real right now

So, I'm terrible about actually blogging, but this caught my eye.

One of the bloggers I follow tried this out. The original woman who started this says, "blog your heart. HONESTLY. it can be silly, funny, serious, short or long...whatever you want it to be. as long as it is authentic."

So... here goes. I'm going to try to go with the things really on my mind lately, as well as a couple random thoughts that came to mind that will hopefully keep it a bit lighter.

1. I love teaching, but right now I am craving a time where I feel like I'm doing well. I know I am a good teacher, but there are 10 more things I wish I had done at all times. I keep telling myself that next year will be better, because I won't be reinventing everything and I'll have things better figured out, but sometimes I worry that it's always going to feel like this, like I'm never doing enough and I'm constantly swamped.
2. I'm not a big fan of babies. I'm sure I'll be a big fan of MY (someday) babies, but for right now, they aren't fun until they are toddlers. Hate to say it, but some babies look like aliens and none of them do anything. Not many babies are actually 'cute' to me, and I think this in combination with the mothering I do at work keeps me from having any inkling of baby-craving yet. (Dang it, now that sounds like I want to eat babies. I don't. Promise.)
3. My dad died when I was 11. Honestly, I'm not sure I deal with it in a healthy way, but it's what I have done for over half my life. It's nice to live my everyday life NOT getting upset by everything all the time, but it's hard to deal when something catches me off-guard. Remind me that no matter how perfectly they got the dad-dies-suddenly-of-a-heart-attack plot, I should not watch sad episodes of How I Met Your Mother. (On a similar note, certain episodes of Everwood are just plain out.)
4. I need to work out and eat better. I don't know if it's the stress of the school year or what, but I have been eating terribly. My clothes aren't fitting me well right now and I just feel gross and unattractive. Somehow I am really unhappy about my body but that doesn't translate into the motivation to do something about it. Not fair. I don't know how to get that motivation right now. I didn't even find that motivation prior to getting married, like I hoped. I don't need to be a size 2, and never could be- but I know my body and where it normally is bigger and smaller and right now, I'm gaining weight in places I shouldn't. It's frustrating and I feel stupid typing this out, but my insecurities are huge right now.
5. I touched on this earlier, but I super love teaching. I have friends who have gone out to do their job after college and aren't sure it's right, or aren't sure they want to stay in it forever, and honestly, it's hard for me to imagine doing anything else for very long. I love that I can be creative, that it takes smarts (as much as some people might not believe it), and that I feel like I'm truly doing something important every day.
6. I miss being religious. I still believe in God, but beyond that, I'm really not sure what I believe anymore. Sometimes I really miss it, especially the connections to other people in a church, but other times the process of searching for a church isn't something I even vaguely want to embark on. I also miss music dearly. (Not that they have to be related, but singing in church was always a constant for me.) I don't want to go to church again because I feel obligated, but I feel guilty not going.
7. Ryan and I have been together 6 years tomorrow. (To get a measure of how long that is, our relationship-child would be in kindergarten.) Things are great, but sometimes I miss how exciting things were when we first started dating and did romantic things. I'm afraid we've lost a lot of that already, even as newlyweds, and what if it never comes back? It's just not the same now, even on the rare occasions we go and do something couple-y. We used to leave each other sweet notes, and now we send each other football links. There are so many perks with being together longer and being married and all that- but it's also hard to feel like the spark and excitement isn't as strong sometimes.
8. For some reason, folding laundry always feels like a pain. I don't know why it feels like such an awful chore, because it's really not that bad. Maybe it's because doing laundry means a DAY of laundry when I get around to it.
9. I miss having close girlfriends. My last real 'best friend' was in high school, and she and I have grown apart a lot. I chose bridesmaids for my wedding that are great friends, but I don't even keep in touch with them like I should and none of us are as close as we once were. There is nothing like that feeling of someone just 'getting' you, and you don't ever need to hide anything from them. It's not that I don't have some good friends, but I miss that natural ease of a best friend. It's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with me because it's been so long since I've had that in my life. It's lonely sometimes and I feel pressured to get everything right when I meet a new friend so that I don't screw it up.
10. I have a new camera and I LOVE it. I wanted a DSLR for years and I waited and waited because it wasn't something I needed and it was so expensive. I got one just before our honeymoon and it's so worth it.
11. Sometimes I don't feel like I have an identity anymore. I hate that I let most of my hobbies go in college to take a break from being so overwhelmed, and I never really took them back. I feel like all I do is work and then I'm so tired from work that I just come home and watch TV and that's all I ever do. It's like, what happened to the girl I was in high school, who did well in school despite being in so many activities and doing crafty things and actually hanging out with friends?
12. I'm bored with my hair. The ends need to go. I had been growing it out with only trims since I got engaged over two and a half years ago, so it's long, and sometimes I love that. Other times I want to chop it all off and make it more low-maintenance. I'm afraid though that a short haircut will round out my face and make me look fat. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I've got some monster insecurity going on lately so I'm being indecisive.
13. I'm so grateful for the room moms for my classroom. Our fall party was today, and their pinterest-inspired craft and snacks for the kids were fantastic without being crazy or messy or too time-consuming. They are both incredibly sweet and helpful and I am so glad to have them. My last school didn't even have room moms.
14. I feel like such a slob. I'm not an organized person at all, and while I love for things to be organized, it doesn't usually irk me to have things be somewhat messy. It's just not likely to bother me, which is the complete opposite of Ryan. He does so much more than me when it comes to taking care of the apartment, and sometimes I feel super guilty and worry that he's seething at me inside. I could make excuses, but simply put, I should do more but I don't and it makes me feel bad. What organizing energy I do have (which isn't a lot) usually seems like it gets poured into school because everything gets so crazy there.
15. I need to finish thank you notes 2 months ago. They are half done but I don't want to send them out until they are all done. Every time I work on them, I remember Ryan and I have a ton of people in our lives that love us a lot, and it's awesome.
16. I could not be much happier to be on fall break. I have a day off to either slack off or be productive, and while I haven't decided which one I'm doing yet, both are sorely needed before I leap into November.

Weeeell. I have complained plenty for tonight, eh? I just felt like getting it all out. Honestly, life is really good and I'm so lucky to have a teaching job at a great school in the same town where Ryan is in school, but sometimes I need to take a break from the optimism and just get out how I'm really feeling, good and bad.


If you 'blog your heart,' let me know.