Annecdotes

real right now

2011-10-27T19:21:00.001-04:00

So, I'm terrible about actually blogging, but this caught my eye.

One of the bloggers I follow tried this out. The original woman who started this says, "blog your heart. HONESTLY. it can be silly, funny, serious, short or long...whatever you want it to be. as long as it is authentic."

So... here goes. I'm going to try to go with the things really on my mind lately, as well as a couple random thoughts that came to mind that will hopefully keep it a bit lighter.

I love teaching, but right now I am craving a time where I feel like I'm doing well. I know I am a good teacher, but there are 10 more things I wish I had done at all times. I keep telling myself that next year will be better, because I won't be reinventing everything and I'll have things better figured out, but sometimes I worry that it's always going to feel like this, like I'm never doing enough and I'm constantly swamped.
I'm not a big fan of babies. I'm sure I'll be a big fan of MY (someday) babies, but for right now, they aren't fun until they are toddlers. Hate to say it, but some babies look like aliens and none of them do anything. Not many babies are actually 'cute' to me, and I think this in combination with the mothering I do at work keeps me from having any inkling of baby-craving yet. (Dang it, now that sounds like I want to eat babies. I don't. Promise.)
My dad died when I was 11. Honestly, I'm not sure I deal with it in a healthy way, but it's what I have done for over half my life. It's nice to live my everyday life NOT getting upset by everything all the time, but it's hard to deal when something catches me off-guard. Remind me that no matter how perfectly they got the dad-dies-suddenly-of-a-heart-attack plot, I should not watch sad episodes of How I Met Your Mother. (On a similar note, certain episodes of Everwood are just plain out.)
I need to work out and eat better. I don't know if it's the stress of the school year or what, but I have been eating terribly. My clothes aren't fitting me well right now and I just feel gross and unattractive. Somehow I am really unhappy about my body but that doesn't translate into the motivation to do something about it. Not fair. I don't know how to get that motivation right now. I didn't even find that motivation prior to getting married, like I hoped. I don't need to be a size 2, and never could be- but I know my body and where it normally is bigger and smaller and right now, I'm gaining weight in places I shouldn't. It's frustrating and I feel stupid typing this out, but my insecurities are huge right now.
I touched on this earlier, but I super love teaching. I have friends who have gone out to do their job after college and aren't sure it's right, or aren't sure they want to stay in it forever, and honestly, it's hard for me to imagine doing anything else for very long. I love that I can be creative, that it takes smarts (as much as some people might not believe it), and that I feel like I'm truly doing something important every day.
I miss being religious. I still believe in God, but beyond that, I'm really not sure what I believe anymore. Sometimes I really miss it, especially the connections to other people in a church, but other times the process of searching for a church isn't something I even vaguely want to embark on. I also miss music dearly. (Not that they have to be related, but singing in church was always a constant for me.) I don't want to go to church again because I feel obligated, but I feel guilty not going.
Ryan and I have been together 6 years tomorrow. (To get a measure of how long that is, our relationship-child would be in kindergarten.) Things are great, but sometimes I miss how exciting things were when we first started dating and did romantic things. I'm afraid we've lost a lot of that already, even as newlyweds, and what if it never comes back? It's just not the same now, even on the rare occasions we go and do something couple-y. We used to leave each other sweet notes, and now we send each other football links. There are so many perks with being together longer and being married and all that- but it's also hard to feel like the spark and excitement isn't as strong sometimes.
For some reason, folding laundry always feels like a pain. I don't know why it feels like such an awful chore, because it's really not that bad. Maybe it's because doing laundry means a DAY of laundry when I get around to it.
I miss having close girlfriends. My last real 'best friend' was in high school, and she and I have grown apart a lot. I chose bridesmaids for my wedding that are great friends, but I don't even keep in touch with them like I should and none of us are as close as we once were. There is nothing like that feeling of someone just 'getting' you, and you don't ever need to hide anything from them. It's not that I don't have some good friends, but I miss that natural ease of a best friend. It's hard not to feel like there's something wrong with me because it's been so long since I've had that in my life. It's lonely sometimes and I feel pressured to get everything right when I meet a new friend so that I don't screw it up.
I have a new camera and I LOVE it. I wanted a DSLR for years and I waited and waited because it wasn't something I needed and it was so expensive. I got one just before our honeymoon and it's so worth it.
Sometimes I don't feel like I have an identity anymore. I hate that I let most of my hobbies go in college to take a break from being so overwhelmed, and I never really took them back. I feel like all I do is work and then I'm so tired from work that I just come home and watch TV and that's all I ever do. It's like, what happened to the girl I was in high school, who did well in school despite being in so many activities and doing crafty things and actually hanging out with friends?
I'm bored with my hair. The ends need to go. I had been growing it out with only trims since I got engaged over two and a half years ago, so it's long, and sometimes I love that. Other times I want to chop it all off and make it more low-maintenance. I'm afraid though that a short haircut will round out my face and make me look fat. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I've got some monster insecurity going on lately so I'm being indecisive.
I'm so grateful for the room moms for my classroom. Our fall party was today, and their pinterest-inspired craft and snacks for the kids were fantastic without being crazy or messy or too time-consuming. They are both incredibly sweet and helpful and I am so glad to have them. My last school didn't even have room moms.
I feel like such a slob. I'm not an organized person at all, and while I love for things to be organized, it doesn't usually irk me to have things be somewhat messy. It's just not likely to bother me, which is the complete opposite of Ryan. He does so much more than me when it comes to taking care of the apartment, and sometimes I feel super guilty and worry that he's seething at me inside. I could make excuses, but simply put, I should do more but I don't and it makes me feel bad. What organizing energy I do have (which isn't a lot) usually seems like it gets poured into school because everything gets so crazy there.
I need to finish thank you notes 2 months ago. They are half done but I don't want to send them out until they are all done. Every time I work on them, I remember Ryan and I have a ton of people in our lives that love us a lot, and it's awesome.
I could not be much happier to be on fall break. I have a day off to either slack off or be productive, and while I haven't decided which one I'm doing yet, both are sorely needed before I leap into November.

Weeeell. I have complained plenty for tonight, eh? I just felt like getting it all out. Honestly, life is really good and I'm so lucky to have a teaching job at a great school in the same town where Ryan is in school, but sometimes I need to take a break from the optimism and just get out how I'm really feeling, good and bad.

If you 'blog your heart,' let me know.

Update

2011-09-20T17:36:00.000-04:00

Getting RIF'ed last year was rough. It's hard to know that you haven't done anything wrong, but that you're losing your job anyway. It's even harder when you keep hearing about the number of schools doing the same thing, and the number of teachers now in the job pool with you.

As it turned out, the months I spent job searching, filling out applications, and hoping and praying actually paid off. Despite hearing all kinds of depressing statistics ("oh, we had 400 applicants for those 3 jobs"), I landed a job for this year.

An ACTUAL job. As in, my own classroom kind of job.

I am extremely grateful to my summer boss. I've been his assistant coordinator for science camps for years now, and when he heard there was a position in this corporation, he decided to go in and vouch for me. It certainly helped that his wife had taught in the corporation for over 15 years, and that his neighbor worked in the central office, but from what I heard, the principal (who didn't know this guy at all) was simply impressed that someone had come in and so vehemently argued that she should take a look at an applicant.

She told him that she'd already decided who to interview in the first round, and he told her she was making a big mistake.

Gulp.

But as it turns out, something convinced her to give me a shot, and I was called for an interview with her and the principal at another elementary in the corporation. That other principal ended up liking me so much that she called me in for a 2nd interview with a panel of teachers, and soon, I was hired.

Amazingly, my new school is even closer than my previous school (which was only 15 minutes or so away from home). I am able to live in the same town as my husband, who's finishing school. I didn't think there was ANY chance of that happening. I'd been applying to schools that were an hour or more away, thinking that was the best chance I had. Better yet, this is a great school corporation where I should have a bit more job security, at least for a few years.

It took about 6 months of agonizing over uncertainty, but everything fell into place. My summer was filled with working the science camp, applying to jobs, wedding planning, interviewing, moving, getting married, honeymooning, and setting up a classroom. Very, very busy- but seriously, busy for so many wonderful reasons.

Life is good- but, very busy. Even with two years under my belt as an assistant, my own classroom is still a big challenge. I think it would have been a much easier transition if I had kept the same reading and math series, but changing EVERY series I teach, along with moving to a new school, and being in my OWN room for the first time- it's a lot of change. But I'm in the same grade level, in the local area where I wanted to be, and I just plain have a job, so I really can't complain!

It's never going to happen, but in an ideal world...

2011-02-25T09:17:00.000-05:00

...everyone who works hard to make schools work well should be appreciated.

One thing that I think is missing from all the education debate right now is classified staff.

Around here, especially in the current teacher job climate, many of our classified staff- also known as paraprofessionals, teachers' aides, etc.- are actually certified teachers. Others have been working in similar jobs for such a long time that they may as well have a teaching degree.

Sure, there are some who are unexperienced, not competent, or downright lazy, but most of our paras are very good at what they do and really care about the kids. In our building, there are paras who move from small group to small group all day long, providing intervention for struggling kids. There are paras who work with special needs kids and have to know their particular needs and quirks in order to service them. There are paras who work alongside teachers in the classroom all day.

They often work just shy of full-time (not by choice) so that the school corporation doesn't have to shell out for their benefits. Some of the paras I know still have to spend time at school either before or after they clock in to plan for their small group instruction the next day. Most paras come to be incredibly knowledgeable about the classrooms and kids they work in. They know what is normal, what is allowed, and where things are.

And yet, amazingly, paras (of any experience or talent level) in many corporations make slightly less per day than substitute teachers, who come in to a classroom they likely don't know at all in a school they likely don't know well. They don't know the kids or the rules. Even the best substitute teachers have to be left simplified plans because rarely can the teacher count on things running the same as usual in her absence.

Paras do their job day in, day out, and know the drill. And many of them find their jobs rewarding- but unfortunately, the pay is terrible. Especially if someone doesn't have a second income, it's hard to make it on a para's pay.

And that's not fair. Sure, it might be fair for the kid just out of college who has nothing better to do and does the bare minimum of work, not bothering to connect with kids. But when a school finds someone who is good at the job, reliable, and knows the kids, the school should try to retain that person by paying them a reasonable amount. At the very least, even if the hourly pay were to stay the same, an experienced and talented para should get to work full-time so that s/he can get benefits.

All of the focus right now is on teachers, and believe me, teachers are a big part of the puzzle. But it frustrates me to see people at my school that are good paraprofessionals leaving for other jobs- even though they enjoy this one and feel like they're making a difference- because they simply can't afford to stay. It's not good for our kids- particularly special needs kids- to have a revolving door of paras. It's not good for our schools to be re-training people instead of sticking with those we have. It's not fair to those paras who teach kids and help teachers teach better that they aren't compensated better than the random college kid who knows nothing about education but comes in to sub for the paycheck.

It's about time that schools get enough funding to be able to really hang on to the people- teachers and support staff- who make the schools better. Paras should be able to get paid more as they prove that they are capable, dependable, experienced, and good at their job. I wouldn't call it merit pay, but I do think good support staff should be getting paid what they deserve.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T13:03:00.000-05:00

I just got the official notice that I am being RIF'ed this year.

(For you non-education people, that means I am on the job hunt again. Joy.)

Quick Quiz

2011-01-24T16:30:00.002-05:00

What's the most feared three-letter acronym in education?

I'm curious if everyone will have the same answer as me, and if people outside of education have any clue.

Incredible. And not the good kind.

2011-01-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

I happened across a news story today that is kiiind of blowing my mind. Apparently second graders at a school in Oakland, California were reported to be at least partly naked in the classroom and then performing oral sex... while the teacher was in the classroom.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41194608/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts This version of the story has been commented on by nearly 800 people, and probably read by over a thousand at least, then. There are a few things I find... interesting. And by interesting I mean vague and probably sensationalized.

If you want a more "straight-up" version, I think this one may be a bit better. http://www.ktvu.com/news/26565558/detail.html If nothing else, it is much less vague.

Of course, nearly all the other people who have read the story are commenting with absolute belief in the story. I definitely think it could be possible, but I hope not and I think there's a lot more to the story than what we know now.

I want to say firstly that this sort of thing should never happen, in any form, but I'm not sure I believe this as it's now being told. While the teacher will probably never see a classroom again either way, I'm glad the school is doing an investigation into the veracity of the story.

Things I'm curious to know that might affect the story's believability:

What part of the day this occurred during.
Were these acts during small group instruction or centers, when many students are active throughout the classroom and the teacher- while still responsible for the whole class- could be momentarily distracted by teaching or helping another student or group? This seems plausible to me, especially if other factors were also in place.* Also, in our school, different staff supervises the kids during inside recess in the classrooms- so it might not even be the regular classroom teacher at fault.
The layout of the classroom.
A well-designed classroom should prepare for even center situations, so that wherever the teacher will be, he or she can see the entire classroom and, hopefully, every student. If the classroom did happen to have a library nook or something where students could presumably be out of a teacher's eyesight, the whole story seems a little more plausible. And although a teacher shouldn't set things up that way, it's a mistake that pales in comparison to some of the things of which this teacher is being accused.
The class size.
If a teacher is expected to handle 20 kids, it is entirely different than handling 30 kids. And many teachers are now expected to teach and supervise many more students. (Thank you, budget cuts!) Again, it's not an excuse, but I think some non-teaching people underestimate just how hard it can be to handle a large group of children. Every teacher I know is trying to do a million things at once throughout the school day, and it's not as easy as many people think.
The length of time in which this was supposed to happen.
Good teachers can be distracted for a moment or two- but if either of these incidents occured without a report to the principal immediately, then something skeevy is going on. Even an adult who was doing something wrong probably wouldn't take the chance of letting happen for much time at all. There are always people walking through the hallways!
The behavior history of those students.
I have seen a couple of kids with pretty awful behavior, and there are one or two that I could imagine pulling clothes off to cause disruption. They never did for me, but considering some of the things they did do (racing around the classroom, climbing up onto and then jumping off a desk, scratching their own face, singing and wailing and kicking... etc.) I could see a kid trying that. Especially because there are always a few kids who seem to think body parts are so funny. The first incident, I guess, I can see happening extremely rarely- but it does sound like the principal may not have known at the time, which is simply ridiculous.
The behavior history of the kids who told.
Are these kids with a history of lying or attention-seeking behavior? Are they reliable kids who fess up even when they do something wrong? Are these kids who are easily influenced by their classmates? Even for the simplest instances of tattling, you have to consider the character of the kid. In this case, the school clearly needs to investigate regardless, but I hope if doubts surface, they'll take that into account.
How long it took for kids to tell.
Seriously? Kids talk about anything they think is interesting CONSTANTLY. If this went for days without kids telling their parents, kids telling other kids at recess, or telling another teacher, I'm not sure I buy it. Maybe the teacher told them not to, but even so... it just seems unlikely to me that they wouldn't tell someone. Maybe that's just because my 2nd grade class never shuts up, though :)

I feel like I should be more incredulous at the fact that kids knew about this kind of act, but honestly... it's a crime-ridden, likely low-income urban area. Often, these kids learn a lot more than they should at an early age. One boy in my class has an older brother in high school and when we had to read the word "jerked" in class- he started to snicker. I quickly provided the school-appropriate definition, and we moved on, but it was clear to me that he knew more than the average second grader. Even the best of parents could forget to lock a door and have a kid walk in on them. I feel like in an area where it's likely that many kids have single parents or both parents working, it's more likely that kids have time unsupervised and could be exposed to things for an older age. Never mind the fact that these areas usually have higher instances of substance abuse and therefore probably irresposible behavior/parenting, too.

I guess it doesn't surprise me that a kid might have any idea to even do something like this. Plenty of kids- sometimes, through abuse- learn too much too soon. It surprises me that this was allowed to happen, if indeed it was, in part because even someone demented enough to allow this in the classroom would have to be really dumb to think they could get away with hiding it.

I was frustrated with the first article I posted in part because it said "Teacher watched..." in the title, but in the article it just says the teacher was present in the classroom. Being present and "watching" are two very different things. I also thought it was silly how many commenters assumed the teacher must be incompetent and/or a pedophile. Either- or both- could be true, but they might not be. This person could just be an overwhelmed teacher in an overcrowded school being pushed to make unrealistic gains in test scores who made a huge oversight. This shouldn't have happened (assuming the stories are true)- but assuming that the teacher told kids to do this, or watched, is simply too much to assume at this point.

I hope they'll determine that the kids weren't telling the truth, and that this was all a big misunderstanding, somehow. But terrible things do happen sometimes in schools, and unforunately for the rest of us, it doesn't help the public's perception of teachers.

*I am in no way saying that there is an excuse for the teacher not seeing this going on, but I am saying that especially in an overcrowded classroom, teaching some students while other students are expected to work independently, it's possible that a teacher might be focused on, you know, teaching and not be able to have her eye on all 28 or 30 kids for every second of every day.

Unfair

2011-01-20T16:40:00.000-05:00

Today we did another lesson on Martin Luther King, Jr. (I teach Science or Social Studies every Tuesday and Thursday.) Our kids were starting to remember the stories, but I didn't think they'd really gotten just how unfair everything was.

I started out by doing a read-aloud, but on the SmartBoard. I called students to sit by what color they were wearing. I told them, "Well, red shirts are the best, so if you have a red shirt, come sit in the front row." A couple of kids looked at me quizzically, but they went with it. "Blue shirts, I guess you're okay. Come on up in the second row. Remember, only red shirts are good enough to be in front." Then I continued. "Everyone else..."

The other kids started to stand up, but I said, "You have to stay at your seats." There were a couple of angry faces, but only one spoke out and I shushed him quickly. "Now I need someone to go turn off the lights." Hands shot up. "But it's an important job, so I want someone with a red shirt."

We went on to read this book, and when I had a question to ask, I only called on kids with red shirts. One time I said another student's name, but stopped myself and said, "Oh, wait, I need to choose someone with a red shirt. Those are the smartest kids." The girl I had almost called on was indignant, and I heard some surprised gasps, but I kept moving with the lesson and at the end, called everyone down to the carpet.

I talked about how Martin Luther King, Jr. didn't like that people were judged by the color of their skin, and then I asked the kids what I had been judging them by. Some of the kids- especially those in the back of the room- had hands in the air immediately. I explained that I didn't really think shirt color mattered, but we talked about how it made people feel when I pretended it did.

A few minutes later, we finished the book, with everyone sitting together. I felt like it had gone well, and the kids really seemed to have understood on an emotional level (not just a cognitive one) how it would feel to be judged on an arbitrary characteristic. (A lot of teachers do this with eye color, but I didn't think I had enough variation in our class to make it useful.)

I noticed at the end of the story, one girl was crying. It was the girl I had almost called on but then stopped to call on someone with a red shirt. I felt terrible- even though I'd meant to make the situation feel unfair, I didn't want her still upset! Especially because she's not one of those kids who cries often.

We all went back to our seats, and I immediately went over to her. As she sat down, I told her that I hadn't really meant that she wasn't smart enough to answer the question, that I was sure she knew the answer, and that I was only trying to show how unfair things used to be. She nodded. I asked her if she was mad at me, and she said, "No."

I was confused. "What's wrong?"

She looked up at me, wiping away one of her last tears, and just said simply, "I'm sad that someone killed Martin Luther King."

I don't know if it was the shirt color segregation or what, but something hit home.

exhausted.

2011-01-14T17:22:00.000-05:00

It has been a crazy week.

Last Thursday, I checked my phone and had 3 messages at lunch. I never have more than one message, and even that is rare. Mom was desperately trying to get ahold of a family member who had called her, and I had a bad feeling even then.

When my cousin called back, she said her father had two brain aneurysms discovered a few days before, and they had led to a massive stroke on both sides of the brain. When we got the call, he was on life support but declared braindead.

They kept him on life support until they could find enough patients for him to donate multiple organs, but the funeral happened in a matter of days.

I know they can't be pleasant for anyone, but funerals are tough for me. My dad died when I was young, and every funeral I go to reminds me incredibly of that rough time. I'm still nowhere near over it (even though I recently reached the point where I'd been alive longer without my dad than with him). I have trained myself, basically, to push back the grief when I need to. Or even when I just want to. Most days nothing really gets to me- and even if it does, I'm usually able to move on through my day and deal with it when I get home.

A funeral is a giant reminder of everything. I can't push it back, or get away, or concentrate on something else. It's there, staring me in the face, with every awkward hug and each line of "On Eagle's Wings." Every second I can't manage to distract myself, I become 11 years old again and can't stop crying. The grief that normally lies dormant and dull suddenly becomes sharp and insistent, especially when there's a picture set out of my dad and uncle together when they were young and grinning.

For me in this case, the person's death was sudden but not entirely shocking, as he'd suffered many health problems in the past. But my heart ached for his family. His kids are only in their 20's, and yet both of their parents have died in the past 5 years. I know how much it hurts to lose your dad, but I can't imagine how the pain would magnify if my mom weren't here either. It doesn't feel fair that they have to deal with that.

I did my sub plans on Monday, drove home to beat the snow, spent most of the day at the church, drove back, and taught again on Wednesday. My week felt strange and 'off', and I kept fighting off really thinking more about what happened so I could get through the week. Honestly, during the days I didn't think I could deal with it and still teach. And after work, I've kept myself distracted as much as possible because I haven't really wanted to deal with it.

Throughout all of this, my grandfather has been in the hospital, too, dealing with a plethora of ailments that seem to be worsening and complicating each other more each day.

I got a message yesterday that my mom and her siblings were driving down to Florida immediately. The doctor gave word that Grandpa's chances weren't good of making it out of the hospital. They're fighting a monster case of pneumonia for a chance to fix his heart, and he's just been moved to the ICU where they are trying 'last chance' options.

I feel like I don't know what to do, because there's really not any concrete thing I can do but pray and it doesn't feel like enough. I feel guilty because I keep putting everything out of my mind, even though I know that tends to be how I deal with things until I can't do it anymore. I can't stop worrying about my cousins and my grandma and my mom and everyone who is closer to the situation than me. I'm sick of having to keep my phone in my pocket at work because I might need to take an emergency call or check it and find a message that something else has gotten worse.

I don't know what I want to come of writing about all this, but I needed to. Either one of these situations would be hard, but I'm really struggling with facing both so close together. If things get worse for my grandpa, I'm afraid I'll just... unravel. Hopefully the antibiotics will start working soon.

P.S.- I know I have some friends who will want to pray and think of me, but please don't. If you want to do something like that, think of my grandfather and my cousins, grandma, and mom. They are dealing with a lot more than I am right now.

Heartbroken.

2010-11-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

One of the special things about working in a low-income, high-transiency school is that you sometimes have little or no notice that a child is moving.

This morning a girl turned her homework in on my desk, and then told me that this afternoon she needed to pack up all her stuff because her mom was picking her up and tomorrow she was going to a new school. Occasionally a kid will claim to be moving for months (and it never happens), but this was immediate- and as a quick check with the secretary revealed, it was also true.

She came and found me while I was on recess duty. She left her friends to come over and tell me that she was really going to miss me and she wished she could stay here at our school. But she was moving- again- to at least her 4th school in 2 1/2 years. She said she asked her mom if they could just please stay in one spot.

And I want to ask her mom the same thing. This girl started the year reading under 10 words a minute and she is expected to be at 90 words a minute by the end of the year. This girl has just finally- after working on it for the last 10 weeks of school- learned to count by 2's, 5's, and 10's (... most of the time).

Sure, she's gregarious and adorable, so she'll make friends at a new school, but will she still have 60 minutes of targeted reading instruction at her level (even though it is probably a year behind)? Will she still get at least 30 minutes of focused, small-group time on math skills? Will she still have two teachers in her classroom to pull her out when she needs some extra help? Will she still be coming to school an extra hour every day and potentially an extra 6 weeks into the summer to help her catch up?

Most of those will definitely not be true at her new school, and the others aren't likely.

So I spent the end of my lunch writing her a note, hopefully at her reading level, that told her how much I was going to miss her and gave her the address of the school in hopes she'll write to me.

She probably won't, but I had to try. Because I will miss her. Despite how hard things are for her, she has a bright and cheery attitude and won't give up. I've asked her to erase a backwards number or letter countless times and she doesn't complain- she just fixes it and goes on trying. She's got this beautiful singing voice and loves to use rhythm or movement while she counts. She wants to do well and she's sweet, and when she finally does get something, she grins from ear to ear and you can't help but feel every bit as proud as she does. She's one of those kids I've just clicked with a little extra.

And I just have to hope that her new teacher doesn't groan and give up after seeing her test scores. I have to hope that her new teacher doesn't get frustrated with how talkative she can be, or how she sometimes spaces out and doesn't pay attention. And more than that, I have to hope that her new teacher can find the time and the help to get her what she really needs. (Because although most teachers would probably want to, it's sometimes impossible to get it all in.)

I may have only known her since August, but I hate having to let her go and trust that some teacher I don't know at some other school is going to take care of her, especially because I know my school has been given extra money for extra teachers and extra time and most schools don't have those kinds of opportunities for their students.

It's hard when a student leaves. It's harder when it's a student you worked with in small groups or individually a lot. It's tougher when you've seen firsthand how another teacher might not click with her so well. It's even worse when she once spent a day of recess telling you about fighting going on at home.

*sigh*

I hope it all works out. Who knows? Maybe she'll end up back here someday...

That's not fair! She was doing it, too!

2010-10-06T23:03:00.000-04:00

In the teacher's lounge today, we got to talking about speeding tickets. One of the teachers had gotten one that very morning, and was none too happy about it.

"I even asked him- what about all those other cars in front of me? I was just keeping up with traffic, so I know they were speeding too! How come he didn't pull them over?"

It cracked me up.
Kids tell me the exact same thing all day.

"But I wasn't the only one talking!"

"What about the other people that ran?"

"He hit me first! Why isn't he in trouble?"

And I always explain that I don't have eyes in the back of my head and sometimes I don't see when people misbehave. Not every person will get caught every time. But if you don't want to be caught doing the wrong thing, you can't be doing the wrong thing in the first place.

It's always seemed hard for kids to understand the cause-and-effect in that kind of situation, but it wasn't until today that I realized they aren't the only ones!

Never Make Assumptions...

2010-09-15T23:18:00.001-04:00

Being an assistant teacher for these two years has meant that I get to work firsthand with substitute teachers.

And there are wonderful substitute teachers. But unfortunately, those subs are in high demand and there aren't usually enough to go around.

I know that I'm in a unique situation. Most people leave some hopefully-foolproof sub plans, cross their fingers, hope for the best, and read between the lines of the notes and the students' comments to guess how the day actually went. It's a leap of faith, and sub plans are a pain, but at least you don't have to be there to see how awful it may go.

As it is now, our school is required to get a substitute for the classroom teacher, but usually, because I know how we do things, I do the majority of the teaching anyway. I have quickly discovered that some substitutes actually will walk around, help students, and help them pay attention while I teach. Others... well, I can easily see which subs come to our school knowing (and taking advantage of the fact) that they often have a much easier workload because there is an assistant teacher in the room who does almost everything.

I also have a chance to see those who mean well, but unfortunately just don't quite cut it.

Today there were only 10 minutes of the entire day during which my students were alone with the substitute teacher while I was at lunch. Less than that, actually, when you consider that we never get in from recess on time.

Written in the plans: Basically, take students for a restroom break, and then to a special.
Implied: Keep the class under control.

Apparently I need to be more specific, because the class was completely out of control to the point where another teacher stepped in to yell at loud kids and try to sort out some probable bullying. The other teacher explained that maybe she had overstepped her boundaries, but felt obligated to step in because the substitute was doing nothing more than "standing in one spot and talking loudly" to the kids and she was concerned for a student's safety.

Annnd not only did his happen, but when this colleague stopped in to talk to me about it after school, I had no idea what she was talking about. The substitute had allowed the class to get so out of control that another teacher intervened, and a student was possibly physically bullied in the bathroom, but the substitute didn't bother to tell me anything about it, even when I was in the classroom for the entire afternoon with her. This is a situation that my colleague shared with the principal- and the substitute didn't even share it with me.

In fact, her note to the teacher ended with, "We had a great day!"

I'll say it again. There are wonderful substitute teachers, but there are also some- even the sweetest old ladies- who make me worry for the days when I will have my own classroom and need a substitute. Because if I struggled to keep certain members of the class under control today- I don't even want to think about what the day would have been like if the substitute was their only teacher.

And I might not have even known.

It's a scary thought.

Recess Walk

2010-09-13T21:27:00.000-04:00

Until the weather gets freezing, I'm actually enjoying recess duty. I usually take over Homework Detention, which means helping a lot of kids who don't do their homework at home (and often have a hard time completing it on their own). I don't mind it. Some of these kids are getting attention that they crave, or getting one-on-one reteaching that they might not get otherwise. Meanwhile, I miss out on lots of tattling and help out the grade level teachers. Win-win!

Unfortunately, I started Homework Monitoring just after promising one of the little ones that we'd go for a walk and talk one day. He kept asking me, "When are we going to go on our walk?" And when I said, "I don't know- I'll try today!" he'd respond, "You keep saying that." I felt awful, but I promised him that I'd find a day to make it work.

Today I was finally able to go on a walk with him, and I asked him about his weekend.

"Did you see the building that went down on TV?" he asked. I assumed he was talking about the local bar that burned to the ground a few days ago.

"Oh, the one with the fire?"

"No, the one the plane went into. I felt really sad for that lady," he told me somberly, with genuine sympathy on his face.

Apparently at some point this weekend, he saw a 9/11 memorial on television, heard a woman tell her story, and didn't realize that the whole event actually happened 9 years ago.

I was a little taken aback, but also touched. I don't think he realized that this had been such a huge national event, especially because we live far from the area in which it happened, and he wasn't even alive when the planes hit- and yet I could tell that he was really affected nonetheless by seeing it.

I wouldn't have expected a seven year old to understand the gravity of 9/11, but he certainly seemed to. I'm glad I made time for that walk today.

"Listen, Mom! Someone thinks I'm organized!!!"

2010-08-31T22:22:00.000-04:00

Today we were talking about responsibility, and giving some ideas for how to be responsible with homework.

I was mentioning how I make sure to take things out of my bag for school and then put them back as soon as I'm done so I know I won't forget them. I told them I have to do this because I'm a messy person and it's hard for me to be neat, even though I'm trying (especially the beginning of this year).

Later, my new lead teacher asked, "Really? Was that true? I don't see you as a messy person at all..."

And I was amazed. Yes, we're only a week and a half in, but this is shocking considering that at one point in my childhood, my room floor was so messy that my dad took everything and put it in trash bags and said unless it was homework, I couldn't get it back for 2 weeks. Clothes, shoes, whatever- I went 2 weeks without it.

My backpacks were always filled with randomness by the end of a year. More than a few papers were lost while I was in school. I have a pile literally a foot tall of papers from last year and the summer that still need filing.

But to start out the school year, I have managed to convince my co-teacher that I am at least somewhat organized and neat.

This may be the first time anyone has ever even kind of called me organized. I called my mom right after school to brag. Now I just hope it lasts!

Open House!

2010-08-21T20:36:00.000-04:00

Every teacher blog I read seems to be focusing on how their classroom is set up for the new year, and I love it. I'm picking up so many wonderful ideas and so much inspiration for when I set up my own room! (See: linky on Babbling Abby's fantastic Teacher Week!) It makes me itch to get started and buy and make new things.

Unfortunately, I'm not at the stage of having my own room, but I am working on setting up a classroom! Our open house was this past week, and school is starting soon!

I've been helping my new partner-in-rhyme (eh... not sure about that one). We've been working on moving her into a new school while she also moves at home. I don't know how she's doing it, and I know she has got to be so stressed. She seems like she has a million different wonderful teaching ideas, and I can't wait to learn from her, but she's been so busy that I spent some time getting ready alone in the room this week.

It was odd; at times, I could think of so many things that I would do if it were my room. Some of these were things I didn't know if she wanted to do herself (or at all), and some of them were things that I would simply want to check with her about before I started working. It was a little odd to know what to do but not feel I could do it, but it also felt like a trial run.

I can tell already that one of the ways my assistant position has helped me is simply in showing me what a room needs to be ready. Between student teaching and where I was last year, I've seen two very different classrooms. Because I student taught in the Spring, though, I didn't get to see everything the teacher did at the beginning of the year (both before students came, and on that all-important first day).

Here were some of the things I did as we got ready for Open House:

- Make a bulletin board outside the room with student names so they can find their room.
(I put each name on a balloon and then tied a string from each one. Then I gathered the strings so they were in one big bunch!)
- Put away student supplies.
(Our school is purchasing or getting donated the necessary supplies, so I separated them all from their bulk boxes and put them in individual boxes for each kid or into a class supply area.)
- Label art boxes. They all look alike and I know we'll have arguments of whose are whose!

- Distribute books to each desk.

- Label any place the kids will use specifically in the room, such as cubbies.

- Make a name label for each desk- but class lists change a lot, so don't attach them far in advance!

And those were just the things I actually did! If it were my room, I would want to do even more before open house.

I'd make sure we had a large name label for each teacher's desk, a welcome message up on the SmartBoard, a sign-in sheet and parent volunteer sheet, a note with a picture of me and treat for each student inside their desk at open house, and a page or activity for parents and/or students to do while at open house! I might even let students sign in on the SmartBoard (but make sure that no other writing utensils but the SmartBoard pens are in sight!), or I might have a slideshow of pictures from the year before on the board to show students some of the activities they will be doing.

At our school, open house happens before school starts and families mill around the school at any time in the hour to see their students' classrooms. There is no time where all parents are in your room to hear a talk or presentation, but luckily we still had time to greet each student and family that came in. About half of our students came, which is actually much better attendance than last year! The kids really like seeing their name outside the door and then coming in to see their special spots and things in the room. And, of course, meeting even half of the kids has me so excited to start school this week!

All the preparation also got me thinking about the things I would like to do to set up my own classroom next year- not just for open house, but for the whole year. This week I hope to type out my list for each step along the way so that next year, I'll have each small step written out and ready to be crossed off when it's done!

Another Way to Make a Cent

2010-08-17T09:56:00.000-04:00

Picture borrowed from Rrrrred.

New pennies? Come on! They look nice, but do you people realize how difficult you make teaching money every time you add an updated style?

The new nickels have been confusing, and don't even get me started on state quarters. (What coin has a tree? Well, kids, if it has an eagle or ANYTHING ELSE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE, go ahead and assume it's a quarter.)

It may seem simple for adults to figure out, but for little kids, you're just adding more and more that they have to be able to recognize and distinguish, and learning to count money is already hard for most of our kids!

Come on, U.S. Mint, I know you're trying to honor stuff, but help us out here!

Summatime!

2010-08-05T13:18:00.002-04:00

Most jobs have vacation time that's a bit more spread out through the year. Teachers get it mostly at once, and after this summer, I've realized I have to be careful to use it as vacation!

(By the way, for any non-teachers who think I'm complaining or think it's unfair, just stop. Teachers don't get paid for the summer- our paychecks for the 180 school days we work are just spread out over the whole year.)

This year I taught summer school. Unlike a lot of summer school programs, ours lasted the entire school day for 6 weeks. Then, I helped teach a summer camp for a couple of weeks. After that, I went back to my hometown and dove headfirst into wedding planning for a week.

Today, I slept in. I've done nothing productive at all yet. I'm still in my pajamas, and I've got reality TV on. I do need to get a few things done this afternoon, but it shouldn't be much. Tonight, I'm leaving for a mini-vacation with my fiance and family. I do need to clean up around home and get myself organized for the new school year after vacation, but I finally have the time to do it, and at least I shouldn't have a lot to do to set up a classroom!

It feels like I've finally gotten to SUMMER and it's fantastic!

School's going to start before I know it, and I'm hoping I have enough time left to enjoy that summer feeling, and get bored with that summer feeling juuuust before school starts! How about you? Has it felt like summer, and are you ready to go back to school?

Already?!

2010-07-24T18:30:00.000-04:00

Whew. I worked through the regular school year, summer school, and then a week and a half of science camp. After that, I've gone in twice for a few hours to help finish up the grading and paperwork of the camp.

It's truly summer 'break'- and luckily for me, they've pushed back our school's start date so that I have about a month until teacher workdays.

But the stores already have Back to School materials out. Ugh. Does that make anyone else feel like summer is basically over?

The Red Pen

2010-07-21T11:01:00.000-04:00

I try to look for the bright side of things, and this past year has been no exception. Starting out my teaching career as an assistant to another teacher had its perks.

I didn't have that notorious Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad First Year. I was given plenty of opportunities to teach, and plan, and grade- I just didn't have to do ALL of it. I could share those responsibilities and not feel overwhelmed, while still getting a teacher pay and compensation.

Honestly, even just getting a job as a teacher of any kind was wonderful.

I wasn't the only teacher in this kind of position in our school, and a lot of us became friends. We were together in just starting out and wishing for our own room.

And for a few of the teachers, that happened. By Spring Break, they knew they had their own room for the following year. They were thrilled, but of course, didn't want to brag. I made my best effort to bring it up and congratulate them so that my friends wouldn't feel awkward, but it's hard to see other people getting what you want.

When I was evaluated, I was cut down hard for my classroom management. I know it's something a lot of new teachers hear, so it probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, but it was unexpected. We were having some discipline issues in our classroom and I knew that, but never before in ANY evaluation (even all through student teaching) had I been criticized for my ability to keep the class under control. I had my weaknesses but that was not one I knew.

I was told that even as an assistant, the kids had to know that when I was in front of them, teaching, certain things were and were not acceptable- regardless of the classroom climate when the other teacher was up in front of them. If they could get up and get a drink mid-lesson with the other teacher, they had to know they couldn't with ME. I wasn't sure what else I could do- many times I already felt like I was tougher with discipline than the other teacher, but the system in place didn't have much in the way of consequences. I would have loved to change it, but couldn't do more than suggest a change. I also wasn't sure I even wanted to force inconsistency of the rules on the kids- I felt it would be confusing and probably not work well without consequences to back it up.

It was hard for me because I felt that it wasn't necessarily a weakness of my teaching, and I wasn't sure how to show improvement. I was told the principal saw improvement on the next evaluation, but I could tell much more was expected. In none of my evaluations did I get better than a "Satisfactory" in any category, so I was left feeling like I was bad at this, and not especially good at anything. Despite the words that came out on the evaluation, the tone and suggestions still said, "You aren't good at this."

It was interesting to me, too, and I wondered if the principal noticed- the lead teachers who were struggling with classroom management had assistants who also struggled, and the lead teachers who did well with classroom management had assistants who also did well. Coincidence? Well, to me, this speaks of classroom climate having a very strong impact, and it being hard to evaluate each individual independent of it, especially assistants who have little control over the climate. But I'm not sure the principal saw it the same way.

When time came to get my assignment for the next year, I knew better than to hold out much hope that I would join my friends in having my own classroom. I could tell the principal didn't trust me to have my own room yet.

Honestly, from the principal perspective, I know they only want to put people in a classroom that they have seen demonstrate really doing it. It makes sense. But the principal has to know it is hard on us to see our colleagues- the people who are just as new as us, and who were on the same level as us before- moving up, when we don't get to.

It's hard, and I'm jealous. If there just wasn't room, that would be one thing. But there are rooms with no 'head teacher'- including the one I'm assigned to for next year. I don't know who I'll work with, and may not know until the last minute. I don't know if this is someone that will let me do much actual teaching. I don't know if this is someone who is strong where I'm not and will teach me a lot and make me a better teacher. I don't know if this is someone I'll even get along with at all.

The hardest part for me is that except for my evaluations and this whole issue, I feel this year has made me a better teacher. The teacher I worked with was great and let me be a partner. I know my first year will be easier because of this year. But overall, my confidence in myself running a classroom has diminished.

I was scared before, but knowing that the principal doesn't have faith in my abilities makes me terrified. What if those opinions are right? What if I CAN'T control the kids? What if I'm NOT cut out for this?

If I ended up getting one of the open positions for the fall, it would be at the last minute. And while this whole thing speaks to me wanting my own room, I'm not sure I want one this year. Not a week before school with little time to set up and plan. Not knowing that the administration doesn't trust me and sees it as a risk. Not with my self-confidence so low.

I don't know what would have made them better, but I know for sure that evaluations shouldn't leave me feeling like this.

(High School) Kids Say the Darndest Things

2010-07-18T11:29:00.000-04:00

When I'm teaching elementary kids, I expect them to be completely and totally random. I expect them, especially in science, to ask me all kinds of crazy questions about why the world is the way it is. And I love it!

Now that summer school is over, I'm helping out at the summer camp I've worked for 4 summers. It's a high school biology camp, with heavy loads of chemistry and math. It's kind of unique- I'm a 2nd grade teacher who can teach logarithms, pH, and the Henderson-Hasselbalch equation like they're the back of my hand. I really enjoy it because I love biology (and nearly became a biologist instead of a teacher.)

It's really different teaching high school students. There are reasons why I chose to become an elementary teacher (and not a biology teacher) even though I love biology. There are so many kids already turned off about learning, and way too much attitude that I don't want to deal with. Even though most of these kids come to camp voluntarily, I can see it in some of them, too. For a few weeks, it's fine- but it's not something I want to deal with every day. Plus, in elementary, I get the chance to teach everything. I love biology, but I am passionate about reading and writing too. I hated math when I was in elementary school, so I love the opportunity to make math seem easier and more fun to kids who hate it!

Simply put, elementary's a better fit for me, but I still love science and this camp is a great way for me to get a chance to do things like gel electrophoresis and bacterial transformation. And I get to teach high school kids. The kids who aren't turned off are a lot of fun to be around. You can joke with these kids, or be sarcastic, and they get it. I get to help introduce them to a university, and what it's like to be in college. They can challenge me on an intellectual level the way most of my 7 year olds can't. I get to watch hilariously obvious flirting when often, they are oblivious. Best of all, I don't have to deal with them asking to go to the nurse, needing help to tie their shoes, or having "accidents" in the middle of the day.

It's a nice change, but I miss some of the things about elementary kids, too- like their propensity to say the funniest, most random things. And then one of the high schoolers surprised me.

We were making macromolecule models and I mentioned that -ose at the end of a word means 'sugar' because glucose (like in blood sugar) and sucrose (table sugar) are two examples- as is deoxyribose, the sugar that helps to form the backbone of our DNA. One of the kids asked about -ase as a suffix. Generally, -ase means an enzyme. From there, we talked about what it means to be lactose-intolerant, and what that means about your body's lactase (the enzyme that processes the sugar lactose, which is most commonly found in milk).

Stay with me :) Almost there.

Now that we're talking about digestion, one of the kids, laughing because she's a little embarrassed to say it, asks me why her pee smells like tuna after she eats tuna. I wasn't sure, honestly, but I explained that since urine is waste, the way it ends up is affected by what you eat first. She counters, saying, "But when I eat hamburgers, my pee doesn't smell like hamburgers." The best I had was, whatever causes the 'tuna smell' must not be broken down through the digestion process, but the 'hamburger smell' must get broken down somehow- and that seemed to satisfy her.

But she has one more question. "How come when I drink a lot of water, my pee gets almost clear?"

And this one, I can answer. In fact, it's a perfect reinforcement of something we've learned. I respond that this is just like our dilutions of dye solutions. When you add more water, the color gets lighter and the solution gets more clear. She made an "ahhhhh," and I had to laugh. I did not go into the day expecting to answer random questions about things like tuna-smelling pee.

Maybe teaching high school kids isn't quite as different as I thought!

The Finish Line.

2010-07-08T16:21:00.000-04:00

That's it! I'm done!

Today was definitely a little frantic, but overall- it was wonderful.

I gave them each a pair of "reading glasses" (shiny sunglasses!) to celebrate finishing summer school. The class store had a 50% off sale. I gave them each a special send-off message, and got a few sweet hugs. We had a great time hanging out at the pizza party, and they were so grateful and polite.

As for the serious stuff- we had a ton of assessments to still finish up today- and they did amazingly. Overall, they made a lot of progress and they worked so hard, even on the last day. After yesterday's computer test was frustrating for a lot of them, today's wasn't so bad (even though it covered a ton of things we never did!).

Our attendance has slowly dwindled, so what started as a class of 7 was down to 4 kids today- but those 4 kids had a great day. When I asked their favorite thing we did in summer school, the first response was "working as a team." (Whaaat? Unexpected!) And when I gave them their reading glasses, they looked so darn cute that I couldn't help but snap a couple of pictures with them.

It's funny. I am incredibly glad to be on summer break, but it feels weird not to be typing up morning work or grading papers. I'm not going to know what to do with myself tomorrow.

I am so glad I taught summer school. Having my own room for the first time, and having such a small class, was fantastic. Only six weeks with these kids- but I am going to miss them like crazy.

Almost summer break at last!

2010-07-07T17:11:00.000-04:00

NOW I realize why teachers do so much "fluff" the last days of school.

We made the mistake of choosing 3 review standards to cover and assess for our last week, which is 3 days long. After a long weekend, and before going home for a glorious few weeks of freedom.

Besides these 3 standards and assessments, we need to end summer school taking mClass Math (5 assessments to practice and take), DIBELS ORF (3 one-minute readings and retells per child), a computerized standardized test in reading and math (the first took my kids well over an hour today), and a general math post-test.

I definitely should have done more of these last week. There's just so much to do! Tomorrow by the time we've had morning work, our morning recess, science, and a computer test, we have 20 minutes before lunch. IF they finish the test on time. Lunch is a pizza party for those that met their reading goal (everyone). Everything else, including packing up, cleaning the room and desks, and finishing up assessments will have to happen in the afternoon. Somehow, in amongst all of that, I am required to get the grades in the gradebook so that right after school, the principal can print grade cards.

Plus, I'm trying to pack up my things because I'm currently taking residence in another teacher's room and I want to get my stuff out of her way. I am allowed to leave it at school, but I don't even know for sure where to leave it (because my assignment may well change, said the principal). The loot I've collected over the summer is piling up and most of it needs to go home until I have my own classroom.

I'm a messy person by nature, but the state of this room (not to mention my to-do lists for tonight and tomorrow) are driving me crazy. If I stay until I get it all done, I could be here all night.

And yeah, I know. I'm blogging instead of working, but... I needed a break. I needed to vent!

The good news is that my kids are doing really well on their assessments so far. Most of them are showing a lot of growth in at least 1 area, and I think coming to school for an extra six weeks has been good for them. Better yet- a couple of them said they wish tomorrow wasn't the last day, and kids were asking me if they could please take their reading logs home.

Even though I can't wait for tomorrow to be over, it makes me feel good to know I've got to be doing something right!

Fireworks

2010-07-06T15:50:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, I watched fireworks to celebrate the Fourth of July (American Independence Day!). We went downtown and sat on a pedestrian bridge, waiting until the fireworks started and just chatting with friends until they started.

There were people who had waited patiently in order to snag a good seat sitting all along the sidewalks. Many were there even before we arrived. But when the show started, just about everyone walking along the bridge seemed to stop in the middle of the bridge and stand.

So- two rows of people sitting, with people standing in front of us. Faaantastic. Luckily, we were far enough back to still see okay, and we made sure to scoot back in case the people in front of us needed to move back. There was a lady, though, who couldn't see well from her staked out spot and was furious.

She spent most of the fireworks show yelling at people to sit down or move out of the way, with such polite requests as "There's a BABY back here! MOVE it!" Anytime someone stopped in front of her, she told them to move down (and stand in front of other people) because "her baby can't see!!!" When someone she was with took the baby and held him in a different area, where he could see, she whined (loudly) that the reason she came was to see the baby's reaction and she couldn't see it when he wasn't even near her. The man handed her the baby and vented that, "Fine, you should just do what you want then. I'm done trying." As more people moved and stopped in front of her, she'd yell, "My baby's crying because he can't see! Get outta the WAY!" (Apparently not realizing that fireworks, being loud and bright, could probably also scare a baby enough to make him cry. Or, you know, this woman yelling in his ears.)

As if that wasn't enough, some salesmen walked by with glowsticks. "HEY! Light man! Hey- HEY! Guy with the LIGHTS!" she hollered. He has a hard time hearing because he's not very close, he's in a crowd of people, and there are fireworks being shot off. Finally, the guy turns around and she tells him, "You know, maybe you should LISTEN if you want business." And she proceeds to take her sweet time paying this man for a glowing lightsaber thing while he stands directly in front of a couple and our group. So, heaven forbid someone stand in front of her and her baby- but no big deal if she causes them to stand right in front of other people.

This woman is driving me crazy. Her bitching has been constant and annoying throughout what should have been an extremely pleasant fireworks display. Honestly, if I were the guy selling glowsticks, I would have loved to tell her to be nice if she wants service and walked away. Money's good, but sticking it to her by not letting her get what she wanted would have felt even better.

I'm quickly losing my faith in humanity, but then, a few minutes later, I hear a kind voice from behind her. Someone politely asked if she wanted to come back there. The nice woman explained that they had a great view, and she and the baby should be able to see just fine without anyone in their way.

And, my faith in humanity was quickly restored. Even though this lady was being an incredible annoyance, someone still offered her a better spot when they didn't have to offer anything. Kindness means a lot, but kindness to someone who's berating others and doing nothing to earn it means even more.

If you celebrate it, hope you had a happy 4th of July!

Loot!

2010-07-05T09:39:00.000-04:00

I'm still teaching summer school, but summer school is only for grades K-3. Our 5th grade is moving to a middle school next year, and we will likely be adding sections in the primary grades, so a lot of people are moving classrooms. I have discovered that a LOT of people are going through their closets and throwing out things they don't need, and it is glorious.

GLORIOUS, I tell you.

My old co-teacher has been extremely generous- while she's at school for summer school, she's been slowly working through her cabinets and she found lots of things she never uses, like number lines and morning meeting posters and laminated charts- some not even opened- and gave them to me. She also found a huge box of books from an old reading series, and gave them to me. I found an old science series (we don't even use science series in primary grades anymore!) and a desktop file holder in the teachers' supply room. I found some thick cardboard mailboxes out in the hallway, about to be thrown away. I found binders and a few old board games outside a room where someone is moving.

I am so lucky to be in the school for the first part of the summer to see when people throw things out like this! I likely won't have my own room this year, so my "for a classroom" collection is collecting dust in the closet- but when the time comes, I'll have a lot more to start with.

Make sure if you have work to do at school over the summer that you walk around the building looking for free boxes! Plus, if your grade-level teachers know you're looking to build up your classroom, they will hopefully offer you first dibs. I've been VERY lucky and it's exciting! :) And better yet- FREE!

One of the things that makes teaching relatively unique...

2010-07-01T15:59:00.000-04:00

One of my kids was itching today, but not his head particularly, so I didn't think much of it. Plus, it's the summer and I have multiple kids with mosquito bites all over their arms and legs from being outside in the evenings.

Later in the day, I was walking around to see how they were doing on a paper, and this kid looks up to me, pointing at the side of his neck. "Do I have a flea on my neck?" he asks, clear as day.

And... yes, yes he did. A few minutes later he itched his head and said, "I hope I'm not getting lice again."

I have been itching ALL day.

The Power of a Theme

2010-06-27T17:14:00.000-04:00

Even though I'm excited to have a break in a few weeks, I am loving summer school.

I have a class of 7 kids. I can work individually on something with every kid, every day. I can call on them each probably at least 10 times a day. They each get a worthwhile classroom job every week. Our line in the hallway and our time spent going on bathroom breaks are wonderfully short. When I walk around the room, I can check every paper every time. When students turn in a quiz, it is easy for me to meet with each one to go over the answers. Every student does fluency practice every day. We can do hands-on, materials-intensive projects. I can assess students while they play games much easier, so we do less worksheets. I feel like we can do so much! In some ways, I wish school was like this year-round.

The opportunities for differentiation are fantastic, too, but I think my very favorite thing about summer school is that we have a theme in the curriculum for each week.

Besides our reading choices being focused on the same theme, we also have a designated time (30 minutes per day) for thematic science or social studies instruction. When possible, we connect math and writing to that theme, too. There is a focus, and I love it!

Having that theme gives me somewhere to start, especially for science and social studies. It gives me ideas for better lessons. Last week, we learned about giants. Our standards were measurement of length in centimeters and inches; writing a brief description of a familiar person, place, or thing; and identifying synonyms and antonyms. Here were some of our activities:

Reading aloud a rhyming fiction story about a giant
Reading non-fiction about giant animals, a legend about a giant, and two poems about giants
Giants readers' theater (a fairy tale)
Reading about redwoods and experimenting to see how stems move water up a plant
Discussing perspective and drawing from the perspective of a giant

Creating a "giant" out of straws and measuring its body parts
Writing a description of the straws giant
Brainstorming synonyms and antonyms for the word giant
Created giant ants with antonyms on them
Folding an icosahedron model of the Earth
Using our models and flashlights to simulate the movement of Earth around the sun

Obviously, we did other activities that weren't tied into the theme, too. This was actually one of the harder themes to integrate, I felt, but we still did all of these things related to Giants in five days.

I can't wait to try more of this during the regular school year, because it makes the planning and teaching more fun for me, and- most importantly- the kids are SO EXCITED to learn! And I'll post more about this later, but I think that's half the battle.

Looooong day.

2010-06-23T16:28:00.000-04:00

Most of the teachers who read this are probably on summer vacation, or darn close at this point.

Well, I am in the 'summer,' but I'm not on vacation yet. Those of you who are- this will be one of those posts that makes you go, "Ahhhhh," and cherish the fact that you're reading this from a beach chair out in the sun or whatever.

I have a blessedly small class of 7 children for summer school, and 1 was absent today. Six kids- easy day, right?

Not when one of your students forgets to take her medicine. I understand that it happens, especially when the responsibility for taking it lies completely in the hands of an 8-year-old, but this is not a child for whom medicine just kind of helps.

Most days, the early morning is rough until about 9:30, when suddenly she is much more relaxed and her demeanor softens. Some days, it feels like a different student is in the classroom at 10:00. She is extremely bright and pleasant. She works hard and generally listens to direction. Her work is neat and precise, because she wants to do well and loves to please her teachers.

I take special care to give her extra attention and responsibilites in the morning, and while it's not always easy, we usually make it to 9:30 and then the day improves drastically. It is believed that this is when her medicine kicks in, and I think it truly makes it easier for her to behave.

Well, today 9:30 never seemed to come. Her erratic behavior continued, then escalated. By the afternoon, she was singing in the hallway, flipping her body over her desk to do a headstand, buzzing her lips like she was playing a brass instrument, and throwing her belongings around the room. At one point, I called her mom and she claimed she was leaving. Walked right out the door. I let her spend a few minutes working in the back of another classroom, but as soon as she came back in ours, she was off the walls again and threw a ball of paper at another student. After whining and crying on the floor (her, not me, though I considered it), I escorted her to the office. On the way, she tried to run away. By the end of the day, we'd tried positive motivation and praise, a private teacher-student talk, time-out, discipline writing, calling home, removal from the room, a write-up, and going to the office. I'm not even sure what else was left.

Late in the day, I found out the probable culprit- no medicine today.

I don't advocate medicine in most cases. A lot of the time, it's better for students to be taught skills that help them learn to use a disorder like ADHD as an advantage (and handle when it's not). There are a few students, though, who are truly missing out on vital learning because of a disorder that is out of control. These students need some sort of treatment, whether it be medicine or diet or therapy of some kind.

This is a student who refuses to do work, consistently makes noise to purposely distract everyone else, climbs or crawls on anything in the room, and sticks things in her mouth like a toddler. But given treatment, she is a model student who always volunteers an answer because she loves learning.

Yes, her medicine makes my job a billion times easier. Yes, her medicine makes the classroom a much better learning environment for the other students. But that's not why I believe it is good for her right now.

I believe that the medicine is good for her because it allows HER to do her job at all. Without it, she would hardly spend time in a classroom, much less learn anything while she was there. She might be a social outcast. She might hate math, because it is so hard for her. She might never get a chance to feel smart. She might never learn the social behaviors expected of her in the real world. She would get behind in school, for sure.

There are downsides to medicating, too. I think some of the effect of this girl's medicine is placebo. She has her medicine, so she believes she can behave and she does. When she doesn't have her medicine, it's harder to behave and she doesn't believe she can do it, so she doesn't. It's sad that she believes the medicine is what makes her good.

I don't know if she'll need this medicine forever, but I do know that if I only saw her on days like the first day of school and today, it would be a pity. She is not an exhausting or frustrating child- she is sweet and lovable- and I'm glad that her medicine allows that personality to come out, and allows her to learn so much.

Anyway... time to go home, relax, and pretend I'm on summer vacation for a few hours. It was a loooong day.

20/20

2010-06-16T22:00:00.001-04:00

The relationship between education and politics is like the blind leading those with excellent vision.

I have seen no one sum it up better than in this quote by "Ms. Understood," although the rants of so many teachers on my bloglist, especially the epic ones of Mrs. Mimi, make me want to start a slow clap sometimes. It's amazing to me that so many teachers across the entire country have the same opinions and complaints and worries- and yet, somehow, no one asks the teachers what to do.

People want to believe that teachers are the problem. People want to believe that teaching methodologies must be wrong. People want to believe that teachers don't know what needs to be done.

Here's what I see: teachers who want the best for kids but often can't provide it because of a lack of resources, strict sanctions on how we spend our time, and a litany of responsibilities besides teaching. While I certainly agree there are some bad teachers, the overwhelming majority contributes significant amounts of their time, energy, and money to a classroom. But, although it breaks our hearts, we can't do it all for every child.

So people assume that teachers don't know what students need, even though we generally spend at least 30 hours a week with our students. Instead, let's ask politicians or economists or businesspeople or other "experts" who are no doubt incredible in their field but may not have set foot in an elementary school since they were 10. And they've never even met my students!

Before people get upset, I recognize that statisticians and CEO's can have some great ideas for education. I don't have a problem with involving those people in our brainstorming sessions and think-tanks. My problem is that, often, teachers aren't invited.

Just include us too! That's all I ask.

To all you who want to make sweeping prophecies about school solutions:

Go to schools that are working, and figure out why by asking the teachers what makes them able to be better teachers and what they see making the biggest difference for students.
Talk directly to teachers, not just unions, to discuss reforms. Not all of us agree with the unions completely. I know quite a few teachers in the major union here who are in it for the support and liability just in case- but don't agree with all of their actions.
Spend a day or two with a highly qualified teacher in a generally low-performing school to see what the challenges are even when someone is succeeding, and brainstorm with those teachers for solutions.
Substitute teach, and try it yourself. And not just in the suburbs or charter schools.
Spend days in classrooms of highly effective teachers in all kinds of schools with all sorts of styles, considering your plan. Would your plan strip these teachers of the very strategies and personality that make their lessons successful?
If you think that a common curriculum and required lesson plans are the answer, give at least 5 teachers the same lesson plan and observe the success of that lesson.
Visit charter schools and public schools and private schools, but not just the famous and infamous. There are great and poor examples of each type.
Try your plan in a small sample, such as a single school or corporation, before suggesting it to states and the country as a surefire solution to education.

I am in agreement with some of the things in education right now. I do believe that ineffective teachers should be fired with more ease than is currently possible. I agree that many schools are not working and need significant change of some kind. I think it is unfair for states to have unequal standards. I believe that social promotion can go overboard. I agree that data can be used in a way to drive success for a school and also to discover when a student needs extra intervention.

I do not agree, though, with the current pattern of everyone but those who spend each day in a school deciding how to go about those issues and then drafting policy that we will have to follow. This doesn't happen in any other business.

As Mrs. Mimi put here,

Hess says that so many other organizations have accepted cut backs and laid off people due to our current economic distress. And he's right, a lot of people have lost their jobs...people in my family and probably in yours too. BUT (and there's always a but with me, isn't there), those people weren't blamed for the downfall of their business, portrayed as lazy by the media and villainized by the general public. They were just quietly let go. Why is this guy acting like what is happening to teachers is the same thing?

Teachers are not perfect, but we are being almost universally blamed for failing schools by people who don't spend 7 hours a day in them. It's like me trying to tell BP how to fix the oil spill. The fact that I have used gasoline before doesn't make me an oil expert, just as attending schools doesn't make someone an education expert.

Ask the people that have spent 4 years in school studying to become a teacher, required hours of professional development to remain a teacher, and countless hours of experience becoming a better teacher. Those are the experts.

Using Computers for Differentiation

2010-06-14T15:57:00.000-04:00

I have worked with Renaissance Learning's Accelerated Math program before, and I have to say I like it much better than its reading counterpart.

Accelerated Reading is meant to differentiate reading by giving students points for reading books "at their level" and then taking quizzes on them. Time and time again, I see students frustrated by the lack of choice in their books, or motivated only by the prospect of points. Sometimes, these students seem to discover more things they enjoy reading- but usually, they just want to Silly String the principal at the end of the year. The program seems, to me, to actively kill a love for reading and make quiz scores the reason for reading. I can appreciate that it levels students and promotes choosing books at instructional level, but I firmly believe that a student who learns to enjoy reading for intrinsic rewards will become a better reader than one who is in it "for the points."

Accelerated Math, though, is a little different. It would not work as your entire math program, at least not without constant small group lessons, but I think it works as a nice supplement, and here's why:

Annie's class has just finished learning about fractions, but she hasn't quite gotten it yet. Unfortunately, the class mostly got it and is moving on to learning about telling time. Annie's math learning and math practice will focus mostly on telling time, and she won't really spend time on fractions anymore, meaning that she probably won't learn the skills she needs.

With Accelerated Math as a supplement, Annie's teacher could assign her the objectives she needs to still work on, such as fractions. Accelerated Math will then print an individualized practice page for Annie based on what she needs to work on. Her answers are scored on a ScanTron style sheet and scored through a little scanner right here in our room so that the computer program can determine if Annie has done well enough to take a test, or if she needs more practice. The teacher also gets a report of how all students are doing, so that any students who need extra help can be worked with in small groups for re-teaching while everyone else works on practicing skills.

I find it works very well for reviewing through the year, too, so that a student doesn't forget information by the end of the year. You can also include standards above grade level for benchmark students' enrichment.

The options for differentiated math practice are great, and my students last year found the scanning process extremely motivating. There are challenges, though; for 2nd graders, transferring your answer to a score sheet without any mistakes takes a lot of practice. Students also need one scanning sheet for Practice pages and one scanning sheet for Tests, which can get confusing. Some students will rush through the pages to get to the scanning part. Finally, it takes a ton of paper (and time) to constantly print out the practice pages needed for each individual.

This is the first time I will be running Accelerated Math 'on my own,' so I'll try to let you know how it goes this summer. It's a bit of a complicated process, but I'm hoping I'll be able to match each student with what they truly need to practice the most!

P.S.- Accelerated Math's reviews have been mixed, and I think success probably depends on how it is used.
P.P.S.- If you have Accelerated Math but have trouble figuring out how to use it, this may be a helpful resource.

"Something smells funny..."

2010-06-07T19:45:00.000-04:00

Today the kids in my class were making a model of groundwater. They actually sparked the idea- I wasn't planning to do it- but they asked why there was clay in the ground. To them, clay is something you play with- not something you'd dig up underground.

I realized I had some clay leftover from our sink/float exercise, so I pressed it into the middle of a clear plastic cup, and then poured water on the top so they could see what happened. They kept asking questions, and- well, I realized that we had almost all of the materials to make a model of the underground layers and aquifers. So the students read the book an extra time and used the pictures to make a plan of their model. After they built it, I tried to "pollute" it with some water and food coloring, but the aquifers stayed pretty clean.

While we were building, one of the kids commented that something smelled funny. I explained that it was probably the soil I'd picked up from the store. "No," they told me, "I think it's the clay." One boy sniffed it and told me, "It smells like something... not school" and I didn't know what he meant until the next boy said, "It smells like," (in a whisper) "weed."

Wonderful. Glad to know our 8 year old kids recognize the smell of marijuana.

Anyway, I seem to have more teaching followers lately. I'm not great at every aspect of teaching, but I ROCKED the science lessons for the Water unit this summer. It's about a week's worth of awesome, thanks in large part to a Project WET workshop I attended, and if anyone's interested, I'll share. All of the lessons were pretty easy to implement, very hands-on, lasted 30 minutes or less, and while they might have cost a little at first- most of the materials could be used again from year to year.

A highlight I'm definitely interested in sharing is an experiment in mixing oil and water, and then tying it to the recent oil disaster in the Gulf. Let me know if you'd like me to post it!

My Own Class... Yay? part 2

2010-05-29T11:20:00.000-04:00

On the second day of school, this girl was the first one there. I greeted her enthusiastically at the door and encouraged her to put her things away and get started on her morning work.

She sat down, and was a little talkative, but otherwise fine. When it was time to go over morning work, I made sure to call her up early and often. Keeping her involved seemed to really help, but she also came over to me a few minutes later.

"Did you notice? I'm trying really hard to be good." And I gushed about how much I had noticed her effort, and she smiled.

About an hour later, the secretary called down. She had to go to a doctors' appointment. She was gone the rest of the day.

But on the third day of classes, she came back. The morning started out rough, and I nearly called her mom again (as this seems to be the only consequence that really motivates her). She finally let me talk with her, though, and she told me she had a rough morning. I told her I didn't want to make it even rougher by calling home or sending her to the office, but I needed her help for that to happen. I told her I wanted to call her mom or send a note at the end of the day telling her mom what a wonderful job she had done today. She liked that. After we talked for a few minutes, she went back to her seat a little subdued.

Her former teacher had told me that she usually has more trouble before her medicine kicks in, about an hour into the morning. And that may be true, because it did seem like after a point, she wasn't struggling so much to behave, and honestly, just to be in a good mood. I don't know how much of that is the medicine, and how much of that was distancing herself from a rough morning at home, but it did seem like the day improved.

I think she still misses her teacher from the school year, and it's hard because we are in the same classroom. But by the third afternoon, she wrote "I love Miss _______" (me) on the back of one of her papers, and handed it to me proudly.

From making me miserable to saying she loves me in less than three days... well, I think we're making progress! :)

My Own Class... Yay? part 1

2010-05-28T21:13:00.000-04:00

I started summer school a few days ago. It was my first time having "my" class, even though it's only the most at-risk kids and my class is only 7 kids.

The first day was awful. One girl missed the teacher she'd had all year, and was hell-bent on making me miserable.

She spent the entire day running around the room. She climbed on chairs. She ate Kleenex and paper towels. She drooled all over the floor and her test. She picked things up off of my desk. She opened the drawer of another teacher's desk. She sang loudly from time-out. She ran around the room when I tried to come towards her. She refused to go to the office. She ran out of the room to "stop" a boy who was taking a note to the principal about her. She crawled inside a cabinet. She drove her desk around the room like a car. She crawled on the floor and took off her shoes. She claimed her ear hurt, but after the nurse saw no sign of redness or infection it hurt so bad that she bawled for 45 minutes and wailed, "I want my mommy" for 15. I took her to the office once and called her mom twice.

On the first day.

It's tough, because you want the kids to like you, and yet- you can't let someone walk all over you on the first day. I tried my best to be kind, and talk to her quietly and individually. I tried to raise my voice. I tried to reinforce positive behavior. I tried to enforce consequences. And yet... the whole first day, I chased her around.

I was exhausted. I felt like we didn't get anything done. I wasn't sure what I could've done differently, but her mom had told me that she gets very attached to her teachers and I clung to hope that this was mostly symptoms of a rough transition from one teacher to another (on the very next day, no less).

To Be Continued...

Not Toyota

2010-05-26T23:18:00.000-04:00

Well, I found out about next year.

(As a reminder, my school has used stimulus funding to add an assistant to each classroom. In some cases, these assistants are certified teachers as well- and that's the position I was in this year.)

When I talked with the principal, he sounded like he definitely wanted to move me to a different room for a different experience. I think, based on my evaluations this year, he wants to see if my discipline is better with a different lead teacher. That's fair; I know it wasn't a strength this year even though I didn't have much control over the system.

There are 4 regular classroom openings yet to be filled, but despite that- I'm in an assistant position again for next year. I'll be in first grade with a teacher that is TBA.

It's tough. The openings are there, but my principal just doesn't trust me enough to give me my own classroom yet. My preference was 2nd or 3rd grade, but I'm in 1st. I have to stay in the assistant position but not stay with my current lead teacher, who I work with well and who I know will let me teach.

I understand that he wants me to have a different learning opportunity, but I can't even tell myself, "He specifically put me with this teacher to make me better." Right now, he hasn't put me with any teacher.

I have a job, and I know that in the world of education right now (and especially our state), that alone is an incredible blessing. But although I try to be optimistic, it's frustrating at times to be stuck as a half-teacher. I am certified. I am licensed. And I think, given the chance, I can do this.

But I think I've lost more confidence this year than I've gained. I thought my discipline was fine during student teaching, but this class and group were entirely different. Honestly, after talking with the principal, I expected to be an assistant again- but it still makes me feel like I'm starting over and, after an entire year, I'm not moving forward.

Anxious.

2010-05-23T21:19:00.000-04:00

It's almost the end of my first year as a real teacher.

I can't believe it. Two more days and I'm officially done with my first year. It's had ups and downs for sure, but it's almost over. I still feel like it's hard to call this my real "first year," because it's not my first year with my own classroom. Teachers' first years are supposed to be crazy stressful, right?

Sometime in the upcoming two days, I should find out where I'll be placed for next year. I'm honestly a little pessimistic, but I am looking forward to knowing, one way or another.

Thinking in Pictures

2010-05-10T08:48:00.001-04:00

When I was still in college, I had the pleasure of having Temple Grandin come talk to one of my classes (in BRNG 2280, for those of you at Purdue; it was a relatively small class, too!). Throughout the semester, we had discussed special needs but my professor had put a special focus on autism by having us read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (which I highly recommend).

Temple Grandin has Asperger's Syndrome, or high-performing autism. Her descriptions of how she thinks differently are so valuable, especially to teachers, because they make you think about how you will adapt to the kids who think in these different ways. They're also just plain interesting for anyone, I think. This kind of 'syndrome' is really the way a lot of people are wired, at least somewhat (as it is considered a 'spectrum'). I know a lot of the traits described here are things that my mom would simply call "being an engineer." :)

Hope you enjoy, and manage not to get sucked into TEDtalks too much. They are almost too great- they make it hard to do anything else once I get started watching!

Mother's Day as a Teacher

2010-05-09T08:10:00.000-04:00

This week my class made coffee filter flowers and a book of "Ten Reasons I Love My Mom."

Most kids wrote, of course, for their mom, but we made it clear that Mother's Day can celebrate any important woman in your life. It could be your grandma, your aunt, your babysitter, your stepmom... anyone who helped you and you wanted to appreciate.

One boy in my class couldn't think of anyone. He never met his mom, and he rarely spends time with his grandma. Finally, he decided who he would write about and got to work, writing his neatest and coloring carefully.

And that's how I ended up with a book of reasons he loves me.

It's amazing to think that I am the closest person in his life to a "mom."

Teacher Gifts and Talents

2010-05-08T22:05:00.003-04:00

There's a meme going around about "super teacher talents." They're not usually the kinds of things you'd put on a resume, but they are the kinds of day-to-day things you learn. After seeing at least 3 of the blogs I read do it, I couldn't help but try it out.

Some teacher talents I have:

- When I try- neat handwriting, even when digitized on the SmartBoard (probably has something to do with being Zaner-Bloser certified)
- Going at least 8 hours without using the restroom (yes, it's probably unhealthy, but it does come in handy)
- Ability to come up with terrifically awesome lessons that are worth the extensive planning they require, but usually only the night before when it's already late
- Predicting when a student is trying to do something in their desk without me noticing
- Speaking in bad accents when necessary to get the class's attention
- Great at surreptisiously checking to see if that thing-in-her-hair is lice while making her think I'm listening to what she has to say
- Resisting the urge to cringe when that student leans over for a huge hug
- Not being afraid to wear goofy things to school like 'footie' pajamas for a kids' reward
- Knowing just enough about Pokemon to impress them
- Making science sound exciting without making it seem like 'magic'
- Explaining some very basic stoichiometry to high schoolers in a way that helps any of them understand it (as I hate chemistry and found it very difficult, I'm pretty proud of this one)
- Patience to repeat the same phrases and instructions over and over again
- Making any phrase musical or rhythmic, especially for the kindergartners
- Easily filling an extra 5-10 minutes at any given moment
- Can give a kid a fluency test while keeping an eye out for drawing at one station, checking that kids aren't playing games that aren't allowed at the computer station, and listening in on a conversation that's about to become an argument in another group
- Can work a basic copier in record time
- Able to translate primary kids' writing into real words with vowels and everything!
- Telling whether a student actually 'needs' to go to the bathroom or just wants me to think so
- Telling whether a student really feels like s/he needs to throw up or just wants me to think so
- Can use a ridiculous amount of Post-Its
- Ability to avoid the older boys' straight-on hugs where their heads "coincidentally" hit chest height
- Simplifying the science terminology of a crazy-smart Ph.D so that high school students and sometimes even elementary students can understand the basic concepts he talks about
- Distinguishing the handwriting of each individual student when there's a no-name paper
- Good accuracy of pricing 'store' items based on estimated demand
- Noticing new haircuts, clothes, jewelry, and school supplies
- Ability to ride unexpected waves of learning and end up somewhere we never expected
- Acting like every thing a child tells me is the most interesting thing I have heard in my life

There are plenty of teacher talents I am still working on, but I think I'm picking up a lot already.

Back to Normal's Bittersweet

2010-05-07T18:03:00.000-04:00

My week was interesting. I normally teach with a 'lead teacher,' so we trade off between planning/ grading, teaching the whole class, and teaching small groups. I very rarely teach the full class all day except when she's absent.

This week she went on a trip with family and was gone for 3 days. Originally, we were booked to have the school's 'permanent sub' all 3 days, and she is so excellent about wanting to do everything she can to help all day. She is bored without enough to do. Melanie left a list for her- kids to pull out for fluency every day, a new bulletin board to do, and sorting through some books from the library. I saved some grading from over the weekend for her.

And on Monday morning, our school was hit with a crazy number of absences. The permanent sub was needed in a kindergarten classroom where both 'regular' teachers were going to be gone, and instead I ended up with an older man who basically sat back and watched me teach all day. At one point when I was lecturing them, he spoke up for a couple of sentences. Other than that, he sat in a chair and didn't even go with me to pick up the kids or take them on restroom breaks. When I did have a rare bit of prep time in our busy no-special day, he wanted to chat. He never once asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Tuesday, the (amazing, couldn't-live-without-her) secretary called down a few minutes before the school day started, saying "Please don't kill me!" Turns out, I was not only without the expected sub- but without one at all.

Not a big deal, except for our two small groups. Oh, and the time when normally I teach a small group in another grade but can't leave the second graders alone. But the other small group teachers were fantastic about adjusting or covering for me, so it worked.

I didn't have a sub on the next day, either, which by that point I kind of expected. And honestly, it's kind of pointless to have a sub. One guy who came to sub at our school this week seriously brought a book and, when handed the plans, was surprised and said, "Oh! Normally when I come here there's another teacher who does most of the teaching." (Annnd now we know why he takes jobs at our school.)

Anyway- in my three-day stint as a teacher solely leading the classroom, the days were varied. Monday was such a bad day that my description to my fiance was "shitfest." The class was just awful overall, and I ended up writing 3 parent notifications as well as handing out 7 "Think Sheets" (in a class of 17).

Tuesday was better, though, and by Wednesday I kind of got in a groove. I felt like the teaching was solid- we got things done, we tried a new seating chart, we followed some teachable moments, the behavior was much better, we did some higher-level thinking, we talked about some life skills like working in teams, and I managed to engineer a good fractions idea that took me all of 5 minutes to plan for. Even better- I didn't have to get to school crazy early or run around frantically to make it happen.

It was a temporary thing, of course. Thursday I went back to sitting at my own desk, using a student computer, checking ideas with someone else, sharing the load. It was back to normal. I get my normal lunch, I don't have to scramble to get coverage for small groups, and I left for home before 5:00... but I also feel like I was just starting to get in the swing of things and feel like maybe I could really run a classroom on my own.

I'll be leading my own classroom for 6 weeks of the summer. I'm only a few weeks away at this point, and I'm still nervous- but I think I'm a little more excited now.

2, 4, 6, 8...

2010-05-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

Wednesday was my first Teacher Appreciation Day as a real teacher.

The principal mentioned it on the announcements, and right after them one girl said "Hey teacher! I appreciate you!"

The PTA was nice enough to get us delicious pizza and salad from a local eatery, and the union put a 100 Grand candy bar in our mailboxes to show "how much we are worth."

They were nice gestures, if not grand. The best moment came from my kids, though.

Lately we have had a lot of behavior problems. I thought I'd give the students some ownership of a solution. I asked the students to each write out 3 people they wanted to sit next to and thought they could work next to. With little exception, they actually seemed to take it to heart and not just put their very best friends down.

One student, though, had an idea (completely on her own). She wanted to sit by me. And when she asked if she could put down my name, three other kids decided to put down my name, too.

I was pretty amazed. They get to choose only three people they want to sit by- and instead of choosing three friends, these kids chose to sit right by their teacher.

Yeah, I felt appreciated. :)

Here Comes the Whine

2010-05-03T20:42:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know me in real life, you may not know I'm engaged.

I'm excited to get married! And I want that to be clear.

Wedding planning, however- terrifying.

Weddings are expensive. Even though I want something simple, I'm a little scared to see how much it's all going to come out to. It doesn't help that job security in education isn't super fantastic right now for a new teacher.

Plus, weddings are complicated. It's supposed to be about you, but yet there are all these expectations. Things you are supposed to because they're tradition. People you're supposed to invite. What you should and should not say to be polite. Religious bits that I'm sure some of my family would consider required but I'm not sure I do anymore. Things my brother will not be happy with because nothing or no one is ever good enough to not be criticized.

I feel like I know a lot of girls who have been waiting for this all their lives. They have dreamed of the ball gown and tiara, the fancy hotel, and the horse and carriage. (These are mostly the same girls with similar dreams for prom.) Some have known their wedding colors for years, or had a 'wedding binder' before they were anywhere close to engaged. I've been engaged well over a year and I know next to nothing about my wedding. I'm just not that girl.For one, I'm indecisive, and for another, I know a wedding isn't the big deal to me.

I haven't been waiting for a wedding. I haven't been wishing for my princess day. A wedding will be nice, but more than that, I'm excited to get married to my fiance. And that's what matters, right?

The planning is still scary, because organization (a very necessary thing in all this) is definitely not my strength. Also, because we're actually getting somewhat close at this point. But hopefully I can enlist some help, like this teacher, to lighten the load. :)

Apple, Cherry, or Student

2010-05-02T15:17:00.004-04:00

One of the teacher blogs I read posted recently about a student who was leaving, and it hit home.

My school has a lot of transiency. Only 75% of the kids who were here at the beginning of the year are still here.

It's rough. We're considered a failing school, and we're giving the kids so much this year. The corporation has spent tons of Title I money and stimulus funding to get these kids extra help. We have a student-teacher ratio of something like 8:1 in a high-poverty school. We have an RTI specialist, a reading coach, a math coach, and a specialist to come in and help us with a restructuring process, including a curriculum and assessment calendar. We have a certified teacher or a full-time aide as an assistant in each classroom. We have added an hour of instructional time each day and an extra summer session for struggling students.

And not only have we lost 25% of the kids already, but I have 4 or 5 kids telling me they're moving over the summer. Last year almost half of our student population changed from August 2008 to August 2009.

I know that could change, but it's still somewhat disheartening. I hate seeing these kids leave. I miss them, of course- miss seeing how they're doing, miss being able to teach them, miss talking to them each day- but there's more.

I am sad that they won't be at our school anymore, because some of the kids leaving are the students who can really benefit from the extra attention and extra learning opportunities we have here. One of my students who started out reading almost two grade levels behind has made a ton of growth this year, but will be moving to a new school next year where I doubt she'll be able to get the same amount of individual and small-group time that she needs to catch up. Another student acts out, but as you get to know him you realize that there's something deeper. When asked what he did over Spring Break, he looked away and wouldn't respond. He rarely came to school clean and well-taken-care-of. I hope that a teacher with a bigger class and less resources is able to see the need behind his misbehavior.

It's also frustrating to me because I see our efforts going out the door. We have poured so much into these kids. I'm happy to help the kids, and I would do it even if I knew they'd be moving soon, but we are a school with a reputation of "failing." Our test scores are low. AYP has not been met. And there are kids that we have worked, and worked, and worked with, and they have grown incredibly.

And they're gone. While we took the test this year, many of those students weren't here anymore. Their test scores weren't here to show how much we have taught them. I'm happy they have learned, regardless, but it would be nice to see our school get credit in the public eye for the amazing strides we have made.

I'll post more about this later, but it's so disheartening to see the teachers at my school labeled as "bad" when the turnover of students is so consistent and so high.

If a sports team had to lose half of their team each year and put in players who may or may not be ready for pro level and hadn't been chosen by the team, they would never be expected to win.

But I'm not in sports. And as frustrating as transiency can be, I'm glad for the education we have given the kids in our class this year. Especially the 5 kids who have moved (out of 16 in our class). I hope they are doing okay.

cue the tears

2010-04-21T21:06:00.003-04:00

I've been making an effort to write more about teaching, mostly because I read a lot of teacher blogs and I end up inspired to write my own posts. Also, teaching is basically my entire life right now. (Yes, I know I need to fix that.)

Anyway, time for just a 'me' post, inspired by a friend here. Miss Kat's blog is pretty new, but she posts about life as a cool mom that I'm sure MiniKat's friends are jealous of, and about nail polish so pretty I actually want to paint my nails (and that's saying something!).

She posted about parents, and the transition from "Mommy and Daddy" to "Mom and Dad" or "Mother and Father." It made me think of my 5th grade year.

I had just started to try out "Mom" and "Dad." I think the switch was a matter of independence. I was almost in middle school, and apparently too 'grown up' to still be calling my parents by babyish names like Mommy and Daddy. I didn't want to sound like a little kid, dependent on my parents. "Dad" wasn't consistent yet, but it had definitely started.

Most of you probably know that my dad died at the end of that school year. I can't quite describe it, but it makes me sad and a little guilty that I didn't always call him "Daddy."

I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I guess I realized that little kids aren't just 'dependent.' Especially now that I'm a teacher, I see that little kids love so strongly. Terms of endearment and hugs are frequent, but they are usually genuine. Their affection is just unabashed because they don't care about what other people think, or how it might appear.

Honestly, by fifth grade, I thought that kind of little kid love was kind of embarrassing. I was sure that I was too old for that kind of thing. (Like most 11-year-olds, I think.)

But now that he's gone, I regret not taking advantage of every single opportunity to say "Daddy." I don't care if it was natural and normal to distance myself from my parents; I regret ever wanting any distance between us. I know I would have liked having a different relationship with him when I was older, too, but I never got to. All I ever got to have was the "Daddy's Little Girl" stage, and it kills me that even any little part of me wanted to give that up.

A name may be a little thing, but it feels like it represents a lot more. It's hard to explain, but I wish I would have always used "Daddy," and never given up the chance to love him with the reckless abandon of a little girl.

My Turn to Tattle

2010-04-20T06:40:00.000-04:00

I have recently gotten really into reading other teacher blogs. It's amazing to me to see how similar things are in so many areas of the country right now. Teachers are struggling with the same things.

I recently read in The Elementary Educator:

As No Child Left Behind’s magical year of 2014 draws near, where an impossible 100% of students must be proficient in math and reading in every school throughout the United States, states continue to redefine “proficiency,” reducing the cut scores needed to pass the state tests to astoundingly low levels.

In Michigan, for example, third graders who answered 19 out of 45 questions correctly on the math section of the MEAP (our state standardized test) were labeled “proficient.” 19 out of 45 is approximately 42%, which already sounds pathetic, but it gets worse: this test was multiple choice. Not only that, but there were only three answer choices per question!

Let’s analyze that for a moment: third grade students in Michigan who knew the right answers to 6 of the 45 math questions, then guessed with average success on the remaining 39 questions (getting 13/39 correct), are labeled proficient. Not only that, but third graders are tested in the fall of third grade, and the test only covers material from the previous grade. So third graders who understood a mere 13.3% of what was taught in second grade and had average luck when guessing on the other 86.7% of the questions are considered proficient by the State of Michigan.

Isn't it astounding?

I knew this kind of thing was happening, but someone putting it all out like that, into numbers, makes me cringe. This is what the national government is encouraging. THIS is the impact of No Child Left Behind.

NCLB is good in some ways. It encourages accountability, and forces schools to look not only at the big picture, but also at important subgroups to make sure that there aren't gaps in the education they provide.

I get frustrated, though, sitting in a "failing" school. It is not fair for the national government's policy to treat us differently than other schools with our levels of success just because our state has refused to drop standards.

Our standards are considered some of the most rigorous in the country, and our standardized test is certainly not passed by 97-100% of students, like the Michigan test.

Let me be clear: I am glad the state of Indiana is holding itself to high standards even though No Child Left Behind in its current state doesn't mandate it. It is frustrating to me, however, that we are facing sanctions that other schools don't face, even if their students are at the same levels as ours.

I strongly support President Obama and Arne Duncan when they say that every state should have standards and tests with similar rigor. I don't believe that National Standards or a National Test are necessarily the way to do that, but I do believe that someone at the national level needs to be looking at each state's standards and tests to determine if they are truly measuring proficiency.

The Classroom Bench

2010-04-19T07:00:00.001-04:00

I'm a huge football fan, and I have apparently been reading way too many education blogs this morning.

I read an article describing how much better quarterbacks were in the NFL when they sat on the bench for a year or more before starting. Basically, even if a quarterback had a higher draft pick, and therefore a higher perceived potential, they had significantly better results if they had some time to learn the ways of the NFL behind an experienced quarterback.

And some of the first-round picks who also waited, like Aaron Rodgers and Carson Palmer, have been downright exceptional.

"Since 2000, nine first-round picks started within their teams' first three games. Only Matt Ryan and Ben Roethelisberger have a positive TD/INT ratio in their career."

My conclusion from all this? In what is arguably the most important and influential of positions on an NFL team, only very few can succeed without additional training- even amongst those considered to be the most talented.

I think teaching is similar.

My college of education had a major focus on spending time in schools. From the first semester of education courses (which was generally taken spring of freshman year or fall of sophomore year), future teachers spend at least a short amount of time in a school.

Student teaching (15 weeks in the same classroom, for teaching independently for at least a few weeks) was obviously the biggest learning opportunity, but we had a semester where we spent two days a week in a school, learning from our professors and then visiting the same classroom. We also spent a semester tutoring two students in reading each week.

By the time I graduated, I had spent time in at least 4 different classrooms through the required program alone.

I found a stimulus-funded job in a school with low test scores. As an effort to give students an extra boost, the school was adding a second person in each classroom. For six classrooms, that person is also a certified teacher.

I am considered an assistant teacher. I'm certified, and treated as such, but my lead teacher is overall in charge. I'm lucky that Mrs. M is so great to work with. She treats me as an equal co-teacher whenever possible, and works with me to plan and teach. The situation feels, honestly, kind of like an apprenticeship- and it allows both of us to work in more small groups, keep the students paying attention, and share some of the load of a classroom.

I am lucky to start this way. I am thankful that my first year of teaching does not involve me staying at school until 8:00 at night. I am thankful that I'm getting a chance to sort of ease into the profession, while still learning and collecting materials and ideas from another teacher.

Yes, it sucks sometimes to be "sitting the bench." I didn't get to set up my own classroom, I don't get to change the classroom management system the way I want, and I am sometimes excluded from meetings I'd like to be a part of, but I can see how much easier it will be when I have my own room. I am learning so much.

Student teaching is meant to be like this, and it does help immensely. But I wish more schools had the money to hire teachers in this kind of position even after their student teaching. Not only have the students thrived with so much individual attention, but I think I will be a better teacher in my true "first year" because of my time on the sidelines.

Tire Screech

2010-04-18T09:55:00.002-04:00

So, Chris and I connected! Things were happy! All was well!

The next day we had a field trip. It was only a couple of blocks away, so we decided to walk rather than use our dwindling bus hours. Many of our students walk to school anyway.

We walked down with no issue. On the way back, though, we were within sight of the school when Chris suddenly ran out into the road for no reason. With cars coming.

I was in front of him and didn't see it happen, but my co-teacher let out a yell and he jumped out of the road. Thankfully, the cars were able to stop (and not hit each other either), but it was much too close for comfort.

Mrs. M latched onto his arm for the rest of the walk (only a couple of minutes) and took him straight into the office. He never was able to offer an explanation for why he did it. He did admit that, as an eight-year-old who walks to and from school every day, he knows he shouldn't have done it.

So, note to self: baby steps.

Also, props to Mrs. M- who may have freaked out, but still managed to not curse in front of her students. Even though it was close. :)

Happy Day

2010-04-17T17:45:00.003-04:00

Little Chris and I have struggled to form a bond, but earlier this week, things were different.

After a professional development meeting on "dealing with difficult behavior issues"- ironically enough- I went back to the room to find Chris not doing his work.

This is common, but I gently encouraged him a couple of times, and then finally squatted down next to his desk to help him get started. I tried to get him to "race" me and see who could find a certain word first on his desk, or let him say the answer verbally while I moved the pieces into place. I joked with him, I put the pieces in front of his face and made goofy faces. He laughed a little, and eventually even got working on his own. After much intensive, one-on-one encouragement, he finished the cut-and-paste project independently.

After that, he refused to get started on the next paper (which he should have started probably an hour prior). I was a little frustrated, because I felt that I'd worked hard for probably at least thirty minutes just to convince him to do one of the things he should have been doing anyway, and then someone said something that made him upset. I talked to him for a couple of minutes, but he seemed to still be a little on edge when we split into our small reading groups.

He came back after the reading group with a principal escort. Apparently he had to be written up in his small group. I was disappointed; I had felt accomplished that I'd put this off for as long as I had. Chris rarely does his work and frequently gets upset when we confront him about it. This morning of us working together, me convincing him to work without him breaking down- it was a victory! It was a step toward our goal, and it seemed partly canceled out by his discipline referral.

In the afternoon, we started again. I was determined to build on the good parts of the morning. We took a spelling pre-test, and he decided to lay on the floor, refusing to get up and try the words. Both teachers talked to him gently, and encouraged him to get up and do his best. My co-teacher eventually asked if we needed to call his mother, which usually helps motivate him, and he got into his seat. The students know our policy is not to repeat words during the test, and when no one would repeat the first two words for Chris at that moment, he threw his pencil across the room. I picked up another pencil and came up behind him. I offered the pencil and told him to try the third word. He was bewildered (because he thought I had gotten the same pencil he threw so quickly), but took the pencil and got started.

After the test, we were sitting down for some standardized testing. I knew there was no way that Chris- although he seemed calmer- was in a state to do his best on the test. While my co-teacher got the students ready to start, I asked Chris to go in the hallway with me.

He thought he was in trouble at first, but I told him I just wanted to talk. I asked him about the test, and as it turns out, he didn't realize it was the pre-test. He was frustrated that he hadn't studied enough and didn't know how to spell the words right. Once I told him it was just the practice test, he seemed so relieved. He started to smile.

I told him that I was so proud of how hard he'd worked that morning on the contraction cut-and-paste, and asked him if we could make a deal. If he worked really hard to follow directions and do his work the rest of the afternoon, I'd give him two pieces of candy.

He went back in and did great on the test, even when I asked him to make his handwriting a little neater. In my math small group, he started to play around until I reminded him of our deal. He said, "Oh! I forgot!" and instantly sat up to get started. I praised him probably ten times that afternoon when he did things well. At the end of the day, he came up to me excitedly. "Did I do it?"

He did. And I could tell he was proud, especially because he didn't have his medicine that day. I gave him the candy, and he happily bounced into line.

It was one day, but it was progress! An otherwise rough day felt positive- and all because, for the first time, I really felt like I connected with this kid.

Connecting...

2010-04-14T20:53:00.003-04:00

A boy in our class who I'll call Chris has a label and a file. In general, he fits in with other students in the class, but occasionally, he gets very upset over something and shuts down.

One day, my prompting for him to get working on morning work and my asking if he needed my help to get started led to him growling at me and crawling under his desk. I let him cool off and my co-teacher (who sometimes reads my mind before I say a thing) went to get the counselor. She returned a few minutes later, saying the counselor was on her way.

But he wasn't done. I encouraged him to fix his morning work as we went through it together, and he crawled out from under his desk but began stabbing his arm with his pencil and scratching his face with his fingernails. I took away a pair of scissors and his pencil, and kept watching the door for the counselor, but I wasn't sure what else to do.

A different day, he was sitting with us at the rocking chair, and in the middle of my reading, with no obvious trigger, Chris walked over and positioned himself underneath his desk. He seems to feel safe there, but I haven't yet figured out exactly what causes this sometimes-behavior.

In general, he is not disruptive; however, he frequently chooses to do no work whatsoever. He doesn't feel like it, and will throw a fit to avoid doing his work. I worry that while he does have an emotional condition, he has realized how to use it to take advantage of his teachers.

Today, I worked with him a lot. It was the first day since he moved here that I feel like I've had a connection with this kid for longer than 5 minutes. It's exciting, and I know I shouldn't expect too much tomorrow, but I'm still hopeful!

P.S.- Hopefully tomorrow I'll get a chance to post more details :)

The Simple Things

2010-03-17T21:22:00.004-04:00

I'm exhausted.

I don't know if it's the pre-Spring Break timeframe, or what- but our kids have been just crazy lately. I have generally been of the opinion that repeated behavior problems mean that you (the teacher) need to do something differently. We've been having repeated issues since at least December.

So- Mrs. M and I tried to start a classroom mini-economy, where students could earn coins for doing the right thing. Initially, we wanted to keep it all positive. Later, we added fines to the mix.

This seemed to motivate students for a couple of weeks at the most, although they still really enjoy shopping at the store. Later, a student stole from another's bank. I think at this point we are mostly keeping it going because it's a good continual review of counting money.

We were already doing "team points," where students could earn points for their team. At the end of the week, the team with the most points won some kind of small prize (candy, pop, or a snack we bought). The same teams tend to win repeatedly, and the same few who can't behave tend to spoil it (when together, alone, or separated into groups). Now, teams can't shop in the store on Fridays if they don't have at least ten points.

The school-wide system is to use tickets for good behavior. We haven't done well with these, but we started to give away a ticket for every student left on green at the end of the day. We included a money bonus for days on green.

Our last attempt of change has been to add "free recess" on Friday. This is partly for our own sanity, as we have a very active group. However, we put the letters to "free recess" on the board and they can have letters taken away or they can earn them back.

This week, we have started to time when we have to wait for students to be ready to learn, and we are taking that away from recess. (This has been a particularly rough couple of days. We really don't like taking away recess, usually.)

I think part of our problem is that we have so MANY things going on. For misbehavior, students can be asked to move their circle. (If they move down twice, they have to take home a Think Sheet to be filled out and signed.) They could also lose a team point, lose a letter towards recess, lose recess time, or be fined. For behaving well, students can gain team points, gain money, earn back a letter, earn back some lost recess time, or get a ticket.

It is a lot. Sometimes I think simplicity would be better. But it sticks out in my mind that we have focused on each of these single strategies for a week or two, and none of them have shown many results.

Consistency is key, and I realize that. I realize that the combination of individual, small group, and whole class consequences could lead to a lot of inconsistency. I'm just not sure how to fix it, other than to enforce our consequences. We are also starting two students on individualized behavior plans. I think if these two improve their behavior, many of the other students' will follow. I'm hopeful, but I'm still tired.

Today we had problems with students not falling out of their seats to make others laugh. We are so tired of having to enforce consequences for the simplest things, like sitting. We are so tired of having students repeat the rules to us, or having to ask them to show us the right way, having to practice procedures repeatedly, or needing to state our expectations repeatedly for routine tasks like lining up.

Any suggestions are more than welcome. I'm sick of coming home angry and frustrated (and my fiance probably is, too). If my lead teacher and I can't get this figured out together, I don't know how I'm eventually going to deal with this kind of thing as the sole teacher in my own room.

I just want a day where we can teach. And I'm not sure what I need to change to get us there.

A Day in the Life...

2010-03-13T14:33:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I feel like my days never end.

If you go here, you can read about a kindergarten teacher's day. Whew- makes me tired just looking at it. By second grade, I only rarely have to deal with "accidents," although we've had a few, and we haven't gotten to go to a planetarium (I wish!). We do have two teachers in the room, but it's still a long day, especially now that our school added an extra hour to the day!

7:55- Arrive at school. Check mailbox. Turn on computer. Write date on the board (4 ways- in cursive, manuscript, abbreviated, and in just numbers). Put out sticks for students to make their lunch choice. Sharpen pencils (after retrieving some from student desks). Check my e-mail. Record where students were on the behavior chart from the day before, and then move up the circles. The other teacher got morning work done, printed, copied, cut, put on desks, and put into a SmartBoard file as well as making sure that we had everything copied for the morning and plans done for the afternoon.

8:15- Kids come in. I pay them 10 cents each for having their homework and reading book. One girl's homework is wet because her sister set her backpack down outside. I leave it out to dry. I break up the circle crowded around someone with a handful of Bakugon cards and remind students to get to work as Mrs. M takes attendance, fills out the lunch count, and fields most of the random questions we get in the morning.

8:25- The bell rings and everyone should be in their seat, working. The announcements come on. It's Friday. Lifelong guidelines. School song. Ticket draw winners for each room. Pledge of Allegiance. Moment of silence. Be safe, Be responsible, Be respectful- and go!

8:35- Go over morning work. Do Calendar.

8:55- Read Aloud by an author we get to meet next month. Mrs. M reads as I check off homework and grade homework and morning work.

9:10- Review vocabulary words using picture cards. One of the words is "precious" and 3 boys won't stop talking like Gollum from LOTR.

9:15- Vocabulary Test. File folder "offices" up, no talking. Read the test aloud.

9:20- Students lead counting by 10's, 100's, 5's, and 2's, while jumping up and down or doing some kind of exercise.

9:25- Tightly scheduled Restroom Break. Wait for another class to finish by playing the Quiet Game. The next class has to wait on us. While we're gone, Mrs. M grades the vocab quizzes and puts them in the gradebook (with amazing speed).

9:30- Spelling Test. Same rules, except with more checking for cheaters with a list inside their desk. Come up with example sentences that are not interesting enough to prompt student talking (surprisingly difficult).

9:40- Reading Comprehension Test over our weekly story in the basal reader. Read aloud the writing questions and remind for the millionth time that their sentences must have a capital, a period, and make sense. Some still forget to do that, or to put their name, or to do every page of the test. Students, for once, read quietly after finishing. This is rare.

10:10- Prefix review and game on the SmartBoard. Recite meanings of pre, re, and un. Two students see a frog on the screen and start making frog noises. I warn them to stop or I take away a letter of our "extra recess" on the board. Everyone wants to come up and touch the SmartBoard to play the game. One girl cries because she doesn't get a chance to come up (a regular occurrence). The frog noises start again. I take away a letter. Other students glare at this student. He yells at them. I explain to him that they are not happy because he did not make a good choice. He continues to argue and yell. I ask him to move a circle and ask the rest of the class to look at the board. We try a third grade game, and they are excited to prove to me that they can do it even though they are in second grade. (And they rock.)

10:30- Introduce suffixes, which we are working on next week.

10:35- Call students to the rocking chair. Count down for them to get there. Announce they need to do a "self-check" so they are sitting criss-cross-applesauce, on their pockets, with their back to the yellow wall. Read aloud the reading story for next week, stopping to ask questions and stop the talking- which doesn't leave us enough time for centers this morning. Mrs. S grades the spelling and reading tests and puts them in the gradebook.

10:55- Students go back to their seats to preview the story in their reading books. (We talk about what "preview" means because of the prefix -pre.) Some forgot their book and have to share, which somehow breeds drama. A page is torn and I tape it.

11:00- STAR Reading. Kids are split up by ability throughout the grade level, so many students leave the room. 4 kids come to my table. I gather everything a girl will need to "be the teacher" today. This is "her" chapter of the book. She has prepared. She has written a quiz. She will sit in the teacher chair and decide who earns a piece of candy at the end, and she does wonderfully. I sit in a student chair and let her lead us through the lesson I modeled. The kids crack up at me, especially if I misbehave (usually in the same way the "teacher" does). She decides I was good enough to earn a piece of candy, though, and I give her an extra special treat for being such a good teacher today.

11:30- Mrs. S does a read-aloud from our chapter book at the rocking chair. I make a list of things we need to do this afternoon during prep.

11:37- Kids get their coats and line up. The line is straight and quiet. We add a letter on the board.

11:40- We leave for lunch. I stay with them for lunch duty while Mrs. S goes to eat. I help open ketchup packets, I stop students from breaking their styrofoam trays into pieces, I salvage a piece of pizza that had milk spilled on it, I give a hug, I talk to kids, and I help direct kids away from where another teacher cleans up a spill (while yet another teacher takes the kid to the office for dropping his lunch tray intentionally and squirting the milk out after he got mad that he supposedly didn't get the lunch choice he ordered). Later, as the kids line up, I give our students a countdown to line up correctly before I take away a letter. I take away 5 minutes of recess for a boy who hit someone else in the stomach.

11:55- Even before the kids are all lined up, I leave to walk to the other end of the school, pick up my rolling cart, and go teach kindergarten STAR. When we get down there, a substitute hasn't shown up yet for a teacher who left sick. (She shouldn't have been there in the morning, but she came in for half a day so she could write plans and get things ready for the afternoon.) The substitute's group is 12 kids, and they can't be left on their own, so we cancel STAR. One girl from my group really wants to work with me, and she could use the one-on-one help, so her teacher lets me pull her out anyway. We work in the hallway because she thinks it's exciting and we practice her letter names and sounds. I quiz her. She quizzes me. She's getting really good at her letters! I stop to talk to her teacher for a minute. Her teacher tells me the girl's grandmother would like her to stay an extra year in kindergarten, which would be great for her (she's finally making some progress!). She tells me the grandmother is taking care of the girl because the mom is dating someone of a different race who doesn't like her having a white daughter. As the grandmother said, "How can you say your daughter is too white for you?" But Grandma is taking care of her, and reading with her, and practicing her letters and math- thank goodness.

12:20- I go back to the room to see a sub looking around aimlessly. Mrs. M is collaborating with the other grade-level teachers this afternoon, but is at lunch and hasn't yet put out any plans. I put away my cart, grab my lunch, and go to find Mrs. M. (She was on her way back anyway.)

12:30- I'm finally in the teachers' lounge, but there are no seats open. Once I get a chair from the other room, I can sit and eat. Ahhh.

That's just the morning, and honestly the afternoon isn't terrible (double special day!), but I figure you get the idea. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted, and when I stop to think about it, it's no wonder- and that's with two teachers.

All of you out there who make it on your own classroom... hats off, and enjoy your weekend! You deserve it :)

Oh, uh, WHAT?!

2010-02-23T19:07:00.003-05:00

I have lunch duty and I actually love it. Our lunchtime is rarely crazy, so I generally get to circulate through the cafeteria and talk to kids in a totally different way than we talk throughout the rest of the day. I've gotten to know kids that I wouldn't otherwise know.

Every once in awhile, though, you hear something that you don't expect.

Yesterday, a girl says "His dad is bad," pointing at her neighbor. She goes on to explain, "He killed a guy last night."

And he turns to her and covers his mouth with a finger to shush her. He doesn't look scared that I'll find out, but he does want this to be a "secret," or so it seems.

Now is this some made-up story a kid's telling to brag that his dad is cool? Is this some reference to a video game taken seriously? Is this exactly what it sounds like?

I have no idea at all, but I was definitely surprised and made sure to report it to our school counselor. Because it may have been completely fictional, but I would still rather tell someone than make an assumption. Sometimes these kids have to deal with knowing some pretty heavy things.

the positives

2010-02-21T17:42:00.003-05:00

I was hoping to do this at some point, but Katy has asked for people to do the opposite of her last entry. Instead of jealousies, list your blessings and the things you are thankful for- and I fully intend to take her up on it.

If my count is right, I posted 21 jealousies- so my goal is at least 22 blessings. BRING IT ON.

My apartment. It's nicer than any of my college apartments!
The students in my class. They make me laugh constantly and can be very sweet to me.
The teacher I work with. She is a great teacher, and treats me as both an equal colleague and a friend.
My job. Job searching was tough last summer, and I know many people that are struggling to find work still. I am so thankful to have any job, much less a teaching one where I can ease into full authority while in the same town as my fiance.
Because of my job- the money I have. I'm just out of college, so it doesn't seem like a lot now, but I have plenty to get by with everything I need and some beyond that.
My fiance. All around me, I've seen crazy relationships- and we are so awesomely far from that. He's sweet, takes care of me, respects me, listens to me, and makes me laugh.
My family. My mom still does whatever she can to support me, even when things haven't exactly worked out the way she planned. I'm so glad I have brothers, and a huge extended family that cares so much and has so much fun!
The many teaching blogs I read. It's amazing what I learn from them and how much they crack me up.
The pets my family has always had. When I go home, the two dogs are so excited to see me, and the cat loves to cuddle at night. Nothing makes you feel more loved than dogs greeting you at the door!
Football. Seems silly, but it's something that my fiance, family, and me all enjoy- and I get so much enjoyment out of following it and watching it, especially with people I love.
My education. I've been blessed to have so many unique experiences, especially as I grew up- everything from Space Camp to Paleontology Club to working for biology camps.
It's almost Spring. I enjoy the snow and pretty winter time, but by the time Spring gets here, I'm ready!
Spring also means my birthday! I don't care if it means I'm getting older- it's nice. PLUS I'm going to get a spread of birthday goodies at school from one of the other teachers! :)
I'm not one of those crazy wedding-obsessed girls. That not only helps with the budget, but it also helps my sanity and makes me not be a Bridezilla to the people around me. Instead of caring too much what people will think or if it lives up to my princess dreams, I get to think about what actually means something to Ryan and me, and have fun making it happen.
The Ship of Fools/ Purdue Improv Club. I met my fiance at one of their meetings, but I've also met an awesome roommate, a swing dance partner, and a generally fabulous and funny group of friends. Plus, it gives me something to do on Friday nights. Yay social life!
My other friends. I have one girlfriend who loves to be random and spontaneous as much as me. I have a girlfriend who I've known since kindergarten. I have a guy friend who sings musicals with me. Even the friends I don't see often, I love to pieces.
Dancing. Since the time I was three, it's been something I love.
Music. Every time I'm really upset, I'm amazed at the power of music to completely complement my mood.
Books. I have loved them for as long as I remember. Even in diapers I'd pick up a book and lie next to one of my parents to copy them. As a child I always had a stack of library books. Now, books for fun are a precious escape.
My photos. I don't know what I'd do without all the pictures I've taken and all the pictures that were taken of my family when I was little.
Ryan's family. Honestly, I would be grateful if they just didn't dislike me, but they're also so welcoming and fun to be around. Being with Ryan was already pretty awesome, but getting to be part of his family is an extra bonus.
My church. While my faith can waver, I cannot imagine my life without the wonderful people who went to the church I grew up in. I have so many memories of their friendship and love.
My health and the health of those I love. I know that, ultimately, my health keeps me able to do everything else.

See? I can still be positive. :) It's not that hard. There are so many good things happening in my life. Even on my moody days- deep down, I know that my life is full of things to be grateful for, and it's only fair I give them the same blog-attention as my jealousies and worries.

Jealousy Jane

2010-02-20T15:06:00.000-05:00

Bird on the Street is one of my favorite blogs. I started reading when the author was a teacher, and followed as she became a parent of a special needs child. It is absolutely captivating to read her insight and optimism, her realism and disappointments, and the successes of both her and little Charlie.

In this post, she said: "Sometimes I think it's good to get stuff off your chest--it lets you breathe. I want this blog to be about living joyfully and sometimes you have to bare your soul a little to get to the joy." After that, she went on to list some things of which she was jealous. And because I've been thinking too much the past few days, I was inspired to do the same. Yes, I've gone a little overboard.

I'm jealous of:
- Women who are confident in their bodies- who wear shorts without feeling self-conscious, who can think swimsuit shopping is ever a joyous experience, who don't have to change outfits over and over again before they decide they look passable. (Note: This is not necessarily women who are "attractive" or "ideal"- though I'm jealous of them, too- but it's women of any size or shape or looks that FEEL attractive and love their bodies no matter what.)
- My brothers, who can eat whatever they want, and three times as much of it as I would eat, and still stay on the low end of healthy weight. (My little brother has been told by the doctor that he should TRY to gain weight, and it's been a challenge. A CHALLENGE.)
- Women who may not be confident in their bodies, but do something about it- who have the motivation, the persistence, and the courage to plan and work and sacrifice to be healthy and meet a goal.
- Women who don't let their insecurities invade their relationships and friendships to the point where jealousies, frustrations, and paranoia arise.
- People for whom faith is constant and feels certain.
- Teachers with a calm, obedient classroom- who don't have to yell at students on a regular basis, who can get more teaching done than disciplining, who can still be in a good mood at the end of a day, who have the patience to deal with the everyday.
- Teachers with their own classroom. (While I love the teacher I work with and in most ways wouldn't want my own room, sometimes I wish I had ultimate authority and the chance to do it all my way.)
- Teachers who make it look easy. I know it's not- ever- but some teachers are just so talented. See also, teachers who can go into a principal evaluation without being terrified.
- Teachers with tenure, or at least more than half a year of seniority. Or anyone with job security, really.
- People with dogs and cats. Can't tell you how much I miss having one when I come home.
- Women with a true girl best friend- who run to one person with any big news, who can talk about boys without a second thought, who they don't have to share with anyone else, who they can regularly spend lots of time with, and who have someone that knows them almost better than they know themselves. It's even better when you know that you've earned that kind of friendship, and lately I'm jealous of people who feel that way, too.
- People who have plenty of money- who don't have to worry about debt or payments, who don't have to be cheap sometimes, who can buy the expensive things they've wanted for so long without reservations even when the money is in the bank, who don't have to worry about compromising or putting off a wedding because of finances. (Yes, I know most of this is just being new to the adult world.)
- People who will get to have their father walk them down the aisle and dance with them at their wedding.
- People who have close relationships with their siblings. With one of my brothers, I almost dread seeing him in person because we usually end up fighting and I usually end up feeling terrible.
- People who feel a deep sense of deserved appreciation for whom they are and what they have done.
- People who are in a close-knit group or club- who spend so much time with the same people that they feel like family and even when they annoy you, you love them. (I miss marching band, drama club, winterguard... all of it.)
- People who are and feel smart. I used to feel smart and I miss that feeling.
- Neat people. Punctual people. Organized people.
- People who have the commitment to spend time and money doing enjoyable things- seeing more plays and musicals and concerts, regularly reading books for fun, dancing, traveling.
- People with the energy and time management to come home from a full day of work and actually get something done.
- People who don't go into random times of being moody and thinking too much. Sometimes for days at a time, I'm in a funk and can't seem to snap out of it.

Most of the time, I'm extremely positive and optimistic. I know that overall, I have a great life and a lot to be grateful for. All things considered, I don't really have reason to complain and I know that.

I'm not fishing for compliments. I know many of these things are well within my control to change. Some are materialistic, some are selfish, some are wistful, some are unrealistic, and some are just plain stupid. I hate that most of these are on my list.

So... here's the optimism. Hopefully someday I'll be able to use them for good? In the meantime, feel free to share the jealousies you need to get off your chest.

Decade-nce?

2010-01-23T15:27:00.002-05:00

Yes, I'm almost a month late. Get over it.

New Years'! Woo! New decade!

One of the blogs I read inspired me to make a post about how my life was different a decade ago. And, wow, what a difference.

Then: I was 12 and in eighth grade in middle school.
Now: I'm 22 and a graduate of college.

Then: I lived at home with Mom and my brothers. My dad had only died one and a half years before.
Now: I live in a new city where I've primarily lived for five years. One brother is eight hours away, and it's been over 11 years since my dad died. I now live with just my fiance.

Some other differences then:

I spent just about all of my time on AIM. Now I use Google Talk sometimes, but not all that often. I just don't chat much. I didn't even have Facebook, and now I'm sadly addicted. I didn't have a cell phone.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and now I am a teacher. I had never had a job other than babysitting, and now I have one of those real adult jobs, complete with benefits.

I was dating my very first boyfriend (for the first time). I hadn't even had my first kiss. Now, I've been with the same guy for over four years and we're engaged.

I was in dance and cheerleading. (Yes, cheerleading- my one and only year. And I really enjoyed it.) I was the only French horn in band (and got a solo in Centuria). I was in A Christmas Carol in drama club. Now? I... don't do any of that, unfortunately. But I do swing dance!

I went to Huntsville, AL that year to visit the U.S. Space and Rocket Center. Now I'm considering a trip with my fiance to see one of the last flights of the Space Shuttle.

The Blogger blog I had was solely to talk with my good friend, who had moved to Austria. I had a best friend that I spent tons of time with. I have good friends now, of course, but no one that I spend all of my time with. No house that I spend as much time in as my own.

I watched some TV, but not near as much as I do now with DVR and TV on DVD.

Gas was cheap, but I didn't know it or care because I didn't drive.

I felt smart. I still had some time to read for fun. When something upset me, I wrote. I did really well in school and my teachers loved me. Now some of those teachers are my Facebook friends, and I wish I had more time to read for fun.

Some things don't change, but a lot do. 10 years is a lot- almost half of my life- and it was kind of fun to look back at my 12-year-old self. :) I've grown up a lot, mostly for the better.

5 Things I Haven't Done...

2010-01-13T20:35:00.002-05:00

That everyone else seems to have done!

1. Seen more than 5 episodes of The Simpsons.
2. Eaten White Castle.
3. Been to a frat party.
4. Had a cup of coffee.
5. Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower or Catcher in the Rye.

Inspired by one of the blogs I read... as seen here.

Wild Card Weekend Wrap-Up

2010-01-10T21:05:00.003-05:00

Well, that was a bust. The Bengals lost badly. The Patriots lost pretty badly. The Packers managed a comeback after being behind by a LOT- and then gave it up in overtime.

At least the Packers' season ended with an Aaron Rodgers sack. It seemed fitting.

I did at least want the Patriots to lose (my, was it sweet to see Tom Brady actually take some hits without getting "Brady rule" calls all day); I just didn't think it would happen. I was happy that the Bengals loss, if it had to happen, came at the hands of Purdue's Dustin Keller. (Although I like Mark Sanchez, he is getting way too much credit for doing nothing other than not screwing up the work of the defense and run game.)

Anyway. So far the Cowboys' win over the Eagles is the only one of my playoff predictions to see the light. Plus, my favorite team and my fiance's favorite team are now both out of the playoffs, so it's been a bit of a gloomy weekend around here.

*sigh* There's always next year, eh?

NFL Playoff Predictions

2010-01-09T14:56:00.003-05:00

This is a weird Wild-Card weekend, for sure. 3 of the games are not only rematches, but rematches only a week later. It was hard for me to tell, even with teams I have watched a lot, what these games really meant. I’ll also admit that my picks are undoubtedly biased by the amount of games I watch and information I read about the Packers (and, honestly, Vikings as well- the NFC North blog I read is fantastic). I also know more about the AFC North, especially the Bengals, thanks to Ryan being a big fan and also the NFC North playing them this season, and I live smack in the middle of Colts country.

Also, please disregard my pre-season predictions (earlier in this blog). Some were not bad… others were terrible. And I apparently forgot to pick a second wild-card team in each conference.

That said, I’m going to do my best.

Jets @ Bengals

I cheer for the Bengals, so this is a scary match-up. I want to see them win, but last week’s loss was crushing. The Bengals defense needs to shut down the Jets’ running game, which would force Mark Sanchez to make risky throws and turn the ball over. The Bengals need the offense to click, and luckily should have multiple important players returning from injury, particularly Peko (a major run-stopper). Although the Bengals have more than enough reasons to play with emotion (Vicki Zimmer and Chris Henry, not to mention a 19-year playoff drought), they need to calm down. They saw what happened last week when they didn’t play Cedric Benson, so I hope the Bengals will commit to the run game. I do think they can pull it off, but it will be close. Bengals, 21-17

Eagles @ Cowboys

Last week, I was shocked at the disparity between these two teams. The Eagles have been solid, but the Cowboys have incredible momentum at this point in the season. Tony Romo, in particular, is reigning in his gunslinger ways and has a career-low number of season interceptions. Hopefully Anthony Spencer (go Purdue) will help put the pressure on the Eagles offense, and DeMarcus Ware has made a huge impact when healthy this season. The Eagles will put up more of a fight, but it won’t be enough. Cowboys, 28-24.

Ravens @ Patriots

Patriots will struggle incredibly without Wes Welker. The Patriots will move Randy Moss and Kevin Faulk around, but the Ravens will have a much easier time covering the electric Patriots offense. Tom Brady won’t be any worse for the wear, but it will be harder to make the big plays without Wes Welker in the slot and drawing coverage off of the other receivers. The Ravens will surprise a lot of people by holding the Patriots at bay, but the Ravens’ run defense matches up well and forces Tom Brady to make a couple of picks. Patriots make it through by the skin of their teeth. Patriots, 18-17.

Packers @ Cardinals

The turnover differential, to me, is the biggest factor here. Charles Woodson has led

the Packers to a +24 turnover differential, while the Cardinals are at -9. The Packers offense depends entirely on the offensive line. They are much improved, but they still don’t guarantee much room for Grant to run or much time for Rodgers to throw. Luckily, Rodgers was one of the top passers in the league even while getting sacked over 35 times in the first half of the season, and the receiving corps is strong but varied. The Cardinals have a good but injured secondary, which just won’t be enough to cover Jennings, Driver, and Finley adequately- and Jones and Nelson to boot. The Packers’ punter is terrible, so the Cardinals will try to take advantage of good field position. Charles Woodson has said he will be covering Larry Fitzgerald a lot- what a great matchup- and Clay Matthews should continue to make a huge difference throughout the playoffs after leading the Packers with 10 sacks. I am completely biased, and I realize that last week Leinart played instead of Warner for much of the game, but we still looked great against them- not only last week, but in the third week of the preseason while both teams had their starters in. Packers, 31-21.

In the next round…

Cowboys @ Vikings

Both NFC matchups are the same story- one of the top teams throughout the beginning and middle of the season who has sort of dropped off in the last few games against a team that had something of a slump before turning it on at the end of the season. The Vikings are a force to be reckoned with, though- Adrian Peterson’s powerful run game is complemented well by not only Brett Favre’s passing to Offensive Rookie of the Year Percy Harvin, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice, and Visante Shiancoe… but also Chester Taylor’s run-pass combo threat. I- unfortunately- don’t think the Cowboys can shut down all of that. Barring major injuries, I don’t see the Cowboys being able to pull it off. Vikings, 34-16.

Packers @ Saints

Again- this is the “hot” team versus the “great” team, and in this case I’m actually going to take the upset. (Yes, probably that bias again.) I know the Saints sat some of their starters in the last few games- but even before they did, it wasn’t looking great. I think Woodson and Sharper are going to have an interception contest, which will be hard considering the caliber of the quarterbacks. But seriously though! Both have played for multiple teams, including the Packers. Both are “getting old” (33, 34)- and yet were selected to the Pro Bowl this year after having fantastic seasons. Sharper has had an injured knee, but I think he’ll still play, and I look forward to the matchup. This won’t be a case of crappy defenses- rather, it’ll be a case of defenses playing well to force turnovers and score themselves. Anyway- both of these teams have great passing games, and while I think the Saints generally have better balance, I see the Packers defense scoring enough to take the edge. Multiple lead changes make it a hard game to call. Packers, 44- 37.

Bengals @ Colts

The Colts do have an MVP Quarterback, and for once I’ll say that he earns the praise he’s getting. I believe he is the primary reason that a new head coach had little or no impact. Essentially, Peyton is calling the plays and running the team anyway. I also think that, for once, the Colts didn’t have it easy. They had a lot of games against a variety of teams come down to very close calls that they could have easily lost. (I, for one, turned off the TV with no hope left during Monday Night Football when they ended up coming back in the last few minutes.) The barrage of injuries the Colts faced left a lot more of the work up to Peyton, and The Robot did come through. (He has always done well, but I have always said it’s hard to measure his singular greatness while he is surrounded by and protected by so much other talent.) This one’s tricky for me. I think the Colts are a better team, but it does concern me that their momentum has been stopped with resting for the playoffs. Still, I think after a rocky start, the Colts will wake up and slide through. Their offense- Dallas Clark, I’m looking at you- is able to make it happen when the Colts need it most. They won’t be playing Vinatieri, but their other kicker will make it anyway. Colts, 20- 17.

Patriots @ Chargers

Mum’s been the word about the Chargers, despite an 11-game winning streak coming into the playoffs. They remind me a little of the Patriots during the “dynasty” (ewww) in that they don’t have all that many super-standout players, but the talent is spread around the team. L.T. is still a good rusher, but he has been stopped (even by, say, the Redskins). Not a good sign for the Chargers- but they have Darren Sproles, as well, and Philip Rivers, and Nate Kaeding… and this, I think, is where the loss of Wes Welker kills the Patriots. They aren’t a bad team by any means, and no one wants to face the Patriots in the playoffs- but they’re not who they have been the past few years. They weren’t vying for ‘perfection,’ and they lost to the Jets, Broncos, Dolphins… some decent, but not great teams. I think the Chargers have them. Chargers, 24- 17.

Conference Championships

Packers @ Vikings

At this, all I have to say is… again? Ugh. A part of me loves the chance to beat the Vikings again, but a loss? The entire state of Wisconsin may as well take a sick day on Monday. Anyway- in all seriousness, I think this would be a different game. The media coverage would be the same (and unbearable), but these two teams have not played each other since Week 8, and the Packers’ offensive line has stepped up considerably since then. The sacks taken by Rodgers were cut more than in half in the second half of the season. While I think the game will be close and I really really want the Packers to win, I don’t think our defense has the skills yet to shut down Adrian Peterson and the passing game. Vikings, 33-24.

Chargers @ Colts

So we’re at this again. The Colts have an unfortunate history of being knocked out of the playoffs by the Chargers in the last few years. (If it’s not the Patriots, it’s the Chargers.) Both are great, well-rounded teams, but I think the Colts are primed to

make it through this time. Their almost-loss the week before will scare them just enough to bring back the precision we’re used to seeing from this team. The Colts’ defense will step up to make some critical stops. Colts, 17-13.

The Big Game

Yeah, I lost too, just by typing that.

Vikings vs. Colts

I would be cheering for the Colts so hard in this one, but when it comes down to this matchup… ugh. It’s really tough to say. I think so much will depend upon injury, especially with the Colts. Addai is injured frequently, and I like Donald Brown but he can’t be a No. 1 yet. The Colts are very lucky that Manning rarely goes down, because the end of the season made clear that Purdue’s Curtis Painter is not ready for the big leagues, much less the Super Bowl. So much depends on players like Freeney, Mathis, Sanders, and Saturday- all of whom have been injured this season, I believe. The Vikings are probably more likely to be injured at quarterback (old), but he’s also less likely to play it safe and sit out. For now, I don’t want to, but I think I’d have to call it in favor of the Vikings. They are such a well-rounded team and while the Colts are, too, the Colts have had many more super-close games. At some point, they’ll probably lose one of them. Vikings, 34-30.

cascabeles, cascabeles, tra la la la la!

2009-12-13T18:34:00.003-05:00

Boy band or not, I am reminded every year of the vocal talent of 98 Degrees when I listen to their Christmas album. Yes, a few of the songs are original pop and not especially wonderful (did we really need two versions of This Gift?), but they do pleasant versions of many classics. They're rarely overworked, there's not excessive use of a drumset beat, and the two a capella songs on the album (I'll Be Home for Christmas and Ave Maria) display beautiful harmony. The voices of this group blend so well, and I love that they gave the bass voice a solo for once!

Cheesy as it may be at times, I love getting out this CD every year.

Other top Christmas music:
- Mannheim Steamroller- my dad's music of choice on Christmas morning.
- The Nutcracker Suite- the regular one, and the version by the Brian Setzer Orchestra (after years of ballet and band, I can't resist it)
- Celine Dion- These Are Special Times
- Josh Groban- Noel (as well as O Holy Night, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, and Believe, all of which can fit as Christmas music but just aren't on that CD)
- Sleigh Ride- another one that I like more for having been in band
- Silent Night/ Night of Silence. (Night of Silence is a song meant to be sung with Silent Night, and it gives the original some gorgeous overlapping harmony.)

I'm also anxious to hear Andrea Bocelli's Christmas CD, because- well, it's Andrea Bocelli. He's a bit too classical for my taste usually, but I imagine his voice will be perfect with Christmas music.

Anyway- I'm starting to get way in a Christmasy mood. Any Christmas/ holiday music recommendations for me to look up?

Donuts with Dad

2009-11-23T16:58:00.002-05:00

Lately I've started reading a significant number of teaching blogs. I'm always tempted to write more about teaching- since it's mostly all that I'm doing these days- but I think my blog is a little too un-anonymous. I'm considering starting a new one just for that, but I guess I'm not sure I'd actually use it enough. I do know that I don't want to say anything that could be somehow traced back to my school or class.

Anyway, I did want to tell a couple of stories while I was here. Last week was our "Dad's Breakfast" at school. I remember having Doughnuts with Dad when I was in elementary school, and I loved it. Dad came with us, sat with us, and dropped us off at school. Normally, Mom was the one who helped us get ready in the mornings and then we rode the bus.

The night before our dad's breakfast, an announcement was made throughout the school reminding students. Just after the announcement, I noticed one of our students in tears. I talked to her for a few moments, and she shared that she was crying because her dad was put in jail the night before.

Another student today was reading a story with me. We read the word "parents" and she told me she really "only has one parent, my mom." She's told me previously that her dad was in jail and doesn't get to come home until "she's all grown up" (and this girl is in second grade right now).

I know the school I'm in has much higher poverty than the one I attended at their age, and I imagine being in a gifted class made my experience a bit different as well. Plus, times have changed immensely. But it still amazes me to hear the candor and ease with which these students share. When I was in elementary school, I can't remember ever hearing students talk about their parents being in jail- and I think if someone's parents were, the student would have been ashamed.

Today, at least in my school, that's different. The kids have no shame, because it's so normal for them. Having a single-parent family, or even a parent in jail, is so typical and commonplace that no one thinks a thing of sharing it. I know that this changes somewhat as the children age (at this age, the kids don't have all that much of a filter for what they share), but it's still amazing to me.

It's not all jail, either. One girl told me that her dad had died a year ago. It's all hard to hear, but I am glad that I feel like I have something to say to a student who's missing her dad being around. My own father died when I was in fifth grade, and even though it was over 10 years ago, there are times when the grief hits me hard. I always tell the students that I don't know exactly how they feel, but I do know that it's hard sometimes to have a parent gone, especially for a long time, because I've been there. I am there, still.

I'm having a hard time putting the sentiment into the right words, but as much as I don't want to cheapen their sadness, somehow I am glad that I can have some genuine sympathy. Who knows- maybe somehow knowing that their teacher has gone through something similar can make things a little better, or give them hope or a role model or someone to talk to.

Review Games

2009-09-27T21:29:00.003-04:00

If you're a teacher and need some kind of review game, please consider this:

http://www.superteachertools.com/jeopardy/

I created a math review for the past six weeks, and the kids loved it. Of course, you can really only use this if you have a projector of some kind. This worked wonderfully on a SmartBoard, and didn't take me much time at all to set up.

I've made PowerPoint Jeopardy games before, and even with a template, they take some time. Plus, the Flash game keeps score for you. The kids got a huge kick of seeing the score change (of course, it probably would have been good for the students to add up their scores for practice- but I only thought of that now).

The kids love playing a game, of course, but this particular one was a great way to spend a rambunctious Friday afternoon reviewing math concepts. The SmartBoard made the questions huge and easy for everyone to read, and all I had to do was tap once on the screen to move to the next page.

On Friday, I tried out the game while I was leading the class. Normally there's a lead teacher, but she was gone and so the sub was mostly observing as I taught. It went so well, and really confirmed that almost every student really knows these concepts. I'm so glad I found this site, and excited to move on to some new standards!

*One hint: If you're working with second graders like I am, I wouldn't try to follow the traditional Jeopardy format of answer and then question. They didn't know the show, so I think it would have been extremely confusing.

almost there

2009-09-26T21:27:00.003-04:00

This summer was full of dread. I was worried I wouldn't get a job. And then, beneath that, there was an even bigger worry. I would get a job, but I would be terrible.

Student teaching wasn't super smooth. I discovered quickly that while I'm a natural at the teaching aspect, the organizational side of teaching- which is every bit as important- is seriously lacking. I quickly found myself to have piles of papers, I nearly forgot to put a chunk of grades in the official gradebook, and I was swimming in too much work.

One of my biggest realizations was that every lesson doesn't have to be the brilliant, show-stopping, groundbreaking lesson. I would have a lesson mostly planned out, go to finish the final touches a few days before, and think of a new and much better idea. I'd completely revamp the lesson, which of course required immense preparation, and stay up late the night before finishing it.

I couldn't keep this up. At the end of student teaching, I was doing a lot more basic, simple lessons. The extravagant lessons just weren't viable to do often, and I had to reign in my ideas to be more reasonable. Had I continued the way I was teaching, I would have easily been burnt out, but it was really hard for me to stop. It felt like giving up on my best ideas to not teach them.

I had to simplify things and figure out a better system for me. I improved by the end of student teaching, but I knew I still had a lot to learn. The thought of my own classroom was exciting, but after student teaching wasn't perfect, it was also incredibly terrifying.

What if I'm not good enough? What if my students don't do well? What if I can't control the classroom? What will the parents think? Will I keep my job?

Finally, after increasing worry all summer, I heard something back from one of the tens of schools to which I applied. I had landed an interview. Time to show the principal that I felt confident and competent- joy.

But I did okay. I explained to the principal that I'd learned a lot during student teaching about the art of teaching, but more importantly about myself as a teacher. I had learned many things I wanted to do or not do in my own classroom to make it work for me. I also came away from student teaching knowing that I have a lot more still to learn, and so I emphasized to the principal that while my youth and inexperience might be a weakness, my passion for improving was a definite strength.

As it turns out, I'm now in an interventionist position. It's amazingly well-fitted for me at this point. I am essentially an assistant teacher in a specific classroom, which feels very similar to student teaching. I have opportunities to lead the entire class, and many opportunities to work with struggling individuals and small groups. I'm still teaching, but I don't have all of the responsibilities of my own classroom just yet. I have a tremendous opportunity to keep learning from a more experienced teacher, and at the end of the year I'll be teaching my own class for six weeks.

I can't think of a better job to help me transition to a full-time classroom leader. Obviously, there are times I wish for my own room. I feel like an almost-teacher at times, but for now I'm hoping to take everything I can from the experience. So many qualified people I know simply haven't found a teaching job this year (including my own mom), and I'm thankful to have a job. Especially one where I can teach!

Football Predictions

2009-09-10T17:48:00.004-04:00

I love professional football. The NFL eats up a very good deal of my weekend time each season, and I get sad for the end of the season.

My family's full of Packers fans, so I know I have strong bias- but I also think I do a pretty great job of staying abreast of the NFL in general. I'd hoped to read up a bit more and watch more preseason games before doing this, but having a real job has gotten in the way. That said, right before the season really begins, here are my season predictions:

AFC East (Bills, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets):
Patriots will dominate, sadly. I don't like them (and they lost one of the few players I liked in Tedy Bruschi through retirement), but their division is just plain weak. I do think Mark Sanchez will significantly help the Jets- they looked much better last year while Brett Favre was healthy, and I'm excited to see Dustin Keller (Boiler Up!) become an increasingly dominant tight end. Little sad they let Bubba Franks go, but that's just some old Packers loyalties :). T.O. just doesn't have the talent around him on the Bills to make a huge impact on the team, but I'm sure his numbers will still look nice for fantasy. Dolphins will continue to climb, which I don't think many people will suspect, but won't improve near enough for a wild-card spot, much less beating Tom Brady & Co. They'll be consistent, but not annoyingly perfect. Dang it.
Winner: Patriots
Runner-Up: Dolphins

AFC South (Texans, Colts, Jaguars, Titans):
I like the Colts- I do. But this is a tough division in the past few years, they're aging and without Dungy or Harrison, and I think they've lacked the kind of precision they had before in the preseason. Maurice Jones-Drew, barring injury, ought to finally get the numbers he deserves now that Fred Taylor is out (although I was very sad to see him go- the two had a fantastic on-and-off-field relationship and he was a classy guy). I think the Texans have been building for some greatness the past few years, but I think the Titans will hold on. Yes, Haynesworth is a big loss- but Nate Washington and some DT depth are good gains, and one of the Titans' strengths last year was a solid, well-rounded team. With less superstars, you have less vulnerability to personnel changes.
Winner: Titans
Runner-Up: Colts

AFC West (Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Chargers):
Broncos are seriously going to miss their old offense. When shootout style play is a commonality and you suddenly replace Jay Cutler with Kyle Orton, your team is going to have to change. (I'm a Purdue fan- but Orton is just not on the same level as Cutler right now.) Never mind Brandon Marshall's serious discontent, which will surely lead to less chemistry, if not a trade of one of the league's top receivers. I've hardly heard of any big Raiders changes, and considering their position last year, that's not good. Let's see as much passion on the field as in the stands, Oakland. Chargers are overrated as usual- I just don't see Philip Rivers as a top QB, and L.T. is aging and always injured, or so it feels. Lucky for them, they are solid enough to beat out a weak division. I think the Chiefs will be a surprising challenge, though- Matt Cassel has shown some strength and I think a fresh coach and GM might help shake up the team in a good way.
Winner: Chargers
Runner-Up: Chiefs

AFC North (Ravens, Bengals, Browns, Steelers):
I'll admit- Ryan completely surprised me with a statistic about the Bengals' defense last year. Almost top ten?! But that makes their record a little scarier still to me- if Carson Palmer goes out, an otherwise solid offense with a good defense still looked pretty rough. Assuming Palmer stays healthy, though, I think the Bengals have had a fantastic draft and offseason that might pay off. Chad Ocho Cinco's team attitude is telling, I think. I still think the team management leaves a lot to be desired, but the talent level should push them far. The Steelers, though, have 20 of 22 starters returning, plus a few strong newcomers (or IR-returners). As much as I don't like them, I just don't see them losing this division, even with the Bengals finally giving themselves a shot and the Ravens becoming more than just a defense. (I think Joe Flacco will prove to be a little flake-o.)
Winner: Steelers
Runner-Up: Bengals

NFC East (Cowboys, Giants, Eagles, Redskins): Still an incredibly strong division this year. The Cowboys earn a lot of flak, but I think they have the talent if they don't fall short. I think the loss of T.O. will end up hurting only a little, because the Cowboys really needed to ditch the drama. Tony Romo will really have to step up if he wants to make headlines for anything but his girlfriends, and I think he just may do it. Plus, Wade Phillips is seriously on the line, so hopefully desperation from him and embarrassment from a disappointing end of last season will lead to stepping up. Redskins are another team that have improved significantly in the past year and Albert Haynesworth ought to be a big addition, but I can't place them as a contender against these other teams. The Giants are barely removed from a Super Bowl, and other than the loss of Plaxico Burress, seem to be hiding under the radar as usual. That seems to bode well for them, especially if they can still get into playing the underdog- but I wonder who in their offense can bring the potential to score that Burress had. Eagles still look good, though, but so much depends on not getting injured. Brian Westbrook is great- or completely out. That's not going to cut it, especially when your passing game isn't consistent. I think this division is crazy close, and a critical injury or acquisition on any team could throw my predictions haywire immediately. And they may well be wrong.
Winner: Cowboys
Runner-Up: Eagles

NFC South (Falcons, Panthers, Saints, Buccaneers): The Falcons were seriously good last year. A rookie quarterback took hold of the offense with stability and strength, and a balanced offense made things all the better. Add Tony Gonzalez into the mix, and everyone else in the division should be a little scared. Look at what Gonzalez has done in his career, and the caliber of offenses that he's been doing it on- and then imagine what he'll do here. Unfortunately, my confidence ends with the Falcons' offense. Defense is a big worry. Similarly, I love Drew Brees' play. I think the team is SO CLOSE to being phenomenal, but it's bad when you have Drew Brees' almost-record-breaking numbers and your defense still can't keep you in the game. The Buccaneers are making some serious rebuilding strides, but they don't have a QB that will really be able to take advantage of Antonio Bryant just yet. Their defense isn't the worst in the league, but it will have to compete with some amazing offense and I don't think it has much of a chance. The Panthers still have Julius Peppers and Jake Delhomme, plus they just picked up Tyrell Sutton (a Packers recruit who I really liked at RB). I think a 12-4 season isn't likely to go that far downhill.
Winner: Panthers
Super-Close Runner-Up: Falcons

NFC West (Cardinals, Rams, 49ers, Seahawks):
I want the Seahawks to do well, and I think they'll be a lot more respectable than last year. Unfortunately, Matt Hasselbeck isn't out of the woods injury-wise, and I'm not sure the 'Hawks have enough backup to do decently once he's gone. I miss Mike Holmgren, too. Cardinals will be strong. They probably won't make it as far as last year, but I don't expect them to be a one-hit-wonder. Kurt Warner's old, but he can still play, and Larry Fitzgerald and the rest of the offense are a major boon to the team as a whole. The Rams just aren't doing enough, and the 49ers are trying, but Michael Crabtree is being frustrating. I think this division will honestly be pretty boring.
Winner: Cardinals
Runner-Up: 49ers

NFC North (Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings):
I think the NFC North is going to suddenly be one of the best in the league, which is somewhat surprising considering last year's close but relatively mediocre records. I think the strength of teams should lead to two NFC North teams making the playoffs, but I'm unsure if it will really happen. I think the strength of the other teams will make all records a little lower and might make it difficult to fit into a wildcard spot. Playing the AFC North will help in some ways (Browns, anyone?), but also means playing the Steelers (ouch). Anyway, the Bears have brought in Jay Cutler and may have a truly great QB for the first time in... a long, long time, if not ever. He's going to throw a lot to the TE, and Devin Hester will finally seem like the speedy receiver that everyone has predicted for so long. The Bears have tried to improve their receiving situation and repair their defense, and they'll be good- but I still think their receiving core pales in comparison to others in the division. The Vikings, on the other hand, were a solid team that wasn't missing much except for a quarterback. The addition of Brett Favre perturbs me on a personal level, sure- but it also made the Vikings a much stronger team. I think he'll likely suffer from injury again, but in the meantime he'll do just enough to make the Vikings a top team. Finally, I am completely biased, but I think the Packers are going to eek this one out. Looking at their preseason, they have really impressed me. I was the first to admit that I thought the Packers would struggle early on due to their switch to a 3-4 defense. Even at the beginning of the preseason, I told myself that we were only looking this good against crappy teams- but then we played the Cardinals. And we weren't perfect, but we held our own against the Super Bowl runner-ups. The sheer number of turnovers the Packers have managed to cause and recover in the preaseason have given me a lot more confidence. Oh, and of course there's also the fact that Aaron Rodgers and the offense have looked sharper than anyone else the entire preseason. I don't think it's a stretch by any means to consider the Packers for the win, even without my cheesehead bias. It'll be close, though.
Winner: Packers
Runner-Up: Vikings

To recap...

AFC Division Winners:
Patriots
Titans
Chargers
Steelers

AFC Wild Card: Colts

NFC Division Winners:
Cowboys
Panthers
Cardinals
Packers

NFC Wild Card: Vikings (with Falcons sooo close)

AFC Champ: Steelers
NFC Champ: Packers
Super Bowl Champ: Packers

MVP: Aaron Rodgers
Rookie of the Year: Mark Sanchez

Okay, so by the end of this I think my predictions were getting seriously affected by my personal fandoms, but whatever. I don't think any of them are unreasonable, even so. Gametime in less than an hour. Let's do this!

hope?

2009-07-25T11:26:00.002-04:00

A couple of years ago, I wrote about some of my religious background and current struggles:
http://jennifer-annecdotes.blogspot.com/2007/09/religion-part-one.html
http://jennifer-annecdotes.blogspot.com/2007/09/religion-part-two.html

Recently, I found an article here that caught my interest because it reminded me of my own religious views at the moment. I think it's valuable for any person to read that has struggled with doubting faith at some point.

Below is an excerpt that I found interesting:

I took a class called “The Problem of Religious Diversity” that quickly had me believing that just about any belief system could be true and that no one could prove anything. It never occurred to me until then that people who believed something other than Christianity had the same reason for believing their faith as I did for believing mine.

I don't think these things were that hard for me to realize, but I do think they're much of the reasoning I have for looking at things the way that I do, in general. (Even when I've been my most religious, I've never felt that people who believed another religion were necessarily wrong.)

[H]onestly, I didn’t know anything anymore and nothing was real.

This- this is how I've felt. It's not that I disbelieve, or staunchly believe. I just don't know, and it's a strange feeling when I have always believed so strongly.

God won’t fit inside our heads, and if He does, we’re missing something. And I knew all I’d been waiting for was to know that to admit doubt was not to lose faith.

And this- well, I found it to be a profound expression of things that I believe. I don't have to have God all figured out, and I'm really not sure that it's possible anyway. I firmly believe that doubt is a part of any real faith. Thomas is the noted example, but there is, and should be, some Thomas inside of us.

Some people want to find 'proof' of God. There is a 'museum' dedicated to creationism. There are so many people who tell me they believe in God because it's written in the Bible.

Who says the Bible is any more truthful than any other book, and particularly any other Holy book the world over? Who is to say that the Bible is more reliable? The Bible is merely a book, and a book of words that have been translated throughout languages and cultures and thousands of years. There are many different translations of the Bible that say different things or at the least have different connotations. Who is to say that one single Bible, one single denomination, one single faith is correct?

The thing is, you can't prove the existence of God, and I think that's the whole point. If you could prove God, believing wouldn't be a choice. If God was like, say, gravity- that everyone can experience for themselves and feel for sure- it would take no leap of faith to believe. But instead, we have free will, and the only evidence we have is an old book and some feelings. You can't quantify the evidence, or know 100% for sure, and therefore it takes some effort and some hope to really, truly believe.

It is my belief that if you don't have some reasonable doubt once in awhile, you're only going through the motions and doing what someone told you to do. This may be a very, very occasional doubt for you- but I think if you don't challenge what you believe, you're not being honest with yourself. And you're not allowing yourself to change your faith, which means you can't be growing in it.

Then again... while I'm not afraid to doubt, doubt of the magnitude I have felt for awhile now is extremely uncomfortable. It feels awkward and foreign, even now to some extent. More and more lately, I have found myself fighting against the religious conventions some people believe so strongly but with which I disagree. It frustrates me incredibly that so many people are so vehemently close-minded, and I think this frustration has only served to drive me further from the church. I don't want to be a part of anything like that.

Since graduating this year, I've joined the droves of Americans that are searching for a job to no avail. In the past week, just as I began to consider accepting a situation I really didn't want for many reasons, I received a call about an interview for a much preferable position. Both interviews for this job could not have been scheduled more perfectly around my time-consuming summer work. Things are looking incredibly positive at this point that I will have a job next week.

I have been praying more lately than I had anytime in the past few years, both for myself and friends. It could well be a coincidence, of course, but things are really seeming to turn around. Whatever the reason, I am thankful and hopeful it will continue. Despite my doubt, I can't shake all of my faith. I'm still struggling with indecision, almost two years after writing my initial entries here, but I'm doing okay. If nothing else, I'm more accustomed to this new position in the middle of the religious spectrum.

At Mass, I wrote in my journal, “God, see that I’m trying.”

I could not echo his sentiment more.

pomp & circumstance

2009-06-15T01:51:00.002-04:00

Graduation is a funny thing.

It's an arbitrary day, where we're handed a piece of paper that somehow represents 4+ years of work at some level. We wear a gown and funny hats, and everyone cheers that we made it. We managed to get through the requirements that someone said we should.

And then it's celebrated wildly.

For me, graduation has always felt funny. I'm sure that part of the issue in high school was that, as a band member, I had attended three other graduations, and this felt just like another one, really. It was long, it was boring, and I walked across a stage and shook someone's hand and suddenly I was supposed to feel different.

Well, I didn't. And I didn't again for my college graduation. I think graduating is an accomplishment, but I guess it's hard for me in both cases to feel like I was challenged. In high school and in college, a few classes were difficult, but not most. College can be difficult, but most of my education classes just plain weren't. It was expected I would do fine in both high school and college, and that I would graduate. And I did.

High school graduation was a bit more exciting. I was never a kid who wanted desperately to escape my hometown, but college was still an enticing prospect in my mind. College graduation was somewhat different in that I wasn't a big enough part of any group on campus to get a send-off of any kind (unlike high school, where there were a few special graduate events), and I didn't have any plans lined up for the future. High school graduation was a step towards something new and different, and college is, too- but it's a lot scarier.

I'm in no hurry to grow up and be an adult. I've graduated, I'm engaged, but there's a part of me that would love to spend another year or two just like I am now, without having to start a real job or pay for everything myself or deal with all the real world things that come with adulthood.

I think that could all be exciting, don't get me wrong. If I had a job, and I could start setting up a classroom and planning great curriculum and decorating a new apartment- it'd be scary, but there would be an element of fun.

Without the job, I can't start setting up or planning, and I don't want to commit to a new place to live. Without having a job, I have to experience all of the aspects of the real world except for the fun ones.

And no one seems to understand why I can't get too into celebrating my graduation. Completing my major doesn't feel like a particularly surprising or commendable accomplishment for me personally, and now that I've graduated, I have little to look forward to besides a so-far-fruitless job search in the current economic times. Congratulations to me?

June 4th, 1998

2009-06-05T00:10:00.001-04:00

Note: This is an extremely long post, written more for me than for any reader.

I was eleven years old, and it was the last day of school. The last day of elementary school, even! I woke up with one of those Christmas-morning sort of moods, where you don't care that it's early because it's going to be a good day!

And the morning was going swimmingly. For once, the first outfit I tried on looked great, and I was ready with enough time to spare to have breakfast before the bus came. Even in fifth grade, I was rarely ready to leave early- but that day, eleven years ago today, I was. It was a good day- no, a great day- and I was so excited.

The last day of school was a blast, too. Mr. Quinn must've known that there was no way he'd get us to do much of anything that day. I remember spending the morning helping him move things to his new room downstairs and then playing games. At one point, the principal came to our room.

My brothers and I had never liked her. Mrs. Kinder could be kind of scary, stern woman and whenever we saw a "KinderCare" we made jokes. We were probably too mean, but even though I didn't like her much, I wasn't at all scared when my teacher asked me to leave with her.

I wish I could remember what his face looked like when he told me, but I was too busy brushing off the taunts of my friends. I wasn't worried- I was a "good kid" and knew I hadn't done anything to get myself in trouble- but they still "ooohed" at the fact that I was sent out with the principal.

When I got to the hallway, Mrs. Kinder told me that we'd go pick my brother up from class, but otherwise remained fairly stoic. It wasn't out of the ordinary for her, so I followed without a worry. When Bill wasn't in his classroom but instead outside, she led me out the door. We walked around the school, passing my classroom's window. I waved to my friends, grinning that I was outside in the beautiful weather while they were stuck in class. Eventually, we'd circled the school and discovered that Bill's class must have gone inside. As we came in, we realized someone else must have sent a message to his class, and Bill was walking in the hallway ahead of us towards the office.

A single student was in the hallway, getting something out of his locker, and Mrs. Kinder told him, "Go stop Bill," so he started to walk. And only then, when our strict principal told him to run in the hallway, did I realize that something might be wrong.

The boy stopped Bill, and he walked in with us. Mrs. Kinder led us to her office and opened the door. Inside sat my mother, with tears streaming down her face, and my pastor. My first thought was that my aunt or uncle had died. They were always in and out of the hospital with sudden and serious health problems. To this day I don't know why it didn't cross my mind that my dad wasn't in the room.

We were told to sit down, and we did, but we were both on edge. My mom took a deep breath, and she told us that our dad had had a heart attack that morning. I can't remember her exact words, but I know she choked on the words a little when she told us he had died at the hospital.

I burst into tears immediately, and my brother sat, rigid, without a word.

After a few minutes, I returned to my classroom. Thankfully, the class was gone and I could clear out my desk without seeing anyone. Before I left, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote a quick note to one of my friends telling her what had happened. It had barely sunk in, and I remember struggling to put it into words.

We went home, and my little brother was waiting with my grandma. He was just finishing first grade and was excited to be home early. My family stood awkwardly by our front door, almost like visitors, as my mom told Steve. Watching him take the news was harder, I think, than being told myself. His tiny body seemed to crumple with the news, and he bawled. I wrapped him in a hug as tightly as I could. I think we all did.

My memories of the next few days are spotty. Mom and I underwent the painful task of going through photo albums to make a couple of poster boards, and she went to make arrangements. I remember going in to see my dad in the casket before the viewing. It didn’t upset me as much as I thought it would- he didn’t look like himself, really, although we did have him dressed in a shirt he wore often and the suspenders he wore almost constantly. Lots of people sent flowers, including my class at school (I still have the flowers in my room) and my dance studio.

During the viewing, I can remember my extended family trying to distract my brothers and me in a back room. At one point, they took us across the street for ice cream just so we could get away for a break. I also remember, in a very fifth-grade fashion, trying to avoid being out with my mom when boy classmates came to the viewing. Instead, hiding in the back just prompted my uncles’ teasing that a boy was there to see me. But lots of people came- our close friends, lots of people from church, and even business associates of my dad’s. The biggest surprise, for sure, was one of my dad’s teachers from when he was in school- he’d remembered him being a good kid and wanted to come.

At the viewing, I learned that the worst thing to ask someone after they’ve lost a loved one is “How are you?” … because, really, what are you supposed to say? “I’m great, thanks!” sounds terrible, but you don’t want to make the person feel bad by replying “Absolutely awful; thanks for bringing it up.” There’s no answer that feels both honest and kind, but somehow that’s all anyone can think of to say to you.

The funeral was the next day, and before it, my family got one more chance to spend a little time alone with my dad’s body before they closed the casket. I remember this, and each taking a moment to say a goodbye of sorts, but the actual funeral is completely blocked from my memory. I know “On Eagle’s Wings” was played, mainly because both of my parents love that hymn and my mom still cries just about every single time she hears it. I don’t remember any sort of eulogy, or what happened as a part of the service. I just remember the casket being carried out at the end and our family getting into a crappy limousine to go to the cemetery.

Times like those- in between the serious times- it seems like we tried to talk about anything but my dad. It was awkward and it was hard, but joking around was easier than stewing in grief any more than we already were. So we did- we joked, and tried to mean it when we laughed.

We did laugh a little, genuinely, when my uncle pulled on a handle to get out of the limo and it broke. None of us were sure what to do with the handle, so he snuck it back into place and we all got out of the limo.

It didn’t take long for everything to hit home again, and after waiting on a string of cars to arrive, we watched my dad’s casket descend with red roses on top.

The rest of the summer is a blur. My family cancelled our vacation, and ended up scheduling one for December instead so we could avoid being home through Christmas and my dad’s birthday (the 26th). We never spent all that much time talking about things as a family. In general, I think it was easier for all of us to pretend, for awhile, that nothing was different, and after we were used to dealing with it on our own, it was even harder to bring up. In the fall, I started middle school and while my class knew what had happened, not everyone in the school did, and that helped. I didn’t want people to know, to pity me, to treat me differently. I didn’t want anyone to see me as fragile, because I wasn’t. I could take care of myself, and even if things were rough, no one else had to see it. I much preferred to control it- to keep it all inside until later, when I could deal with it alone and on my own terms.

It’s still sometimes hard to think about how sudden the whole thing was. My dad had been healthy. He wasn’t as skinny as he could have been, but he’d been to a physical two weeks before he died and the doctor saw nothing wrong. The autopsy said a heart arrhythmia- an uneven heartbeat- caused cardiac arrest. There was no clot, no clear reason for the sudden arrhythmia. I know enough about biology to realize that it probably wasn’t, but it seemed, by all accounts, an entirely random occurrence.

The memories I have of my dad are spotty and fading, which makes me feel guilty (although I know I shouldn’t). But I still get upset from time to time, especially when other things trigger it. The tiny bit of wedding planning I’ve done has been a joy- I would love to do something to honor my dad, like play Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again (a song from Phantom of the Opera, which he loved, sung by a girl about missing her dead father) or something- but I’m afraid that I’ll start crying and never stop.

I don’t think I deal with things in the healthiest way I could, but I feel like I do what tends to work for me and, at this point, what I’m used to. By now, I’ve lived as many years without my dad in my life as I have with. It’s hard to… miss him, exactly, when it’s not like I’m used to having him here. Life is just really different at this point. My memories of my dad come from when I was an elementary school student, and now I’m old enough to be an elementary teacher.

My dad’s death is without a doubt the most influential event in my life, but it’s hard to say exactly what influence it has had. I mean, I know I’d be really different if it hadn’t happened, but hell if I know how. And while things get easier as time goes on, they are never easy. (If they start to feel that way, I just feel guilty about not being more upset.) June 4th is usually rough, especially if- like today- I don’t have anything keeping me too
busy to think much.

Simply put, at this point I’m not sure I’m missing my dad as much as I’m missing the opportunity to have him in my life. I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but I feel like… I don’t even know what I’m missing, and I’m jealous of people that get the chance to have their dads around. Eleven years is long enough that it’s already hard for me to remember what that’s like.

Snow at Louveciennes

2008-12-09T23:13:00.004-05:00

My foot sinks into the snow, destroying the smooth perfection. The road is clear, as no one has ventured out this early in the morning. I feel alone in the world, as though everyone else is asleep. The snow has slowed to a soft flurry, but the sun is still fighting unsuccessfully to tear through a thick gray blanket of cloud. For now, we are trapped beneath the blanket in this quiet world of snow. The evergreen trees in the distance, wearing a coat of needles, mock the cold leafless ones, but the bare branches have tiny icicle jewelry sparkling in their defense.

Beneath my umbrella, wrapped in a warm scarf, I am cold- but there is no biting wind, and I relish the feeling of each tiny snowflake on my cheeks. Everything stands still but me; this pure perfection is mine, and mine alone. Even the birds are huddling in their homes for warmth.

I decide to follow suit before my silent solitude is ruined. I go inside, kick off my snowy boots, and put another log on the fire before crawling back into bed. My boyfriend, still half asleep, wraps his warm arms around me and I drift off, dreaming of my own exquisite winter wonderland.

Written for my art class as an art criticism exercise of entering the "World of the Work." Inspired by Alfred Sisley's "Snow at Louveciennes," shown above. I'm not incredibly happy with it, but it'll do for a quick in-class exercise in writing.

Election Afterthoughts

2008-11-05T13:33:00.003-05:00

*Note: This was also posted on my private journal; however, I wanted to be able to share it with someone who did not have access to that journal so I also posted it here.

A few weeks ago, I thought to myself that it was kind of cool to be on a college campus for this particular election. From the hard-fought Clinton/ Obama race to the McCain/ Obama one, this was an interesting year, and one that really drew in a lot of youth support.

Not too long after that, I started to get really sick of politics. I couldn't walk from one class to another without being urged to register to vote for awhile, and after that was through, I couldn't do so without being urged to vote early. There were chalk messages for and against each candidate, messages changed to flame a candidate, and apparently a tree in the middle of campus painted with an Obama slur a day or two ago. There were people standing outside offering suckers with a "vote Obama" tag on election day, there were celebrities coming to campus to talk about Obama, the ads and speculation flooded the TV, and there were Facebook statuses galore donated to the cause.

Quickly, instead of it being cool that I was smack in the middle of a lot of politically passionate people, it was downright annoying. Last night I refused to watch constant election coverage; I checked a news outlet periodically and went to bed before ten. I woke up, hoping to read the results and to finally be done with all this crap, only to see that my LiveJournal and Facebook friends had exploded with post-election reactions. To their credit, almost all of my LiveJournal friends had extremely logical, reasonable posts- even if they had voted for McCain- about this being, if nothing else, an historic event. On the other hand, half of Facebook was whining about how now they're living in a socialist state and will be losing all their money, how their health care's going to suck, how an all-Democrat D.C. can bring nothing but doom for the entire country, and even, once, that "the antichrist is rising."

Let's face it. I'm fine with people being happy their candidate won, if they were really into the election. But no one on either side should be assuming that Obama's campaign platform is going to be carried out exactly. A platform is made up of the things you'd like to be able to make happen- but since our president is not a dictator, they may not be able to actually happen. We have a system of checks and balances, and even with a Democratically controlled Congress, not all campaign promises can come true. Even if they did, they would not ruin the U.S. as we know it, much less the world, and if you truly believe that than I truly believe you're not thinking intelligently. On the other side of the coin, they may bring some positive change- but more than likely, like every president before him, Obama will cause at least minor negative things as well.

If something about Obama or his policies upsets you that much, write to your elected officials and try to do something about it. Obama's policies aren't automatic and inevitable, and if they really upset you, do more than complain on Facebook. If you don't take the time to be politically active in some way other than just voting, I think you forfeit your right to bitch about it any more.

And if nothing else, be happy that a majority of America is not racist enough to refuse to vote for an African-American son of a Muslim. That's a definite step, by which some other countries around the world are probably pleasantly surprised. While I don't want to champion this as a 'win' for African-Americans, I do think it may help perceptions of the U.S. abroad as well as the perceptions of race in young children here. I was also glad Obama won some traditionally Republican states, especially my home state of Indiana, but only because it signifies that some people aren't too stuck in their ways to vote for something more than a certain party.

Regardless, get over it. At this point, it's a decided issue. It's over. Barring any surprising events, Barack Obama will be the next president. Period.

Congrats to him, condolences to McCain, and high-fives to all you who, like me, are just plain glad it's over.

perennial

2008-07-20T15:45:00.008-04:00

Between two half-homes,
A needed, sudden stop.

Turn the key and park it.
Leave its hood, put up my own.

No place for maintenance
On the car, at least.

Sandals in the soggy grass.
Rain falls, clouds loom low.

Step by step familiar
Trying for respectful.

Reaching hands, carved
Still looking out of place.

Stand there, "I miss you."
There is nothing else.

Tears masquerade
Salty raindrops, blending in.

Tiny flowers, unexpected
In a garden of memories

Beauty meets death,
In the simple souvenir.

Stay only for a minute
Weathering the storm.

It doesn't pass; it won't
The hood down, I go

To home. Family.
Always minus one.

This didn't come out how I wanted it to, but I've tweaked it a lot already, I rarely like my poetry, and I kind of needed to write it.

"the best and brightest"

2008-07-16T21:48:00.009-04:00

Today presidential candidate Barack Obama spoke at my university, Purdue. Unfortunately, the security forum was invitation-only, and I couldn't attend despite the fact he was 10 minutes' walk away. Anyway, I did read through a transcription of his comments. While a part of me thinks it was in part to appease the crowd (mostly cyber-security experts from a university known for its engineering and computer science)... I liked this quote:

"In the Cold War, we didn't defeat the Soviets just because of the strength of our arms – we also did it because at the dawn of the atomic age and the onset of the space race, the smartest scientists and most innovative workforce was here in America. For the last few months, I've talked about how America's economic competitiveness depends on education. The same holds true for our security. If we're not investing in math and science education, our nation will fall behind. And if we're not educating the best and brightest scientists, engineers, and computer programmers here in the United States, we won't be able to keep America safe."

[emphasis added]

I hadn't picked a candidate, and I still haven't-- but I would be lying if I said that this particular quote didn't endear Obama to me a bit.

Education and the economy (and society in general) really are closely linked. Maybe not immediately, but our economic future ten years down the road absolutely will be affected by changes to our educational system now. Today's economy could use a quick fix if we have it, but in the meantime it would make no sense- in any field- to worry about now without trying to prevent the same things from happening in the future. And I think for many things, math and science education especially (but also all education), is the avenue for change that makes the most sense.

Yeah, maybe I'm biased because I'm an ed major- but I wouldn't be an education major if I didn't value education. I get frustrated when people tell me I should be in secondary ed because we need good math and science teachers. We do-- there's a severe shortage of math and science secondary teachers (much less good ones). But I think there's a shortage that's not as easy to document: the shortage of good math and science elementary teachers.

Without a decent foundation in math and science, students will struggle to succeed in secondary school, no matter how many resources are made available to them. It is the responsibility of elementary teachers to build this educational foundation, so that students can move on to continue learning newer and more complicated things.

Elementary teachers don't always get a lot of respect for being able to teach math and science, but just because a lot of the math and science taught in elementary school is considered "easy" to do does not mean that it is "easy" to teach. You try explaining to a kid how the base ten system works, and why he shouldn't add the denominators of a fraction. It's kindergarten, first grade stuff-- and yet some of the most difficult 'stuff' to teach well that I've ever tried.

But what does it matter if an elementary teacher can teach, if they don't? In my elementary teacher training, I've seen multiple future colleagues (both other future teachers, and current teachers) who simply lack the confidence in their own science knowledge to try teaching it. Science can scare these teachers- and particularly with the focus on improving standardized test scores in reading and math, it's easy for these teachers to skim over science, or even skip it altogether. In some cases, I've seen a teacher who seems to think it's okay to just read the science textbook or maybe a fictional book about an animal now and then. Because, you know, she's 'covering' it.

It doesn't take long for students to develop the opinion that "science is boring." If a student thinks science is boring and he's not even out of elementary school, I feel like we have missed a huge opportunity. Children are so naturally inquisitive about the world, which makes learning science so absolutely perfect for them- and we crush the curiosity. For a lot of kids, I don't think it ever comes back.

So yes, I love science- but I'm going to be an elementary teacher. And no, I'm not wasting my intelligence or any teaching talents I have. I'm still teaching kids things they don't know that can be really difficult to them- it's just that the kids are younger, with less predetermined ideas about school and learning. I get to be that teacher who teaches them that science can be fun, math can make sense, and reading doesn't have to be boring. I have the opportunity be a teacher that helps prevent kids from being burnt out on school by the time they reach junior high. I can not only teach skills, but I can get kids interested in and excited about almost any school subject, and teach them how to think.

I really do think Obama's looking the right direction. When considering current issues, he's trying to look back at some of their causes, including a deficiency in our math and science education, so we can try to prevent similar problems in the future.

But I hope that he remembers to look all the way back to where educational problems can begin. Science and math education don't start in the sixth grade, or in high school. If a student loses confidence, interest, or competence early, there may be no way to remedy the situation. Without a solid foundation in elementary school, students can forever be trapped playing catch-up with their potential. And that's not good for the future of our students- or the future of our country.

Favre Retirement Quandary: A Fan's Perspective

2008-07-11T21:03:00.006-04:00

Brett Favre retired in March, much to my surprise. The last few years, when he'd contemplated retirement, I'd prepared myself for it. But last year? When the Packers were so close to getting in the SuperBowl? When Favre had a year so much improved from his last few? I thought sure that it wasn't even a worry this year.

And then he retired, teary-eyed, saying he could play, but he didn't want to. He was just "tired."

I wasn't happy, and I was very unsure how I'd react to watching a Packers team without Favre at quarterback (something I really can hardly ever remember seeing) when this football season started.

By now, I'd become at least more accustomed to the idea. I was going to the first preseason game of the season, and looking forward to seeing Aaron Rodgers' first game as a starter. As it turns out, that may not be what I see at all!

For those of you not big into football, Brett Favre has expressed his desire to come back out of retirement this season. The Packers, who have been obviously moving forward, intensely working the offense with Rodgers at QB, didn't welcome him back with open arms, and with good reason (especially because if Rodgers, a first-round pick and college star, doesn't get his chance now- he's likely to refuse to re-sign with the Packers after his contract ends next year. And then the Packers are left without a probable heir when Brett does retire in the next few years.)

Brett's upped the ante, requesting "an unconditional release" from the Packers. His love of playing football (something I normally laud as one of my favorite qualities of his) has led him to seek a release from the Packers. If they won't let him play, well, then- he wants to go to someone who will.

I can understand that he just wants to play, but one of my other favorite Favre-ian qualities is his loyalty to the Packers. And seeing Favre in a uniform other than a Packers one will not sit well with me, or many other fans. I think Favre feels his loyalty has been betrayed, but really- did he expect the Packers to sit around waiting for him, or did he expect them to continue building for the future of the team? They've waited for him to decide until June before, so when he gave them a decision as early as March, they surely figured- like me- that he was sure this time.

Finally, his very reasons for wanting to retire completely contradict what would happen if he came back. Oh, you're tired from working so hard to win? Oh, you'd be disappointed if you didn't get a Super Bowl next season? How does switching to a new team, learning a new offense, getting in sync with new teammates and coaches fix those problems?

I can understand that Favre wants to play again; after 17 years, it makes sense that he'd miss football. I wouldn't even mind seeing #4 behind center at the game I'm going to this season. But that still doesn't mean I'm happy about the way Brett Favre handled this- and I consider myself a big fan of his.

There's a part of me that hopes Brett Favre is just trying to tempt the Packers. It's like he's standing at the top of a building, leaning over and shouting, "I'll do it! I'll jump!"-- he's trying to show them he's so serious about playing that he won't even limit his team options. Still, threatening to go to a new team seems like a stupid political move, but I think the thought of him trying to manipulate the Packers into taking him back is slightly preferrable to the thought of him actually wanting to play for another team.

As it stands, I think the Packers have little choice but to take him back. Sometimes teams need to focus on rebuilding, and we will need a new QB soon- but in the meantime, Favre's doing fine and it's not as though the rest of our team is young and needs time to improve. The Packers' head guys really have no way to come out of this looking classy at this point, but I think their best option is to come out with their tails between their legs, welcoming Brett back onto the team- even if that means screwing over poor Aaron Rodgers (who's showed an amazing string of patience while waiting for his turn at the helm).

Because, when it comes down to it, the Packers need to build the best team. And Rodgers looks promising, but how many other teams, given the choice, would pick an unproven college star with a tendency for injury over a tried-and-true, passionate and prolific legend, who's sure to bring in revenue (and probably wins) for the team?

This is a no-win situation at this point, but here's my best idea for what to do next:
Packers- take him back, grudgingly. Favre- accept, gracious and gracefully. Rodgers- you were so close this time. Better luck next year?

P.S.-- No matter what happens, GO PACKERS! :)

the san fransisco pride

2008-07-10T16:29:00.004-04:00

My good friend on LiveJournal, Starbucks521, posted this today. I found it interesting, and thought some other people might, as well. I've copied her exact words below (with the exception of adding an informative link that I'm almost certain refers to what she was talking about) in the indented paragraphs:

I was looking up something else in the Catechism this morning, and I saw this, and I thought a couple of you might like to know what exactly Catholics believe about homosexuality. This is taken straight out of the Catechism.

"The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided."

I know obviously that not every Catholic does that, but then, that wasn't my point. I just wanted to share.

My own home church is a member of the ELCA. The ELCA also has a mostly accepting stance, which makes me proud. I don't think I have to agree with every single thing the church synod says in order to go to a certain church, but I do think the general beliefs must align with mine. I don't think I could go to a church that condemns homosexuals. I don't think that's right to do, the verses I've read seem less cut-and-dry than many people would have me seem (particuarly when comparing multiple translations and versions of the Bible), and condemning gay people does not at all fit with my view of God. Maybe it's because I was raised a Lutheran and one of our main ideals is the idea of grace, but I simply can't believe it for myself that God is a homophobe.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, but I do like pointing out that not all Christians think it is wrong to be homosexual. And even some that think it's a sin or a trial (like Catholicism) don't condone judging people who do suffer from it. After all, we're all sinners, and who recognizes that better than Catholics? :)

So, believe what you want about whether it's right to be gay. But don't believe that all Christians feel similarly on the issue- because there are plenty of accepting, loving Christians (whether they personally believe it's right or not). Just because we're often quieter than all the extreme homophobic Christians doesn't mean that you should assume we don't exist.

oh, obama

2008-06-24T21:07:00.001-04:00

Made me laugh.

http://www.slate.com/id/2193798/

keeping pace

2008-06-22T22:53:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've felt like I must really be getting to the 'grown up' stage of my life, mostly because I'm nearing the end of my college career and so many people I know are becoming engaged or married. Even though it's odd for me, I'm happy for them. Getting engaged, getting married, graduating, getting 'real' jobs, and even having kids are exciting milestones.

But with those good things come some sad.

Today I found out that a girl I took dance lessons with for many years had passed away. Her obituary is vague, and I don't know how or why she died. I did find out she'd had a child- a son- that I didn't know about before. I hadn't talked to this girl in years, as she quit dance before me, and I quit my sophomore year of high school.

We weren't especially close, but we were in the same class for years growing up, and I remember her well. It's hard for me to believe she's died.

I talk a lot about my dad's death, because it affected me the most of any death I've experienced. But there's something different about something traumatic happening to one of my peers- like this girl, or my roommate from a couple of years ago. I wasn't still close to either girl, so I didn't grieve, exactly, but it's still weird for me to think about.

I wish I could describe it better, but I feel like it's the other side of the 'feeling older' coin. It feels strange and different that so many people around my age are taking such big steps in their lives, but it also feels strange to know that some of the people around my age are losing their lives, never having the opportunity to take some of those big steps.

It feels like a goofy analogy, but I guess it seems a little like running a race and watching some people alongside you start taking bigger strides and moving ahead, but at the same time seeing a couple dropping out of the race. When I'm sort of nonchalantly keeping pace, it feels weird to see others taking such dramatic turns, for the better or worse.

Rest in peace, Corrine.

rewind

2008-06-11T22:38:00.002-04:00

My car is a '95. It was owned by a friend's grandmother before me, and therefore has a stereo that includes a radio and a player for cassette tapes.

My neighbor, who's 5 or 6 years old, rode with me in the car the other day, and pointed to the tape sticking out of the dash, asking me, "What's that?"

I explained to her that it was a tape, and that's what they put music on before there were CD's. She nodded, and then said she didn't really like the song that was on, and asked if she could hit the number 6 to go to the 6th song on the tape. I had to explain that tapes didn't work that way.

The funny part was that tapes were such a novel idea to her that she seemed to think learning about them was cool.

photography ransom

2008-06-03T00:06:00.007-04:00

The last time I added photos to Flickr, I started getting the following message:
__________________________

Hey JW05! About your photostream...

You've run into one of the limits of a free account. Your free account will only display the most recent 200 things you've uploaded.
Anything beyond 200 will remain hidden from view until you either delete newer items, or upgrade to a Pro account.

Nothing has been deleted, and if you upgrade, they'll all come back unharmed.

_______________________________

... So basically, Flickr, you're taking my photos hostage until I get a Pro account? I thought you were cooler than that, but there it is: "We haven't done away with them yet, and if you give us your money, we'll give them back unharmed."

Not cool.

That said, I've been considering getting a Flickr pro account. With tags, it'd a pretty good way to organize my photos, and it's nice to have a back-up of them (especially until I get an external hard drive, but even that's not always a perfect solution). My photos mean a lot to me, and while I'd lose a lot of stuff if my computer shut down, I would probably miss those the most. I do have a lot on Facebook, a few on Flickr, less on Picasa Web Albums and even a scant few on the old Photobucket, which would be better than nothing, but these sites shrink the pictures, don't allow me to upload too many at a time, or are too new/old to me for me to have used much.

So, weigh in: is Flickr Pro worth it, especially when I plan to get an external hard drive soon anyway? Honestly, I'm a little put off by this new limit thing. Yes, I spose it was nice of them to give me space to host 200 photos for free, but I still didn't know it would happen and it disappointed me. Technically, they're still storing my photos, but I haven't added any more pictures because I don't want more to 'disappear.' I feel like Flickr and I are in a stalemate, and I don't like it. That said, they've been good to me in the past and they're a big, solid company that shouldn't go anywhere (with my pictures) anytime soon.

My other major consideration is Picasa, mostly because I use their photo editing software (which is free and awesome- thanks, Google) and if I bought more storage with them, it appears as though it would also add storage to my Gmail account (not that I need it). Plus, I can edit photos, and within the Picasa program (without ever opening an internet browser) upload them to my web albums.

Maybe some other time I'll post pros and cons of each option, but for now I'm looking for general online-photo-storage advice. Should I say screw it all and just burn everything to CD's? Do you have a favorite service, or any particular features I should look out for?

End of an Era

2008-04-28T20:18:00.002-04:00

Today I closed an e-mail account that I've had for years. In the last couple of years, I've really stopped using it, and I've forwarded any emails I really wanted to keep to my new address. At one point, I hadn't logged into it for so long that they deleted everything I'd had saved- and I don't think I lost anything.

Anyway, when going into account settings today, it showed me that I just passed my seven-year anniversary of when I got this e-mail account. I set it up when my family got MSN Internet, in April of 2001, and kept it when we switched ISPs by using Hotmail, and now it's a weird "Windows Live" thing.

It was kind of an interesting nostalgic journey to go through my contacts (I don't even remember who some of the addresses belong to, and some of the others bring back memories)... but the couple of people I still want to keep in touch with that aren't my Facebook friends or something have had their e-mails saved, and the rest are just being deleted with the account. Most of us were much younger then anyway, and don't still use the same e-mails. I know I'm not "frog princess" anymore.

But I do still have the same AIM screen name I've had since my family first got the Internet (over ten years ago), so I guess I haven't outgrown everything. :)

in stereo

2008-04-23T22:22:00.004-04:00

I bought a "Retro 90's" CD yesterday. We're really old enough that the 90's are "retro"? Seriously, the 90's aren't even two decades away yet.

Anyway, here's the songlist, for anyone who's interested.

1. Walking on the Sun - Smash Mouth

2. I've Been Thinking About You - Londonbeat

3. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms

4. Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something

5. What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

6. How Bizarre - OMC

7. Tubthumping - Chumbawamba

8. Closing Time - Semisonic

9. All for You - Sister Hazel

10. Hole Hearted - Extreme

11. Roll to Me - Del Amitri

12. Kiss the Rain - Billie Myers

13. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) - Meat Loaf

14. Cat's in the Cradle - Ugly Kid Joe

15. I'll See You in My Dreams - Giant

16. MMM Bop - Hanson

There are a couple I don't really know, or don't know well, but for the most part it's been fun. Except that I feel old. I'm not like some people who practically only listen to music groups who are all/partly dead/broken up already.

This is music I listened to growing up. I specifically remember listening to the radio and hitting record on my tape deck when I recognized the intros to some of these songs (after the freaking DJ finally shut up). I made my own mixtapes- and now the only mixtape I've listened to in ages is this one.

I had an old stereo for part of the time growing up which still had an 8-track, and I had two I could listen to. That was mostly old and out of vogue, though, so I mostly had cassettes. Before too long, the CD gained popularity and beat out tapes.

(Fun fact: My first CD was Smash Mouth's Fush Yu Mang, with their first big song "Walkin' on the Sun" (which is actually the first track on my *retro* CD). My brother bought it for me, although I wasn't big on Smash Mouth, because he was. And if he bought it for me for my birthday, he could borrow it and listen to it more than me- which is exactly what happened.)

Anyway, then CD players got better. First, they started to have "non-skip" features, although it was expensive at first. Second, the world of computers became more advanced and CD burners made it possible to make your own mixtape, without that annoying DJ.

The Internet didn't waste much time with legal mp3's, and Napster was quickly a thing. A big thing. Along with LimeWire, Kazaa, and a number of other file-sharing services, until the RIAA cracked down.

And as mp3's and the world of digital media grew, the iPod broke into the world and has continually shrunken in size. While Zunes and other mp3 players have played a part, the iPod has become an icon, and most middle and high school kids today seem to hardly use CD players, much less tape players or anything more ancient.

I know the overhaul of music technology isn't anything new-- anyone who remembers records has seen even more-- but it's still kind of amazing to me. I'm only 21, and just barely, and I've seen the regular and widespread use of three different kinds of music players- and my parents had some 8-tracks and records, still, so even those weren't too far off.

Jeez, what's next? The shows I grew up watching (with stars my age) are on Nick at Nite, some of the music I grew up listening to is on a retro compilation CD, I'm legal to do about anything anyone in this country can do (except run for president), and I've got a year left before I graduate and get a real, full-time job.

I feel olllld. :( Already!

"Chinese New Year Man"

2008-04-16T21:27:00.006-04:00

The kids in the first-grade class I work with made me think about something yesterday.

One of our college instructors came in the classroom for a minute to observe and talk to us, and I believe he's Filipino. A few of the students asked who it was, and I told them he was our teacher.

One of the students then said, "He's Chinese New Year Man!"

Me: "No, I don't think so."

Her: "But he's Chinese."

Me: "I don't think he is. And why does that matter?"

Her: "I dunno."

Me: "I mean, I'm Italian and Norwegian..."

Her: "You're WEGIAN?"

Anyway, my best guess is that these kids had someone- probably a Chinese man- come in to talk to them about Chinese New Year. And that's great. But in this "diversity" education, what are we really promoting?

I guess I worry that these kids- at least the very young ones- might be using this new information to create stereotypes in their head. I think it's important to teach kids about other parts of the world and their cultures, but what if the way we go about it encourages these young students to make generalizations and assumptions about people?

I think it must be important to talk about cultures and traditions in a way that includes Americans, and a way that discusses what it means to have heritage of a certain country, so that students understand not everyone who looks "Chinese" to them may have ancestors from China, or may not be from China themselves. A person can look different, but still be an American who lives just like the students themselves do, and I think it's important for them to realize they can't make assumptions about how a person lives based on what they look like. Part of that might also come from being sure that they meet many people from many cultures, and that they talk about cultures where their own families might have come from. This way, students don't see different cultures as a necessarily foreign thing, but as a part of each person's heritage- including their own.

Maybe that's harder than it seems, especially with young children who often are within the first couple stages of cognitive development and (theoretically) learn by categorizing new information into existing schemata. I'm just a bit concerned that perhaps by trying to expose the students to diversity and multiculturalism (which are huge buzzwords today in both education and the world at large), we are creating a stereotypical association in their minds.

Little Beggars

2008-04-15T22:45:00.003-04:00

The kids' Treasure Books arrived today, and they were so excited. I was, too! The books looked professional and were printed so nicely, even though they were written and illustrated by first graders.

They had written individual books, but they'd also collaborated on a "There's A Wocket In My Pocket"-style book as a class. The teacher read it aloud, and some of the kids' parents had ordered copies, but others hadn't. Some kids who hadn't ordered one wanted one now, and the teacher said she could order more, if they asked their parents.

She suggested that maybe the kids ask their parents if there were extra chores they could do to make money or earn the book, and then wanted to remind the students of something, so she asked: "But what should we never do?"

One of the girls shouted out, "CHORES!"

The teacher had meant "beg," but I liked the student response. :)

"BFF"

2008-04-02T13:11:00.003-04:00

This year, my birthday was somewhat surprising. I ended up having a spontaneous "party" with some of my family and family friends from home, and my mom brought presents and a cookie cake when I wasn't expecting them. My roommate made me cupcakes as a complete surprise, and I got some really great gifts and cards that I love. Overall, it was a really good birthday.

I just wish I wasn't bothered so much by the fact that one person, who I feel really close with, didn't say 'happy birthday' in any form on the day- and, in fact, still hasn't a few days later. There have been a few signs lately, but I think finally, with this one, I'm pretty sure we're not 'best friends' anymore. It's sort of... final, and sad.

Oh well. I have lots of friends- really great ones, both on campus and away- and even someone I might be able to consider a female 'best friend' here on campus. And, like I said, I had a good birthday. It's just hard for my mind to not dwell a little on someone who means so much to me not calling, e-mailing, sending something, or even something as simple as writing on my Facebook wall.

Anyway, I'm 21 now. I didn't go out and drink, as is the custom around here (21 being the legal drinking age for alcohol, and me being in college), but that's because I was busy this weekend and drinking is just not something that I find all that exciting. I did have a good weekend of dancing and improv and friends and birthday things, though- so who needs alcohol?

i say weird a lot in this one

2008-03-24T15:16:00.003-04:00

I don't often remember my dreams. When I do, they're usually really weird, and transition from one into the next seamlessly. I'll go down a hallway in my house and suddenly I'm at my high school, and it doesn't even seem strange.

I realized the other day that I was having a weird dream in this strange sort of hotel where I've had dreams multiple times before. I think it's inspired in part by the cruise ship, large hotels I've been to, my middle school, anywhere with secret passageways, and maybe even the movie Titanic. I don't even know. Seriously, it's weird.

Usually in my dreams in this hotel, things start out relatively calm, but by the end of my dream I'm rushing around in a hurry, trying to get from one place to another or find someone in some sort of crisis or minor crisis. It's a confusing place, and I just keep going up and down elevators and stairs and hallways and passageways and around a stage and... it's just crazy, and usually includes some assortment of people I actually know and people my mind made up. One time someone let these huge dog-things loose and they were knocking into pillars and walls and running over people (which, now that I think about it, is something reminiscent of a combination of Shadow of the Colossus and The Running of the Bulls).

Anyway, I had a dream kind of like that again the other day, only this time I was on a family vacation and at first just hanging out with Steve. But it started to storm, and for some reason the ceiling of this place was a dome, but it was leaking. And not like the GeorgiaDome in recent news (although that probably inspired the dream, at least in part)... it was as though the dome material was porous, and basically when it started raining hard at all, water started pouring down from all parts of the ceiling.

Steve and I decided to rush up and check on our room, to see if there was anything out that would be ruined. We met Mom along the way, and she was headed to her room for the same reason. I think we just assumed Bill was on his way. We were going up the complicated series of elevators (for those of you that ever played SimTower, it was kind of like if you made multiple elevator shafts that didn't all go to all floors), as the water kept raining on us, when I woke up.

It was a weird dream, but not much weirder than a lot of weird dreams I've had before. The part that stuck out to me, though, was the realization that even in my dream, I had thought that my mom had her own room because my dad wasn't around anymore.

For some reason, it made me really sad that my subconscious is so used to my dad being gone that even in this dream world, where anything is possible, he was still gone. I know it'll have been ten years this June, so it's understandable that my mind is used to thinking of my family as a family of four now, but it just makes me sad.

extended spring break

2008-03-15T19:13:00.002-04:00

Random thought today.

The news is full of political talk these days. In November, a new President will be elected- and it looks like it'll probably be Senator McCain, Senator Clinton, or Senator Obama. The three have been campaigning nearly non-stop throughout the recent primaries, and I wonder...

Why aren't they in the Senate? They are senators. Don't they have a job to do?

Maybe there's some rule or something that I don't know about, but I think it seems a little odd that they're flying around the country giving speeches and hosting town meetings and campaigning for their next job when their current job requires them to be in D.C., in the Senate. I understand this isn't your run-of-the-mill 'next job,' but still-- I guess I would just feel funny dropping my Senator responsibilities to campaign for so long, especially if I didn't win.

JP Petty

2008-03-02T23:10:00.002-05:00

My roommate and I have some amusing quotes that we don't want to forget. I'm putting them here, because someone else might find 'em funny.

- Eternal
Sweet
Passionate
Nookie

- Naked banana fairy

- I look like an angry cavewoman.

Other recent amusing quotes (but not necessarily with my roommate):

- Noam noam noam.

- You would make a terrible embryo.

Maybe stories will come some other time.

another suitcase

2008-01-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

Sinking into plush
Letting my eyes close
Soaking up the music
I'd forgotten I knew.

Sinking into past
Feeling my eyes tear
Soaking up memories
Of a time long ago.

Sinking into silence
Leaving my eyes shut
Soaking up the feeling
Of a distant connection.

ev-angel-ism

2008-01-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

There are plenty of religious crazies out there, but I'm not here to vent about them right now.

No, instead I've got a good story to share about some evangelists. Or, sort of- Wikipedia tells me that 'evangelism' is a Christian term, and while Mormons believe strongly in Jesus (technically, most Mormons are in "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints"), I think they consider themselves "Christians" but I'm not sure?

Anyway! Today I was walking through campus and saw two guys standing in the middle of a heavily populated walkway. It was wide enough that it didn't cause any sort of traffic jam and people could have easily walked further away. Each man stood back, smiling, with a book in his hand. They had a poster in the middle of them, but it was hard to read, and I tried to read it as I went by. I was curious- many times different student groups will be out on campus for one reason or another.

One of the men caught my eye, and he smiled warmly. He first greeted me, and I said hi back as I kept walking. Without moving towards me at all, he asked, "Can I talk to you about the book of Mormon?" Short, succinct, and straightforward- without trying to be too pushy by getting in my face.

I replied "Not right now, thanks."

He responded simply, "Okay, have a nice day." I repeated the sentiment, and kept walking, having barely even slowed my pace.

It might not seem like a big deal, but I was impressed. For one, these guys were standing out in the cold for their evangelism, and it's January in Indiana- the high temperature isn't even above freezing, and there's wind chill to be considered.

For another, these guys seemed to have a good approach in comparison to other people I've seen on campus. A few times, I've seen some older men standing around busy areas of campus and shoving small books of the New Testament into the hand of anyone who comes close enough to them. Some of the men are nice, but they're pushy, and even though they're pushing the New Testament (which I believe!) I tend to avoid them entirely. Sure, they're passing out lots of literature- but how many of those books aren't tossed at the next trash can?

It also annoys me that even saying "Thanks, but I already have a Bible" doesn't seem to stop them. It's like passing out their books is more important than me believing- and that's not evangelism at all.

Personally, I have a hard time with any evangelism this straightforward, because I don't see it working. I think that pushy people are often rejected out of stubbornness, annoyance, or fear. I don't have a problem with evangelism, but I think you can show God to others a lot more through your words and actions, even when they aren't specifically relating to God. It sounds cliche, but the "light of God can shine through you" when you're helping in the community, or being a good friend to someone, or being accepting of someone. It's not that I think we should avoid talking about God, but I don't think that talking about God with complete strangers who may be uncomfortable with the idea is usually going to work very well.

I'm probably misquoting this, but a friend of mine recently said that his pastor had shared a tip for evangelizing: "If you have ten minutes to tell them about God, spend the first nine getting to know the person." I think it's a good way to think about it.

So, back to the Mormon guy, and what he did right:

He said hi first, and smiled. It's just nice to greet someone, and it allows that person to make eye contact if they want to. Plus, it means he's not immediately launching into a spiel.
He kept a reasonable distance. He stood back, away from people, and even when I'd responded to him, he didn't come closer and crowd me. I never felt like I was trapped.
He asked me for permission. He didn't start telling me about the book of Mormon- he actually asked me if he could. It gave me an easy out if I wanted it (which I did), but again lessened the pressure of the situation for me. This also may have meant that he understood I was a student, and could be rushing to a class or something- and recognizing things like that about your audience so you can be understanding is always good.
He wanted to talk. He didn't give me something to read, or shout something at me- he wanted to take the time to talk to me. It's much more personal, and probably more conversational. Talking is much less forceful, and more inviting (at least to me) than shoving a book at me.
He told me what was going on. He didn't ask a vague question like "Do you want to go to Heaven?" or say "Can we talk about your future?" or even "Do you believe in God?" He kept me in the loop with a simple and straightforward question, and I would've felt a lot more comfortable entering into a conversation with him knowing the subject.
He was nice, both before and after I turned down his offer. He said hello, smiled, and told me to have a nice day. He wasn't scary, and he seemed genuine. Even though I wasn't interested, I came away from the brief meeting with nothing but good impressions of the guy- and that helped my impression of the religion he represented, which doesn't hurt his cause.

So, this was a really brief interaction, of course, but I wanted to write down my thoughts. It's rare for me to see such straightforward religious outreach that I don't think is way too pushy and makes people really uncomfortable. I don't know how much this sort of thing ever works, but I can respect the dedication of this guy, and I can say that I was impressed with his approach.

Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, [even] unto the end of the world. Amen. – Matthew 28:19,20 KJV

2007-12-08T16:34:00.002-05:00

insomnia

2007-10-22T03:04:00.000-04:00

I remember, quite clearly, when my mom found out there was a Father-Daughter dance at my high school.

My response was a firm, and immediate, no, I'm not going.

My mom, trying her best to be supportive, I suppose, offered that I could take an uncle, a close family friend, or my grandpa. Maybe she was trying to let me know that it was okay with her; I don't know.

But the thought of attending a father-daughter dance, especially with someone other than my father, quite frankly made me nauseous. Luckily, my mom picked up on my feelings, and dropped the subject. She never brought it up again, in that year or any other.

Most of the time a mere mention of something father-daughter-y won't bother me. Especially at this point-- it's been over nine years at this point since my dad died, and some of the pain has faded with the memories.

But some things still hit me hard, and usually they hit me when I least expect it. One time this summer, I was walking back to my apartment and saw a man walking, holding hands with a little girl as she walked on the hill next to the sidewalk. They were probably twenty feet away, and the dad looked nothing like mine, but for some reason I was caught off-guard with what I guess could best be described as jealousy. And something as seeing simple as a father and daughter taking a walk together made me start crying.

I can't imagine going to a father-daughter dance. Not then, not now, not ever. Seeing all of my classmates with their dads, or dadly figures, enjoying quality time together, taking pictures together, and just... being together- it's about the last way I'd want to spend an evening.

And who would I bring? I love him, but my grandfather and I just aren't very close, and especially on a night when I was prone to getting upset, he'd not be my chosen companion. The one uncle in town that I'd consider would have gone with me in a heartbeat. He's wonderful, and he'd do his best to distract me all evening- but he's got his own daughter, and as great as he is, I just don't think of him at all in a fathery sense. There's also a close family friend, who's so close he's practically family... but the few times he's done somewhat fathery things, I feel almost like I'm betraying my dad. I know my dad wouldn't mind, but something wouldn't feel right about bringing anyone else to a 'dad' function.

Besides, some of the people I went to high school with had also gone to elementary school with me... and I didn't want anyone who knew that this wasn't my dad to ask who was with me, and to have awkward explanations. And I didn't want anyone who didn't know to assume that he was my dad. Sure, it'd avoid awkwardness, but it'd somehow feel fraudulent. Maybe if I'd had a stepfather or someone come into my life who I felt like sort of fit that 'fatherly' role, I would've been okay with them going along. But the way things were... I didn't even want to think about going. I was not going, and that was it.

There are some things, like this, that I'm just not going to do. I will not go to father-daughter dances, I will not have a father-figure walk me down the aisle at my wedding (if anyone, it will be my mother or brothers or something), I will not have a father-daughter dance when I get married (maybe some other sort of 'giving away' dance, but no, not that). I can barely bring myself to think about those type of things, most of the time, without crying.

The things that fathers traditionally do- even things normally hated by daughters, like interrogating a date before he takes you out- are things I miss. Well, not miss, I guess, because in a lot of cases... they're things I've never had, and things I never can. But I feel like I'm missing out, even if it's missing out of something negative, because things like that are a definite impossibility in my life.

And yet, if one of our close friends or one of my brothers tries to step into that role, I snap. It's nice, I guess, if they get protective or something- but I immediately go into nothing-can-replace-my-father mode, I have a really hard time appreciating the gesture rather than getting livid.

For a long time, I've told my mother, as my brothers have, that if she wants to date again, we're okay with it. That it might be hard for us at first, but we'll try to be supportive if it makes her happy, and that we'll know she's not trying to replace Daddy. I don't doubt that it would be really hard for me to deal with, especially at first, and that my brothers and I would be extremely judgmental of anyone she dated, but we've promised that we'd try to be accepting.

My mom has always said, though, that she doesn't want anyone else; Daddy was her 'one,' I guess, and she's just not interested in looking for another husband. I don't think anyone would think less of her if she did, and I don't think she'd worry that my dad would think less of her; if anything, I think she'd think less of herself. And I can see that-- even taking someone else to a silly dance would make me feel a little guilty. I worry about her being lonely sometimes, but most of the time, I try not to. My guess is that she's a lot like me.

There are times when I break down and sob until my stomach hurts and I feel like everything happened just yesterday and it's never getting better. But these times are rarer as time goes on, and I've learned how to deal with things in the way that allows me to best go on with everyday life. And no matter what is "okay" in other people's minds for you to do, I do what feels right to me.

I know it may not be the best way of dealing with things, but I guess it works okay. It's not great, but I can't imagine any way of grieving that wouldn't cause a sleepless night here or there.

Speaking of, I should try to get some sleep. Again.

Goodnight.

oh, the times they are a changin'

2007-10-04T11:28:00.001-04:00

Me: Do you know what it means to use context clues?
Students: *blank stares*
Me: Any ideas at all?
Student: Well, I know what text means.
Me: (excited) Oh! That's great. What does text mean?
Student: Like, on your cell phone...

eleven seven heaven

2007-10-04T01:15:00.000-04:00

Borrowing a format from The Halloween House, by Erica Silverman...

In the Halloween house,
In a dark empty den
A mama zombie shuffled
With her little ones, ten.
"Groan," said the mama.
"We groan," said the ten.
So they groaned through the night
In a dark empty den.

religion, part two

2007-09-19T19:05:00.000-04:00

I guess that last entry was just my religious background, in the form of some disjointed rambling. But I felt I needed to talk about my background before I could really get into where I am right now.

So, as I said in my last post... I believe there is a very big difference between questioning and doubting. I've questioned things before, both intentionally and unintentionally. I've even had moments where I've just fallen away from God and felt far from Him for no real reason I can determine. But in any case- questioning and doubting are not at all equal.

Right now, I am doubting in a way I've never done before.

I feel like I'm very much in the middle of believing and not, and it's a very frightening sensation to realize that you doubt some of the very things in which you've believed most strongly.

I don't know exactly what has brought this on; it's certainly not some big traumatic event in my life, or anything like that. I would guess that it's because I've been in college for about two years now, and while here I've really only gone to church when I've gone home. Christians would probably say that I haven't spent enough time with God, and that's why I've fallen away from him so much. Atheists would probably say I've just had enough distance from the church to realize everything that's wrong with it. I don't know what the truth is, but in any case, everything is different in my head.

I do know that I'm not just disheartened with the church. There will be people in any group who are radical or misguided or just plain bad, and because religion is so closely linked to emotion and values, I think it's a far more common phenomenon.

I think part of what's going on is that I've been thinking a lot about my dad's death lately. It's been over nine years now, which seems like such a long time-- and, really, it is. I'm now teaching kids who are just as old as I was when my dad died. But I'm distanced enough from it now that I think some of my thoughts regarding the whole event are getting a bit more rational. I still get sad and cry on a fairly regular basis, but I'm also realizing that I think part of the reason I clung so tightly to religion after that point was because I fiercely wanted to believe there is a Heaven.

I was eleven years old, and my dad died suddenly. It certainly makes sense.

If I did believe mostly because I wanted to, I didn't even know I was doing it. And again, that might not be the case... but I see it as a possibility that I'd prefer to believe in the hopes of Heaven and seeing my daddy again rather than the near-certainty that he's just gone from my life forever. I mean, I'd still very much prefer that, but I'm seeing that maybe this was an influence to my faith that I didn't even realize.

I wonder, too, if some of the feelings I hold as evidence of my faith are really all in my head, or somehow misinterpreted. Sometimes during hymns or songs at church, I'd get this fantastic goosebumpy feeling- but sometimes I get a similar feeling from a particularly moving piece in band, or from music I'm listening to. I love music-- who's to say that my goosebumps aren't just from the beauty of a room full of people singing together? Or even from the sense of community and unity I feel among those people?

I don't know that I'd ever be able to completely disbelieve in God. It's something that's hard for me to even doubt, because it's so firmly ingrained in my thoughts and feelings and beliefs. Maybe I'm not so much doubting my religion as not fitting in the religion I currently have. Maybe another denomination or religion altogether fits my own beliefs better. But I do think it's possible that I could fall away from religion, or at least organized religion, completely.

To some people, this might not seem difficult, but it's like someone making you doubt gravity, or something you've really, truly, thought to be true for a very, very long time. Even if they're wrong, it can really shake your foundation. It's daunting to even think about completely disbelieving.

What's worse is that most of my friends who know me well and care at all about religion are very much on one end or the other of the religious spectrum-- they either believe strongly in God, or they believe strongly that there is no God.

I don't feel like I can probably talk to them about it, because I don't want anyone trying to convince me. No one would be malicious in their intent, but the Christians (or Jews, I suppose) naturally think that believing in God is what's best for me, and the Atheists think that my life would be better off without religion, I'm sure. And people get so vehement about religion... I don't want to offend anyone, but I also don't want anyone's personal beliefs pushing me. I don't know what direction I want to go with this, but I very much know that I will not let my religious beliefs or lack thereof be anyone's victory. There is no one who I'll blame, and no one who will get credit. This is a me decision, and while talking it out with people might help, I'm not going to let someone's personal quest to 'save' people or someone's personal vendetta with Christianity come down to me. I refuse.

I'm not sure what to do with this doubt. A part of me thinks I should take the opportunity to study the Bible and religion in depth, and really develop my own viewpoint. Or even to go to church for a few weeks, or to different churches, and try to worship my way back into believing or hope that some pastor hits the nail on the head for me. But, honestly, I don't feel like it. Delving into this just makes me think more, and I really don't want to deal with that at the moment. I don't even know if there are any other options for action... I feel like I'm destined to be indecisive for who knows how long, and I may just have to deal with that.

Peace said something yesterday that made me think. He said that he hopes no matter what I end up believing, that I don't lose my faith. I think what he meant was that whether or not I end up believing in God, he hopes I can keep my optimism and hope about life and the world. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Peace.) I guess that's what I'm going to shoot for, for now, because I don't really know what other goal I can make but to follow my heart and figure out what I believe (and I have no idea, at this point, how to really do that).

Religion, part one.

2007-09-19T10:48:00.001-04:00

For as long as I can remember, my family has attended a Lutheran church. We've stayed in mostly the same congregation, although at one point our church consolidated with another. I've gone to Vacation Bible School and Sunday School every year and church camp a few times; I've gone through Baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation. I've been in youth group, I've served as a junior leader, and I went to Lutheran Leadership Training School twice. I spent many years in children's choir or youth choir, a short while in handbell choir, and many times have played an instrument or cantored (led the songs) during a service.

My church has provided me with many things, but probably the most important is the feeling of community. Our family's closest friends are another family who has gone to the same church as us since before my birth. We go camping almost every year with another family that used to be in our bible study. We spent so much time with my youth leader's family that their youngest son is best friends with my brother and the middle son and I dated for a few short weeks. I've gone on many short trips and to many activities with my youth group over the years, including a road trip to Atlanta that lasted a week and a half. I joined the church's Watercolor Painting class one summer and talked to people who were old enough to remember stories about my grandfather (who died before I was born). We even have connections to the pastor's family- my little brother dated the pastor's daughter for almost two years, and prior to that I had a crush on the pastor's son (who's now going to become a pastor himself). (Haha, I hope he doesn't read this- that'd be awkward.)

Anyway-- it probably sounds like I'm writing this to brag, but it's actually quite the opposite. I'm just wanting to show that I have a very strong church background, and that all my life I've believed in God and Jesus and all the basic tenets of Christianity.

When I was in high school, I went to LTS- Leadership Training School- at a church camp. It had some leadership activities similar to every other leadership seminar for youth I'd ever been to, but for the most part it was a small group (about 30 kids), and we cared. At most church camps, you have people (it seems like boys, especially) who just don't get into the God stuff. In discussions, they're quiet and won't talk. In worship, they're too embarrassed to sing or dance or get into it at all. In activities, they complain and act too 'cool' to participate... but not at this camp. Everyone who was there really wanted to be there.

At LTS (the first time I went), we were placed in small groups, and mine could not have been more perfect. I have never felt closer to God than I did in this group-- they were smart, they were passionate, and most of all, they made me think. Our group leader, Frank, was hilarious- but he was also excellent at questioning whatever you said. He'd ask, constantly, why you believed something the way you did, or what sort of evidence you had to back it up. He wasn't harsh, but he invited all of us to do what many Christians seem so afraid of- questioning what we're told and what we think we know. Defining their own personal religious beliefs by examining the facts and feelings behind them. No one was wrong, although there were disagreements and challenges to what people had to say. We'd discuss a topic like the church's stance on homosexuality, which some people see as so clear-cut, and we'd pull out our bibles- all different versions- and look at the same verses, and talk about alternate interpretations.

To me, without change, one cannot grow. To me, questioning things and reexamining what I'm sure of and being willing to change is the only way to have a truly dynamic, living faith like is preached about so often. You can't truly believe something just because someone tells you-- or at least I can't. Even if the evidence can't be seen (like evidence of God), I have to experience some sort of evidence to believe something. I fully recognize that I could misinterpret evidence, which would lead me to believe something untrue, but that's why I'm willing to go back and look again at things I think I'm sure of.

Not everyone in my own congregation agrees with me, of course-- many many people confuse 'questioning' with 'doubting.' It bothers me to see so many people who will staunchly defend something they have never or barely looked at themselves. They trust the church scholars to determine their personal values and beliefs for them, and even worse, some of them let those values and beliefs lead them to hate other people. It frustrates me, both because I think it's so wrong, and because I get thrown into that same category by some people just by labeling myself as a Christian.

I'll end this one with a real anecdote (I don't write those enough, considering the name of the blog).

One day my younger brother came home from elementary school and told us a story. At school that day his friend had asked him if he was Christian, and he'd said "No, I'm Lutheran." And the other boy said his mom had told him he couldn't play with kids who weren't Christian.

At the time, we focused on the part of the story where Steve said "I'm not Christian; I'm Lutheran" because, in all honesty, it was funny. It was one of those cute little kid things where they just haven't learned all the ways the world classifies things. Steve didn't realize that Lutheran was a kind of Christian, and that he was actually both. He just knew he was Lutheran, and that wasn't the same word as Christian.

When I think about it now, I still chuckle at that part, but the overall story is so sad. To think that a mother would tell her son to discriminate in his friendships like that! It just kills me that this kid's going to grow up, and at least for awhile, think that non-Christians are inherently bad. This boy's going to grow up with the idea of Christianity as some kind of exclusive club, and I hate it.

I have a lot more I could say about religion, and I want to take the time to go the direction with this post that I originally meant to, but this post is long already, and I need to do some physics homework.

Hopefully I'll get back to this, because there are some crazy religion-related thoughts going on in my head that I need to get out.

oh, kids.

2007-09-12T21:39:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I was helping a fifth-grader.

Austin: How do I put these (*does air quotes*) in writing?

He knew that air quotes meant sarcasm, and he wanted to use that in his writing. He just didn't realize that air quotes were really air quote marks. Like the punctuation ones.

Things You Don't Do, Part One?

2007-06-22T19:51:00.000-04:00

You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't... mix hash browns and ketchup

Hash browns and ketchup are a combination that grosses me out, and this has caused argument multiple times.

Part of my dislike comes from the fact that I just think hash browns mixed with ketchup looks strange and a bit disgusting. I don't really know why. But it's not just an arbitrary color thing, like 'green eggs and ham,' that I might just love when I try it and see it's not any different.

I also just find the idea repulsive. No, I don't think I've ever tried them, and while I usually try to not knock things I haven't tried... I have good reason.

I don't think I would hate the taste. (Yes, this leads to my good reason.) The taste itself would simply end up being the taste of potato and ketchup, much like french fries and ketchup or tater tots and ketchup or any of a number of similar combinations. And I like these. The different texture/ shape/ size of hash browns wouldn't make the taste that different from any other potato-ketchup combo.

Instead, it's the mere fact that I see ketchup as a lunch-dinner condiment. Maybe even snack.

But hash browns? They're firmly lodged in the breakfast category.

I don't mind eating breakfast for dinner-- in fact, I like it a lot-- but when I do so, my meal is almost always wholly breakfast. I don't care what the time of day is, but my breakfasty foods go together and my other foods go together, and that's how it is (drinks are a little more liquid- hehe- but not food).

So, to me, hash browns with ketchup blatantly violates the separation of breakfast and lunch, and my palate just cannot welcome it.

(P.S.-- I mean no disrespect screwing with Jim Croce's lyrics. I actually like the guy a whole bunch.)
(P.P.S.-- Depending on my inspiration or lack thereof, this may or may not become a series of posts.)
(P.P.P.S.-- I also can't decide whether my last post should be continued into a longer story, or just left as a short story. Suggestions?)
(P.P.P.P.S.-- Even without Renee, I wrote something tonight. Woohoo!)
(P.P.P.P.P.S-- Not that I don't like Renee, of course. I love her bunches- even subconsciously!)
(P.P.P.P.P.P.S.-- I realize this is completely ridiculous by this point, but I just wanted to add that I don't fault anyone who can enjoy hash browns with ketchup. I just can't do it myself. And I don't bother trying it because I don't think I'd like it and, just in case, I can't chance wasting one of my favorite foods (hash browns) by making them into something I don't like.)

Writing Party #1

2007-06-15T21:16:00.000-04:00

The leaves draped dramatically over the edge of the piano, threatening to reach the keys and play a somber sonata.

Or maybe I just wanted them to, because a sad song would complement my mood so perfectly.

I sat in the coffeehouse, listening to the slightly-skewed intonation of the struggling band playing in the background. I found myself being overly critical, and felt mean; the band wasn’t terrible, and their music actually melded into a soft but welcome distraction from my own thoughts.

I was walking by the window of this place tonight, and despite the fact it’s hardly out of my way, I’d never been in before.

The soft orange lighting made the coffeehouse look warm, and the décor was just simple enough to feel homey and almost quaint. While not normally my style, the small crowd gathered around the band looked oddly intimate, and whether caused by the frigid winter air or the loneliness I felt, I was drawn inside.

I sank into a soft couch, soaking up the novelty of this place I’d never been before. How comforting to place my mind somewhere that my eyes couldn’t find a million memories of you.

Without physical escape, I realized, there was no mental escape.

And, suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

a whirled view

2007-06-13T19:51:00.000-04:00

I recently read an article that was linked from a blog of a Relient K member, Jon Schneck. After reading the article, I was infuriated- partly because I'm a fan of Relient K and I thought his judgment was unfair, and partly because of the ideas that led to his criticism. I simply could not let it go, even though apparently Relient K has faced a lot of similar critiques in the past.

I read through the over fifty comments left on the blog, taking notes of things I wanted to say as I went along. I was peeved- slightly as a fan, but more as a Christian and a logical person. I don't understand- and never have understood- why people get angry when a 'Christian band' goes 'secular.' To me, increased visibility of Christianity is usually a good thing, and if the band can be listened to by more people (especially if they are up front about their beliefs), it's just another way of spreading the Word. Plus, I can see that to many people- especially who have never been religious- coming at them with God or Jesus' name and praises in every lyric might make them uncomfortable, so I don't see any problem with subtly religious lyrics. Besides, each person communicates with God differently, right?Anyway, this post probably doesn't seem coherent, because it was written in little bits, completely out of order. But when I got to the end of Dan's blog post and saw that he'd turned off comments to avoid dealing with the contradictory responses he was getting, I was a bit angry-- I'd really wanted to maybe open his (and other readers') eyes to some of my opinions (assuming, of course, that they were open-minded enough to listen and see me as more than a defensive fan). The thing is, I think I would be just as angry if they were talking about another Christian band in the mainstream, such as Switchfoot. I'm not a big fan of them, and don't know much about them- but they face this kind of criticism often, apparently. And the thing is, the ideals behind the criticism- the close-minded, overprotective, elitist ideals of 'Christianity'- really bother me. Anyway, here's the response I just had to post somewhere. Sorry this is so long.

In one of the author's comments responding to others, he said, "I threw a little red meat on Relient K out there for the fun and you took the bait quite nicely."

This sounds downright mean to me. He's trying to bait teenagers into getting defensive? Don't most people stop listening when they get defensive, which would mean that they might miss your point entirely? Wouldn't he rather his readers actually consider the opinion he feels so strongly about? Maybe he thinks he's picking brains (as his blog purpose seems to state)... but to me it seems like he's picking on people.

If you're trying to send a message about not sending teenagers into a "wolves' den," as someone called it... it doesn't seem to me that he's doing anything different. The only difference is that he's sending people into a den of wrath instead.

As for the venue, I've never been there, so I can't make an honest, educated judgment. But I can say that I believe the problem would lie more with parents who trust their kids merely on the kid saying something is "Christian." Before going to anything like a concert on my own, I know that my own mom would look into the venue, my transportation, the band, and my companions, to say the least.

From what I hear, this venue may not have been a good choice for the band to perform in. I'm uninformed, so I will give him that. However, if the author's point was that Christian bands need to be more careful about where they perform, I think the author would have been much more convincing if he had given more than one example of this occurring, especially with more than one band. If this is such a big problem, finding more information to back up his claim would not have been difficult, and he would not have been left to, instead, criticize other aspects of the band. I can only hope that the criticism of Relient K and Amos's has come after considerable research, including a visit to Amos's, listening to Relient K's music, researching both the official information given and what unofficial information you can find about each, and possibly even attending a Relient K concert.

I like Relient K's approach. I think they are all strong in their faith, but I don't think they want to be stuck in a box as a "Christian" band. And while some people don't appreciate their more subtle style, I think it's great. By performing at events like Warped Tour, where some of the other bands have similar sounds (and therefore fans of that style of music, Christian or not, are likely to abound), Relient K opens up the opportunity for new people to hear the band. And even if they're initially drawn in by the sound of the band, I'm sure some of those new fans will eventually hear the lyrics, and start thinking about what the band is really saying. And Relient K only rarely makes that completely obvious- instead, many of their lyrics they inspire thinking and interpretation; who knows? I bet at least a few of those new fans will become Christians. Plus, a "Christian" band would get hammered with even more criticism like this over things (venues, songs, outfits, who knows what) not being 'Christian' enough- and dealing with that criticism takes time away from Relient K's purpose/job/ministry as a band.

I'm not saying bands should go 'mainstream' just to try to attract new followers; I don't think Christians should be so afraid of that, though.

In a response on Jon Schneck's blog, the author of the original post mentioned that Jesus went into places with 'bad' people- but that the Gospel was always at the forefront and that Jesus wasn't 'subtle' about it. First of all, I think Jesus' parables were often metaphors for what he had to say- to me, that's fairly subtle because the meaning had to be interpreted. Second of all, Jesus could get away with not being subtle in ways we can't-- I mean, he could perform miracles! Relient K- or anyone else today, for that matter- isn't going to be able to evangelize in the same methods as Jesus. They're just NOT.

I like some of Relient K's religious songs; really, I do. But I also like that some of their songs are more vague. To me, the songs don't come across as preachy, like some other Christian songs do. Some of the songs don't explicitly say anything about God, but they are almost a conversation with a "You" that sounds like it was maybe meant to be God (and, curiously enough, often "You" is capitalized in the lyrics). Still- the lyrics wouldn't have to be about God. Maybe that's how the band or the songwriter meant it, but maybe not. I think part of the beauty of Relient K's lyrics is that sometimes they can fit in a surprising number of different situations, and that (much like the Bible) they are open to interpretation and don't force you to think about them in any specific way. The lyrics don't force religion on anybody, which I think is generally a much more effective approach to evangelism anyway.

Personally, I like the fact that listening to a Relient K cd is full of variety- a few of the songs are almost like worship, and are obviously about God. A few don't have a direct or blatant correlation, but can easily be tied to religion. And finally, a few of the songs are just meant to be fun, or give me the chance to relate to something going on in my life, but don't really say anything about God.

One commenter didn't seem to see God in any of Relient K's lyrics and doubted how they could make someone feel good- for anyone who agrees, I encourage you to check out the lyrics to these songs: Failure to Excommunicate, Getting Into You, I Am Understood?, I So Hate Consequences, Less Is More, and one of my favorites when I'm down, Let It All Out. I also encourage you to listen to these songs-- many of the serious lyrics are set to engaging pop melodies, which might help you see how they cheer people up. Besides, sometimes sad songs make me feel better. Please also remember that while some of Relient K's songs do not outright mention Christ, God, or Jesus- some of the songs are still talking about Christianity or related ideals.

I guess what I'm really coming down to is this. Just because a song doesn't have anything to do with God, does that mean it's anti-Christian?

I say no. To me, Relient K's "Mood Rings" or "In Love With The 80's (Pink Tux to the Prom)" or even VeggieTales' "Silly Songs With Larry" aren't wrong! They're just not explicitly Christian. And that's okay. I think about things other than God, and I don't think I'm wrong for that. To me, saying a non-Christian song is like saying a conversation that doesn't involve God- even if it's not sinful- is wrong. And that seems ridiculous. It's not as if a song about self-esteem or crayons is just as bad as a song about killing- at least to me!

One of the bands mentioned in this whole debate was Superchic(k). Honestly, I've heard one of Superchic(k)'s songs, ever (so I'm uninformed, but also unbiased). But this band was criticized for being so focused on self-esteem instead of on God. Well, to some people... accepting God's love means accepting that you ARE loved, as you are, and that you should feel good about yourself. This isn't a major part of my faith, but I'm not about to criticize the music of a band and say that it's too selfish and "un-Christian" just because I don't personally see its focus as a big part of my own faith.

I think being Christian- or religious, for that matter- is an extremely personal thing and will vary from any one person to another. And therefore I don't think it's easy to say what's "Christian" or not, or to criticize anyone or any group for not being "Christian" enough.

If you really think that Relient K made a bad choice in venue, write to the band. If no one responds in a reasonable amount of time, *then* write a scathing blog that makes it sound like they don't care about their young fans. But this entire blog just felt like a mean attack on a band that, as far as I have ever been able to tell, couldn't be *better* role models for their fans. To me, things that aren't explicitly Christian aren't necessarily against Christianity, and while some people may prefer to avoid anything un-Christian, that's just not the style of my faith- and it certainly doesn't make me wrong.

I bet this guy would tell me I'm making lots of mistakes and committing lots of sins in my life. But- oh well. I don't care if Mr. Dan Burrell thinks I'm Christian enough anyway. It's not his opinion (or anyone's but God) that matters, in the long run.

a step closer to gattaca?

2007-06-04T23:25:00.001-04:00

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/06/01/genome_hea.html?category=health&guid=20070601100000&dcitc=w19-502-ak-0000

The first person to receive a map of his very own genome was James Watson, of the famous duo Watson and Crick. For those of you who haven't had a biology or genetics course lately, and forget or just don't know, these two men are considered the first to have discovered the structure of DNA. They don't get all the credit- I won't go into it, but basically Watson and Crick made their conclusions from the various works done by other scientists. Still, they officially get credit for recognizing that DNA was a double helix and for introducing the very idea of DNA replication. Anyway, I think it's pretty cool that Watson was chosen as the first person to have this done. (In case you were wondering, Watson's partner Francis Crick has been deceased for over two years.)

It's kind of amazing that, within his lifetime, genetics has moved from DNA having no known structure and no real explanation for how it worked... to being able to tell Watson of his increased likelihood for certain cancers based on his genetic code.

Sure, there could be potential drawbacks to society's pinpointing of 'good' and 'bad' genes, but it's still an impressive amount of growth in just barely over fifty years, and I thought Watson was a classy choice to be 'first.'

A Day Off

2007-05-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

I don't have work today. It's glorious. Rather than waking up at 5 or 6 in the morning, I woke up at 1 in the afternoon.

I actually like my job a lot... it's just been a series of very long days, and the weekend was still full of moving home, sorting through my stuff, and moving back to where I'll be this summer. It really didn't provide much of a break, so today feels all that much better.

I guess you just don't appreciate a day of break as much until you need it. :)

4:56

2007-04-23T18:02:00.000-04:00

The Internet is full of great freebies, but I personally have a hard time downloading something new for the first time. If it's not from a company I immediately recognize and know to be reputable, I can't help but cross my fingers that my precious computer won't get a virus.

This listing is awesome-- it gives 101 great freebie downloads on the Internet. Some of them, I absolutely vouch for (obviously, I like Blogger, but I use Gmail, Picasa, and iTunes a lot too). Others, I think I may have to try. This list provides me with comfort that the programs are going to do more good than harm, but it also tells what the very best are-- and they're all absolutely free. What more could you ask for?

food fighters

2007-04-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

After writing that last [boring] entry, I thought of something else to blog about.

Today the elementary school I visit twice a week was serving "Texas Straw Hat" as lunch. A few of the college students in my class apparently knew the term well, but most of us were confused and had never heard of "Texas Straw Hat." At least not as food.

I have heard a couple of strange food names, though, so I decided to try to look up some more. Here are some examples, with definitions taken from the source linked on the name of the food.

Texas Strawhat: The site includes some recipes, but from what I saw today, "Texas Straw Hat" is essentially nachos with meat, cheese, lettuce, and similar toppings piled on top.

Baked Alaska: "a dessert made of ice cream (ideally straight from the freezer) placed in a pie dish lined with slices of sponge cake or Christmas pudding and topped with meringue. The entire dessert is then placed in an extremely hot oven just long enough to firm the meringue." (I've had it once, and it's absolutely delicious.)

Pigs In A Blanket: "In the United States, the term "pigs in a blanket" refers to hot dogs, Vienna sausages, or link sausages wrapped in biscuit dough or crescent-roll dough, and baked." (I recommend checking out the Wiki article on this one- apparently Pigs in a Blanket is actually the name for quite a few different foods. The name's not uncommon to me, but when I think about it... it really is kind of funny.)

Ants on a Log: Celery stalks with peanut butter spread on top, and then sprinkled with a couple of raisins. (...I wonder if the name's supposed to inspire people to eat it? Maybe kids. Celery is really good for you!)

Taco-in-a-Bag/ Walking Taco/Frito Pie: (Apparently some places call these different things, but I prefer Taco-in-a-Bag. Not only is it straightforward and what I'm used to, but it also doesn't inspire an image of a taco with legs.)

Cheese Zombies: Honestly, the name alone makes me want to try these. Sounds mainly like bread with cheese inside. Maybe like the cheese breadstick thing that I ate at the elementary school last week. If so, they're really good.

Elephant Ear: A large roundish flat piece of fried dough, usually with cinnamon-sugar or powdered sugar on top. It's greasy, it's fatty, and, especially when served hot, it's one of the best-tasting things ever. I get one- from Red Barn- every time I go to a fair. I thought everyone knew what these were, at least in the midwest, but my own boyfriend has yet to ever eat one. And, in fact, didn't know what one was until recently. Don't worry... I'm hoping to introduce him to them at some point, because these things are awesome.

A Few From The UK:
WELSH RAREBIT - "Cheese on toast"
SPOTTED DICK - "A sponge cake pudding thingy with currants" (I'm curious for a bit more information on this one, but I'm really not sure what kinds of things a Google search would give me...)
BUBBLE AND SQUEAK - "Fried potatoes and cabbage"
COCK-A-LEEKIE SOUP -"Scottish soup of chicken and leeks"
BANGERS AND MASH - "Sausages and mashed potato" (Reminds me of Tobias in Arrested Development, haha.)
CURLY-WURLY- A loosely braided caramel plank is covered in milk chocolate. (It's Cadbury- can't be too bad, I wouldn't think.)

Mayonegg: a hard-boiled egg covered in mayonnaise. (Oh, wait, that one's Arrested Development again. Maybe you should just watch the show.)

Well, that was fun. I'm surprised there's not a better list of funny food names (though this site is a good collection of regional foods and Wikipedia doesn't hurt), but I guess a lot of them are regional things and don't necessarily seem strange to the people who live there. Oh well. It was a fun search-- punching someone in the gob
has an all-new meaning to me now!

Feel free to comment with other weird food names you know, have heard of, or find! :)

turkey club

2007-04-10T22:23:00.000-04:00

When it comes to lunchmeat, I've never been much of a turkey fan. I'll eat it, but for the most part I prefer ham. (Yeah, I know, this is shaping up to be an incredibly interesting entry so far. Give me a break.)

A turkey club, though, is a fairly basic sandwich, and somehow... I don't think I had one until last summer, when I was at a friend's house and one was offered.

As I chowed down, I realized that I had been seriously missing out on something.

I don't like tomato much, so for me the turkey club consists of white bread, turkey, lettuce, bacon, and mayonnaise. It seems simple, and I know it's common, but I have since become a big fan. I get a turkey club at least once every couple of weeks from the grill in my dorm, because they're delicious and not too unhealthy (especially compared to some of the things I could eat instead).

So, this is me encouraging you to try something you never have. Not necessarily something crazy, though you're free to do what you want. Just try something you've never gotten around to eating before. I dare ya!

(P.S.-- This is me feeling like I should update and looking around for inspiration. In case you didn't notice, my eyes caught the turkey club sandwich in front of me.)

panda sex.

2007-04-04T20:04:00.000-04:00

Teehee.

I love the wink at the end.

Apparently Jimmy Kimmel was discussing that zoos are having a hard time getting pandas to mate, and have tried all kinds of things to get them to. Jimmy Kimmel then implied that if anything could get the pandas to sex it up, it would be hearing a romantic ballad by the "sensual" Josh Groban. (He did actually call him sensual, and I can't say I disagree.)

Yay Josh Groban and yay humor!