Sunday, March 04, 2007

a simile with no like or as

When it storms, I'm always torn between wanting to go inside to get away from it or go outside and be a part of it. There's something awesome about standing out in a fierce storm and watching the lightning or feeling the wind whip by. And even when it feels a little dangerous, there's something fantastic about feeling so much power so close. I don't think I could ever be a tornado chaser or anything, but being out in a regular old thunderstorm can feel exhilarating. Even when storms are frightening or make freezing or soaked- even when they make you feel terrible- it's hard to say you don't feel alive in them.

Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I had a choice of weather. If there was a set amount of bad weather, precipitation, etc. that had to happen in a month, would I spread it out so that every day was drizzly and breezy, or would I instead make it so that all of the bad weather occurred on one or two days? I could spread the rain out so that it was never very severe or dangerous. But if I smushed all of the bad weather into a short period of time, the other days could be sunny and nice. Even if the storm was terrible, I'd get it over with.

If I had to guess, I think I'd suffer a tough storm or two so that the other days could be enjoyable. I think that's kind of what I do with my emotions; I do my best to let myself get really upset once or twice a month. And even though those days are usually fierce and awful... it lets the sunshine prevail on the other days.

At this point, I don't even think it's much of a conscious choice; it's how I deal with things that upset me, and that's that. I keep everything in check, holding myself back from getting really upset until it's convenient to do so. I don't act vulnerable and weak in situations where it's not optimal, and I try not to get upset in public or around most people I know. Occasionally, though, something hits- whether it be an overflow of hormones, worries building up, or whatever else- and I'm not in control anymore. I can tell I'm just in that kind of mood, and the only thing I can do is to 'prepare for the storm,' so to speak. I deal with things as best I can, but there's not much I can really do to keep myself from getting really upset when I'm in that kind of mood.

Lately, it seems like the times when I'm emotional or upset- my 'storms'- are longer. I used to cry for a night, and feel better. But for the past few months, at least, it seems like I have entire days or even a few days at a time where I'm in a terrible mood and nothing can quite snap me out of it for very long. I used to be able to write about whatever was wrong, and it would make me feel better. Usually, after a good cry and a little sleep, I'd feel back to normal. But lately... writing doesn't seem cathartic anymore, and I can cry and still feel awful. I just have to wait until the storm passes, and I don't seem to have very much control over that.

I don't know. Maybe it is better to spread things out and deal with them in little pieces. Maybe the inconvenience of carrying an umbrella for a week and letting people see my face wet from the rain every once in awhile would be better than facing a horrendous storm every once in awhile. But if that's the case, things are a little less predictable and controllable... and, besides, I think I've been dealing with things the same way for long enough that it'd be really hard to change. My 'weather patterns' are somewhat stuck at this point.

I don't know-- I doubt that there really is any 'good' way of dealing with things like this. Spread out or all together, it's still bad weather and it's still no fun to put up with. It's just that sometimes, when I've been upset for a really long time or had a particularly intense cry... I wonder if things would be better if I dealt with them differently. Who knows, I guess.

*P.S.-- Sorry if the storm metaphor was a little over-used. I just came up with it tonight, and I thought it fit pretty well.

1 comment:

Drewcifer said...

I'd like to second your comment about the power of storms. The idea of the amount of power being tossed around in a thunderstorm gets me all excited and awed as well. The nice thing about standing outside in a storm is a temporary feeling that I'm part of that power. Sometimes I have crazy thoughts when there's a powerful storm or wind whipping up around me. My junior year in high school, during marching Regionals at Carmel, there was a bit of a windstorm occurring. I remember during warmups mentally challenging the weather, daring it to try and take my show from me. The idea of something that big for me to challenge made me perform that much better. And the wind died down right before we went out on the field.

I was a crazy kid in high school.