around me, I've seen crazy relationships- and we are so awesomely far from that. He's sweet, takes care of me, respects me, listens to me, and makes me laugh.
7. My family. My mom still does whatever she can to support me, even when things haven't exactly worked out the way she planned. I'm so glad I have brothers, and a huge extended family that cares so much and has so much fun!
   
8. The many teaching blogs I read. It's amazing what I learn from them and how much they crack me up.
9. The pets my family has always had. When I go home, the two dogs are so excited to see me, and the cat loves to cuddle at night. Nothing makes you feel more loved than dogs greeting you at the door!
10. Football. Seems silly, but it's something that my fiance, family, and me all enjoy- and I get so much enjoyment out of following it and watching it, especially with people I love.
11. My education. I've been blessed to have so many unique experiences, especially as I grew up- everything from Space Camp to Paleontology Club to working for biology camps.
12. It's almost Spring. I enjoy the snow and pretty winter time, but by the time Spring gets here, I'm ready!
    
13. Spring also means my birthday! I don't care if it means I'm getting older- it's nice. PLUS I'm going to get a spread of birthday goodies at school from one of the other teachers! :)
14. I'm not one of those crazy wedding-obsessed girls. That not only helps with the budget, but it also helps my sanity and makes me not be a Bridezilla to the people around me. Instead of caring too much what people will think or if it lives up to my princess dreams, I get to think about what actually means something to Ryan and me, and have fun making it happen.
15. The Ship of Fools/ Purdue Improv Club. I met my fiance at one of their meetings, but I've also met an awesome roommate, a swing dance partner, and a generally fabulous and funny group of friends. Plus, it gives me something to do on Friday nights. Yay social life!
16. My other friends. I have one girlfriend who loves to be random and spontaneous as much as me. I have a girlfriend who I've known since kindergarten. I have a guy friend who sings musicals with me. Even the friends I don't see often, I love to pieces.
    
17. Dancing. Since the time I was three, it's been something I love.
18. Music. Every time I'm really upset, I'm amazed at the power of music to completely complement my mood.
19. Books. I have loved them for as long as I remember. Even in diapers I'd pick up a book and lie next to one of my parents to copy them. As a child I always had a stack of library books. Now, books for fun are a precious escape.
    
20. My photos. I don't know what I'd do without all the pictures I've taken and all the pictures that were taken of my family when I was little.
21. Ryan's family. Honestly, I would be grateful if they just didn't dislike me, but they're also so welcoming and fun to be around. Being with Ryan was already pretty awesome, but getting to be part of his family is an extra bonus.
22. My church. While my faith can waver, I cannot imagine my life without the wonderful people who went to the church I grew up in. I have so many memories of their friendship and love.
23. My health and the health of those I love. I know that, ultimately, my health keeps me able to do everything else.

See? I can still be positive. :) It's not that hard. There are so many good things happening in my life. Even on my moody days- deep down, I know that my life is full of things to be grateful for, and it's only fair I give them the same blog-attention as my jealousies and worries.